Gandhi and the Bandit


Gandhi and the Bandit

Announcer …. Joe Piscopo
Gandhi … Tim Kazurinsky
Bandit … Gary Kroeger
Lady Hitchhiker … Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[Uptempo banjo music over footage of a country road.Police cars, with lights flashing and sirens blaring,chase a yellow tractor trailer.]

Announcer V/O: Nobody knew where he came from.All they knew was that he was the fastest thing oneighteen wheels. First, he brought the British Empireto its knees. And now he’s taking on the HighwayPatrol! It’s Gandhi and the Bandit!

[SUPER: Gandhi and the Bandit – We dissolve to the cabof the yellow truck where bald, bespectacled MahatmaGandhi drives. Flowers and pictures of Indian moviestars decorate the cab interior. The banjo musicbecomes sitar music.]

Announcer V/O: He was heaven on earth but hellon wheels!

Gandhi: [Indian accent, into CB radio] Breaker!Breaker! If you please, this is the Sacred Cowboycalling Bandit! Bandit, do you read me?

Bandit’s Voice: Affirmative, Cowboy, I gotcha.

Gandhi: How am I looking, most excellentbuddy?

Bandit’s Voice: Not so good, partner. You gottwo smokies on your tail and a bear in the air. I hopeyou got a shotgun in that rig, hoss.

Gandhi: Oh, Bandit! You know that the path ofviolence leads nowhere. I believe this situationrequires only a little passive resistance.

[Dissolve to aerial footage of a rural crossroadswhere the yellow truck deftly avoids four police carscoming at it from all directions. Another aerial viewshows the truck outrunning the police.]

Announcer V/O: Gandhi — he’s fast! And he’sfasting! He’s got love in his heart and six hundredhorses under his hood. He picked up four hundredmillion devout followers — and one ladyhitchhiker!

[Dissolve to cab of truck where Gandhi has been joinedby a sexy, gum-chewing blonde in a red dress.]

Lady Hitchhiker: [thick Southern accent] Hotdamn, Mahatma! Where’d you learn to drive likethat?

Gandhi: Well, I have put many miles on the roadto salvation.

Lady Hitchhiker: Oh, yeah? I think I ate at theStuckey’s there, once.

Gandhi: You have much to learn, shapelyone!

[Lady Hitchhiker laughs as Gandhi speaks into his CBradio.]

Gandhi: All right, good buddies, we have tomake the United Nations by nightfall.

Lady Hitchhiker: [loud, enthusiastic]Yee-haw!

Gandhi: [quiet, polite] Yee-haw.

Announcer V/O: Nobody messes with the Mahatma!Gandhi — he’s untouchable!

[Dissolve to aerial view of truck and police car.SUPER: Gandhi and the Bandit]

Announcer V/O: Gandhi and the Bandit! Comingthis summer.

[We hear the police siren and a few last notes pluckedout on the banjo before we fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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