SNL Transcripts: Brandon Tartikoff: 10/08/83: NBC: Be There


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

NBC: Be There

Announcer…Joe Piscopo (v/o)

[FADE IN on red letter NBC graphic, with grey background dotted with miniature peacocks as per the 1983 NBC promo graphics]

Announcer: This fall, NBC is getting tough on the competition! Did we say competition? [fade to stills with various show titles and photos] T.J. Hooker? Hotel? Goodnight Beantown? That’s not competition, that’s a load of crap! [fade to candle in book-lined study, pan right to minister sitting in chair reading the Bible] You’d have to be crazy to watch it, or a godless Communist. Right, Reverend?

Rev. Luther Woodhead: [removes glasses, SUPER: “REV. LUTHER WOODHEAD. CHAIRMAN, GOOD CHRISTIANS FOR BETTER TELEVISION”] Anyone who watches Hotel this year on ABC is condemning his soul to eternal damnation! [puts glasses back on and resumes reading]

Announcer: Reason enough to watch NBC, but don’t take our word for it, ask your docton. [fade to doctor standing in operating room]

Doctor: [closes clipboard, SUPER: “A DOCTOR”] As I tell all my patients, CBS’s new fall schedule is a leading cause of heart disease in America.

[fade to NBC peacock ‘Be There’ graphic]

Announcer: NBC. Watch us, or die and go to Hell!

[applause and fade]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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