Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery

Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery

Intern…..Gary Kroeger
…..Jerry Lewis
Dream Nurse…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Dream Nurse #2/Nurse…..Mary Gross
Dr. Dean Martin…..Joe Piscopo
Sammy Davis, Jr……Eddie Murphy
Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on Intern and Nurses wheeling Jerry Lewis on a stretcher into the Emergency Room ]

Intern: Don’t be nervous, Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: [ groggy ] Let me ask you where I am..?

Intern: Don’t be nervous, sir. You just had a heart attack. You’re about to undergo double bypass surgery. Just relax.

Jerry Lewis: Uh.. where’s my doctor..? Where’s..

Intern: Please. Just be calm, Mr. Lewis, he’ll be right in..

Jerry Lewis: [ drifting off ] I’m feeling kind of sleepy.. they give you a lot of shots when you.. get sleepy..

[ screen blurs into a dream sequence, Dream Nurse looking down at Jerry ]

Dream Nurse: He’s fallen asleep.. Mr. Lewis is in great danger.. where’s the doctor..? Where could he be..? Where could he be..?

[ screen blurs again to show “Dr.” Dean Martin enter the ER ]

Dr. Dean Martin: [ singing ] “Everybody needs a bypass sometime. Everybody needs new arteries.”

Dream Nurse #2: Hello, Doctor.

Dr. Dean Martin: [ excited ] Hello-o-o-o, Beautiful! [ moves forward ] Ooh, ohhh..

Jerry Lewis: [ mimicking himself in all of his comedies ] Hey, am I gonna make it, Doc?! Am I.. am I.. am I.. gonna make it, Doc..?

Dr. Dean Martin: I don’t know about you, pal, but I’m gonna make it right now! Oh, Nurse! [ Dream Nurse walks up ] Ooh, Nurse! [ reaches over gurney to kiss her ] Scalpel, please. Oops!

Jerry Lewis: [ alarmed ] Oops?! What’s with the Oops?! Oops?! Oops could be very bad! I could be in very bad..

Dr. Dean Martin: Now, now, now, now.. I’m just gonna make a little incision right here, cut the chest open. I just hope I remember how to do this..

Jerry Lewis: Yeah, well, look, I.. look, I have an appointment someplace! Why don’t I go, with you stay? Or.. let me leave, and I.. I don’t wanna.. [ sees Dr. Dean smoking his cigarette ] I don’t want you touching.. I don’t want you smoking.. but don’t lick ittt..

Dr. Dean Martin: Calm down, Jerry, calm down. I’m the best there is! This operation requires nerves of steel and a steady hand.. [ grabs a martini from one of the many nurses surrounding the ER ] Oh, yeah, yeah, just what the doctor ordered! [ pokes out the olive with his scalpel ]

Jerry Lewis: I.. I.. [ starts to crack up ]

Dr. Dean Martin: You’re feeling great!

Jerry Lewis: I dn’t mean to disturb you, Doc, really.. but maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at a time like thissss..

Dr. Dean Martin: Why not? It’s Happy Hour, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get this thing over with now.. I think we’re gonna start right here, uh..

Jerry Lewis: Oh, Doc.. whoa, Doc.. Doc, whoa.. don’t I need an anesthetic? Don’t I need somethin, in case of bleeding and tearing? You know.. in case of tearing and bleeding, and.. [ starts choking on Dr. Dean’s cigarette smoke ]

Dr. Dean Martin: An anesthetic? That’s a good idea, Jerry, why not? [ sips from a second martini ]

Jerry Lewis: No, no, no! I mean for me!

Dr. Dean Martin: Ohhh.. okay. [ holds the martini in front of Jerry’s face ]

Jerry Lewis: [ starts lapping the martini like a dog ] Hey! All these years, you knew something, didn’t you!

Dr. Dean Martin: And now, I’d like to introduce you to a very special man.. he’s a very special man, he’s my guest anesthesiologist, Dr. Entertainment himself – please welcome Sammy!

[ Sammy Davis, Jr. enters the ER ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Dino, my man! It’s so groovy to see you! I was just down the hall doing my thing for a special that I’m working on. [ wraps his arm around Jerry ] Let me embarrass this cat for a moment now.. I love this cat, I really, really do. I really do. And only in this business, can a cat like me, and a like you..

Jerry Lewis: [ cracking up ] Hey, Doc! Doc!

Dr. Dean Martin: Yeah?

Jerry Lewis: Are you sure this guy’s qualified? I mean, with a diploma on the wall, with a paper thing that says that he knows college and cutting..?

Dr. Dean Martin: Well, he’s the tops, pallie, forget it!

Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!

Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!

Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!

Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!

Jerry Lewis: Doc?

Dr. Dean Martin: What?

Jerry Lewis: I forgot it. [ laughs loudly, as Sammy delights in the joke, then picks up a large scalpel ] Hey, he’s not gonna use this on me, is he?

Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, no, no, Jer.. that’s to calm down his accountant after he gets the bill for Sammy’s pinky ring.

[ Sammy laughs loudly, stomping the floor ]

Jerry Lewis: [ ad-libbing ] Try to cheer up, will you? [ turns to Dr. Dean ] Then how is he gonna put me to sleeeeeeppp..?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let me tell you about the time I was in Israel, man. You see, don’t worry about your operation, it’s gonna be groovy, man. Super, fabulous, and marvelous! Only in this business, can a cat like you, and a cat like him, and a chick like her, and a chick like her.. here a chick, there a chick.. [ singing ] “Everywhere a chick, chiiiickkk!”

Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, ho, ho.. more anesthetic, Doc. More anesthetic.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ singing ] “The Candyman makes everything he makes, satisfying and delicious.. talk about your child..” Back in 1962, when I was a young..

[ screen blurs back to reality, Nurse looking down at Jerry ]

Nurse: Look! He’s coming through! You came through like a champ! Bless your heart!

[ screen blurs again to show the real Doctor standing next to Jerry’s gurney ]

Doctor: Mr. Lewis?

Jerry Lewis: [ groggier than ever ] Wha..?

Doctor: Time to go to recovery. Your operation was a success.

Jerry Lewis: Huh? Who are you?

Doctor: Don’t you know me? I’m Dr. DeBakey, I performed your bypass.

Jerry Lewis: [ confused ] ..You mean.. you mean, I.. then, he didn’t.. [ sees the light ] ..I guess.. it was all a dream.. “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *