Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 11
Waitress ….. Mary Gross
Mike Phillips ….. Brad Hall
Rory ….. Gary Kroeger
Becky ….. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[ Open on Rory and Becky sitting at a table at a restaurant making small talk. The waitress hands them drinks. ]
Rory: … so that time we were wearing an Indian headdress … I tell ya, everybody was crackin’ up …
Waitress: Here’s your Cokes.
Rory: Oh, thank you, ma’am.
Waitress: Sure.[ She leaves, and the two each take a sip. ]
Rory: I’m sure glad that you came out with me tonight, Becky. God, when you said yes, man, I gotta tell ya, I thought I was gonna die.
Becky: Yeah, well, I’m flattered, Rory. Listen, uh, isn’t that food taking a really long time?
Rory: Oh, that’s just the way this place is. Me and my buddy Stinky, we, we used to come here all the time. Everybody at school — they think me and Stinky are real weird. I guess that’s probably why they call me “El Dorko”.[ Becky just sits there, not paying much attention to what he has to say. ]
Rory: Lem, let me ask you this, do you, do you like the Bee Gees? ‘Cause I was thinkin’, that if the Bee Gees ever got together with the Ink Spots, heh, they’d be called the Gee/Spots! [chuckles] I think that’s real funny. This one time, me and Stinky, we were out at the shopping mall, and we were talking gibberish to each other, and people thought that we were from another country. [chuckles] God, I tell ya, we got some weird looks from people. We, we’re always crackin’ each other up, me and Stinky.
Becky: Yeah, it sounds fun. [ she’s bored! ]
Rory: You know, I can remember where I was when Bing Crosby died. Yeah, ’cause I remember, I was watching a rerun of Time Tunnel with my brother, and they came on the news with it? God, I tell ya, it really was somethin’, I couldn’t believe it, y’know. It’s, I couldn’t believe it when they cancelled Star Trek either. Do, do you remember what you were doing when they cancelled Star Trek?
Becky: No, I really don’t. Um, listen, Rory, um, I’m not really feeling that well. [ pretends to cough ] So um, I think I’m just gonna go home.
Rory: All right.[ Mike, a jock, enters and sits next to Becky. ]
Mike: Hey Becky.
Becky: [ face lights up ] Oh — hi Mike!
Mike: How are you doing?
Mike: [ puts his arm around Becky ] Hey, uh, what are you doing here with El Dorko?
Becky: I’ll tell ya later. Oh, El Dork — uh, Rory, um, have you ever met Mike Phillips?
Rory: Oh yeah, sure. He put mayonnaise in my gym shorts once.
Mike: Mr. Dork. Heh. Hey, Becky, what do you say we get out of here, huh? You and me?
Becky: Oh, no, I can’t!
Mike: [ starts putting the moves on her ] There’s a van outside …
Becky: No, stop it, come on, that drives me crazy — come on! That makes me crazy when you —[ Becky and Mike begin making out. Rory looks dejected. ]
Rory: So, Becky, who’s your favorite Beatle?[ pause. They continue making out while Rory watches. ]
Rory: Ahem — do you know that I was standing outside the Dakota one month before Lennon was shot? God, I tell ya, when I think of how close I came to being shot with him, I tell ya, I, sometimes I just can’t sleep at night.
Waitress: Um, uh, who had the Wrangler Burger Deluxe?
Rory: Oh, that would be mine, ma’am.
Waitress: Okay … [ Rory takes the two platters and sets them on the table. ]
Rory: Thank you.[ Becky and Mike continue making out ]
Waitress: [ walks up to Rory ] I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but, I think that what your friends are doing is disgusting. I mean, it’s okay, but not here, in public.
Rory: Well, it does make for a rather awkward date.
Waitress: Do you mean she’s your date?
Rory: Well, it’s really okay. It was sort of a sympathy date, anyway. See, her girlfriends, they tied my shoelaces together and de-pantsed me during the fire drill at school. I guess she kinda felt sorry for me.
Waitress: Aww, that’s sad!
Rory: Yeah, sure, it hurts just a little.
Waitress: I think you’re just as nice-looking as that guy … [ points to Mike ]
Waitress: In fact … [ she takes off Rory’s glasses ] .. you have beautiful eyes.
Rory: Thank you.
Waitress: Oh, I feel so sorry for you.
Rory: Well, I guess I’ll probably just eat by myself.
Waitress: You know what? This is my last table. [ sits next to Rory ] Maybe we could … Oh! …[ She begins making out with him. Becky stops making out with Mike and notices the two of them. ]
Becky: Hey Rory … Rory, our food’s here. … Rory?
Waitress: He’s MINE, you tramp!!! [ continues making out with him ]
Mike: Becky, c’mon, let’s get out of here, huh?
Becky: No! Mike, I came here with Rory! Just a second! Rory! Excuse me, Rory, our food’s here!
Waitress: [ moaning passionately ] You’re a marvelous kisser …
Becky: Oh, well, let’s just see how good you really are! Come here! [ grabs Rory and begins kissing him ] Oh, you’re exquisite!
Waitress: He’s MINE, you hussy!! [ grabs Rory, kisses him ]
Becky: GET LOST, food jockey!! [ grabs Rory, kisses him ]
Waitress: You can forget it, hairball!! [ snatches Rory ]
Becky: [ snatches Rory ] Give him BACK!! I came here with him … [ more kissing ]
Waitress: [ snatches Rory ] He’s MINE! I got squatter’s rights … [ more kissing ] [ Becky and Waitress get into a cat-fight ]
Waitress: Who do you think you are, anyway?
Becky: Why don’t you get back to your station!
Waitress: Shut up, you pig!
Becky: … you think you can just cut in?! …[ Meanwhile Rory sits there nonchalantly ]
Rory: [ to Mike ] Sooner or later I’ll have to choose between the two of them.
Mike: [ impressed ] God, how do you do it?!
Rory: Well Mike, I find that the sympathy approach works best for me. You gotta learn to let people abuse you, if you ever want to score with women.[ Becky and Waitress continue cat-fighting each other ]
Mike: Gee, I … I guess that’s why they call you Dorko.
Rory: El Dorko.[ Mike will drink to that! They clink their Coke glasses, and watch while Becky and Waitress continue cat-fighting. Fade to black. ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez