Fascinating People and Their Friends


Fascinating People and Their Friends

Mike Nash…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ram Fellstein…..Jerry Lewis

Mike Nash: Good evening, and welcome to “Fascinating People and Their Friends.” I’m your host, Mike Nash, and tonight’s topic is: “Professional Football and the Rest Of Us.” Here to discuss this with us is Ram Fellstein, of the newly-formed AJFL.

Ram Fellstein: [ deep-voiced ] Hello, Mike.

Mike Nash: Could you tell us osmething about the AJFL.

Ram Fellstein: Certainly, I’d be glad. The AJFL, or the American-Jewish Football League.. [ starts to crack up, covers face ]

Mike Nash: [ covering ] Mmm-hmm.. Something in your eye, I see..

Ram Fellstein: ..was.. was formed.. [ cracks up ] ..was formed last year to bring professional sports to the professional man! For example, I myself, in addition to being a co-founder of the league, am also quarterback for the Chicago Dentists!

Mike Nash: Ah. I see. And when is your regular season.

Ram Fellstein: Every Wednesday, from mid-November to mid-March.

Mike Nash: Oh, what, your team doesn’t play on Sunday?

Ram Fellstein: No. Sundays, we play golf. All the teams in the Eastern Division – that would be the Chicago Dentists, the Miami Obstetricians, the Atlanta Heart Specialists, and the New York Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat – we all play on Wednesday, our day off.

Mike Nash: Hmm, that’s very interesting. Well, seeing as how none of you guys are professional athletes.. I mean, it’s just a bunch of doctors running around banging into each other, isn’t it? Injuries must be a big problem.

Ram Fellstein: Oh, boy! I’ll say. Everytime someone gets hurt, there’s twenty-one guys out on the field trying to treat them! But first, last year, when we played the San Fransisco Attorneys in the Play-Offs, we had 85 yards in penalties, and $16 million in lawsuits!

Mike Nash: Tough game. Who won?

Ram Fellstein: It’s still up for appeal. It could be years before we find out!

Mike Nash: Speaking of Play-Offs, does the AJFL have something equivalent to the Superbowl?

Ram Fellstein: Oh, yes, oh boy, yes, oh yeah!

Mike Nash: Tell me about it..

Ram Fellstein: But the name changes each year, depend- – cracks up ] ..depending on who wins.

Mike Nash: I see.

Ram Fellstein: For example, the year the Dentists won, it was called the Spitbowl. The year the.. [ suppresses laughter ] ..Plastic Surgeons won, it was called the Nosebowl. I don’t even want to tell you what it was called the year the Gynecologists won.

Mike Nash: No.. [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. hold it just a second.. Jews don’t play football!

Ram Fellstein: So I lied! So sue me! But I got on your damn show, didn’t I?! [ laughs at him ]

Mike Nash: Okay, join us next week on “Fascinating People”, when the subject is Nude Bullfighting. [ to Ram, as closing music sweeps ] You had me going there for a while..!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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