Phil Kubec…..Joe Piscopo
Tom LaPorte…..Jim Belushi
Carol Halpin…..Robin Duke
Third Guest…..Tim Kazurinsky
Phil Kubec: Good evening! I’m Phil Kubec, welcome to “The Forum”. This week marks the 20th anniversary of the death of John F. Kennedy. I suppose every American remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard that the President had been shot. Now, this week we have asked three Americans, chosen completely at random, to come on the show and tell us their stories. What is your name, Sir?
Tom LaPorte: Uh, Tom LaPorte.
Phil Kubec: Okay, Tom. Do you remember where you were when you heard that Kennedy was dead?
Tom LaPorte: I sure do, Phil. I’ll never forget it. I was a freshman at Boston University at the time, and I remember walking across the Commons to go to class, and I heard a couple of guys talking. They were talking..
Phil Kubec: [ interrupting ] Whoa, whoa, whoa.. hold on a second. How old are you?
Tom LaPorte: I’m 29.
Phil Kubec: Mmm-hmm.
Tom LaPorte: So, anyhow, I was walking across the Commons, right? And I heard these two guys..
Phil Kubec: I..I’m sorry, Tom. I don’t mean to interrupt you again. You were 9 years old, and you were a freshman at Boston University?
Tom LaPorte: No, no, no, I was 18. Anyhow, I was walking across campus, and I saw these two guys talking..
Phil Kubec: Hold on, Tom. Again, I’m sorry. Let me get this straight – you didn’t know that President Kennedy had been shot for nine years?
Tom LaPorte: Well, Phil, you know, I was never really big, you know, on current events..
Phil Kubec: We’re talking about the President getting shot, here! I mean, the President of the United States! How could you have missed it?
Tom LaPorte: Well, you know.. I usually turn to the Sports page first. I like to catch that first..
Phil Kubec: [ exasperated ] The Sports page?! This was one of the biggest stories of the decade!
Tom LaPorte: Well, maybe it was a big story in Dallas, but..
Phil Kubec: This was not a local story! I can’t believe this! Have you ever heard anything so stupid in your life?
Tom LaPorte: [ defensive ] Yeah, well, I’m sure I know a lot more about sports than you do!
Phil Kubec: Fine! Fine! [ turning to the next guest ] Uh, what’s your name, please?
Carol Halpin: Carol Halpin.
Tom LaPorte: Tell me, Carol, how did you first hear that President Kennedy had been shot?
Phil Kubec: Well, Phil, this is a little embarassing, considering what transpired here.. but, uh.. he told me. [ indicates Tom ]
Phil Kubec: What?!
Carol Halpin: Backstage. Just before the show.
Phil Kubec: You mean, you didn’t know about the Kennedy thing until tonight?!
Tom LaPorte: [ laughing proudly ] What a dork, Phil!
Phil Kubec: Have you people been in a coma, or what?
Carol Halpin: Well, I.. I must have been watching another channel..
Phil Kubec: [ outraged ] Another channel?! It was on all the channels! He was the President, for God’s sake! Everybody on Earth knew about it the day it happened, except for you two people sitting right here!!
Third Guest: Uh, excuse me. Are you people talking about President Kennedy?
Phil Kubec: Yes!
Third Guest: Oh, what. Did something happen?
Carol Halpin: He’s.. he’s been shot.
Third Guest: Oh, no! No! No, he’s been shot! [ starts weeping ]
Phil Kubec: [ disgusted ] That’s it for me. Join us next week on “The Forum”, when our guest will be Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon.
Tom LaPorte: [ intrigued ] Wait a minute.. you mean, there’s Americans.. on the moon?
Phil Kubec: [ angry ] Yes!
Tom LaPorte: [ excited ] Alright! [ turns to Carol ] Give me five! I can’t believe it! On the moon![ fade to black ]