Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 11
Romeo & Juliet
Lady Capulet…..Robin Duke
Lord Capulet…..Joe Piscopo
Lady Montague…..Mary Gross
Lord Montague…..Brad Hall
Juliet: (on balcony) Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Friar: (comes up behind her) You lookin for Romeo? He went down the hall for a sec, hell be right back.
Juliet: Oh, oh Friar Don, unite me with my fair Romeo, for my heart can no longer endure this lonely sojourn.
Friar: Sweetheart, what am I, the Love Connection? Come on, hah?
Juliet: You are the Friar of Verona, you are renowned for your eloquence and wisdom. Canst you but speak with my father?
Friar: I get it. In other words you want me to talk to the old man and work it out so you can get married, huh?
Juliet: I beseech you.
Friar: What do you mean, you beseech me? Youre nuts, for cryin out loud. Youre only 14 years old. Where you goin? Where you goin, huh? Jump in with a line. (Romeo enters) There he is.
Romeo: What light through yonder window breaks?
Friar: Aw, what are you doin here, fruitcake?
Romeo: It is the East and Juliet is the sun.
Friar: (to Juliet) Hey, Ive known Romeo since hes a kid, and you could do a lot better. Listen to me, you could do a lot better. This guys a stiff, Im tellin ya.
Romeo: Hark! I hear the sound of Juliets parents approaching.
Friar: You look like Errol Flynn on a bad swing. What is that one, hark all the time, hark? What hark?
Lady Capulet: Hang the young baggage! Disobedient wretch!
Lord Capulet: My fingers itch. Wife, wed scarce thought us blessed that God had lent us but this child, but now I see this one is one too much.
Juliet: Oh, blistered be thy tongue!
Friar: Blistered be thy tongue? You must be some wild kinda broad! A broad with a wild blistered tongue, thats something else!
Lord Capulet: Oh, Friar. Oohh, Friar.
Friar: “Ohoho, Friar.
Lord Capulet: Our daughter Juliet sickens us with shame. But hark! Romeos parents!
Friar: Again with hark? He keeps saying hark, every five minutes I hear hark. What is it with you and hark?
Lord Montague: Afore God, I am so vexed that every part of me doth quiver.
Lady Montague: Who set this ancient quarrel new abroach?
Friar: (to Lord Montague) May I say something as an actor? You stink. You must understand, you people talk funny. Call up Immigration and get your papers stamped, you hear me? You talk funny!
Lord Capulet: Well, it is they.
Lord Montague: It is they.
Friar: It is who?
Juliet: Please dear Friar, speak not of reproach upon we, the simple souls of Verona, but arbitrate us a God-inspired course that we might know His will.
Friar: Yeth, I would thay to thee to know thythelf a thelf a thee. Thith I know. Look at this, Pinky Lee is back! I thay you thith. What are you talking about, anyway? What are you talking about?
Lord Montague: We bow to your decree.
Lord Capulet: Well listen to you.
Friar: You better because Im getting fed up with you. I didnt forget in the other sketch when you slapped me around for a half hour. I dont forgive so easy. Even though were eight centuries behind, Im fed up with you! And Im gonna see that you wind up in Brooklyn in a car (pointing at his temple) with a little trickle, right down the side. Cause Ive had it with you, with your waffle hat, you Pinky man. (to Lady Montague) Youre a stunning lady, with surgery. Now! (Lord Capulet hands him the hat) Oh, good. (to Romeo) Would you like a pancake? Get out of here. (to Lord Capulet) Put the hat back on. You must understand. We are all friends together. We are all brothers. Thy love thyself, thy love thee. And this is why I say, you both must be married. Married in Heaven! Love thyself as thy love thy nature! As Rabbi Elikuda said, love thyself as thy love thee, thith I tho mythelth I thith! (to ord Capulet) Jump in, dummy, if you have a funny remark! All you know how to do is slap me around, thats all you know how to do!
Lord Capulet: (laughing) Please, Friar, die by yourself.
Friar: Die by myself, hah? I hope Eddie Murphy robs your house. (audience applauds) Good night, we are fed up! (dips Juliet) I love you, my darling!
Submitted by: Susan Gleason