Voice of Deborah…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Neighbors…..Gary Kroeger, Mary Gross
[ open on dark apartment, as Tim opens the door and sticks his head inside ]
Tim: Rene? Rene, you up? [ satisfied that he’s home alone for the evening ] Good.
Tim: Rene! Rene, I asked you not to do that any more, okay, Rene?[ Rene contionues, patting Tim’s shoulder ]
Tim: Rene! Rene! Please! Rene, I’m not in a good mood, alright?[ Rene mimes playing the violin ]
Tim: No. Rene, I’m actually in a very bad mood!
Tim: Rene, I got fired today! Alright? [ sits on the couch ] I go straight over to see Deborah. I even took her some flowers. Well, we got into a huge fight —[ Rene mimes a fencing move ]
Tim: No! No! Rene, please stop horsing around, will ya’, please?[ Rene prances around the room like a horse ]
Tim: Rene, cut it out![ Rene walks over to the television, and touches the knob ]
Tim: No! No, I don’t want to watch television! I haven’t wanted to watch television since you disconnected the sound, Rene. No, Rene, please! Listen. Rene. Did Deborah call here tonight? [ Rene shrugs ] Did she? [ Rene shrugs again ] I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom, alright? Will you excuse me? Thanks.[ Tim walks across the room, as Rene follows in a mimicking fashion ]
Tim: By myself![ Tim exits to the bathroom. Rene sits on the couch and picks up the newspaper. Forgetting himself, he drops the newspaper, then mimes reading an invisible newspaper. ] [ the phone rings ]
Voice of Tim: If that’s Deborah, don’t let her hang up![ Rene answers the phone, not saying a word ]
Voice of Deborah: Tim, it’s Deborah. Now, please, just listen to me. All I want to say is.. I’m sorry.[ Rene is silent, but makes faces at the phone ]
Voice of Deborah: Oh, come on! I said I’m sorry! The least you can do is accept my apology![ Rene is silent, but makes faces at the phone ]
Voice of Deborah: Alright, fine! Well, if you’re going to be a baby, then I guess we are through![ Tim comes running back into the room ]
Tim: Give it to me! Give me the phone! [ Rene won’t let go ] Come on! Please! Rene! Come on! [ grabs the phone loose ] Hello! Hello![ the dial tone sounds ]
Tim: Who was it, Rene? [ Rene shrugs ] Rene, Rene! Who was that?! Was that Deborah? [ Rene points to his own face ] Rene! [ grabs Rene’s shoulders ] I hate you, Rene! I hate mimes! Everybody hates mimes, Rene! Do you understand me?! [ Rene pats at Tim’s chest ] You’re not even a good mime, Rene! [ grabs Rene by the throat ] Rene! Rene, I could kill you! You hear me? I could kill you, and I could get away with it, because nobody would hear your screams, Rene![ Tim tosses Rene back and forth by the neck, then releases his grip. Rene continues to mime being tossed about. ]
Tim: Rene! I gotta get a grip on myself! I need some air – excuse me, Rene![ Tim prepares to open the window, as Rene mimes walking against the wind ]
Tim: No! Stop it! Stop it! Not the walking against the wind – just stop it, Rene! It is my fault! I never should have moved in here, no matter how broke I was! I never should have moved in here! living with you, it’s driving me crazy!![ Tim throws his arms around wildly in frustration, which Rene mirrors exactly ]
Tim: No! Rene! Not the mirror, please! Rene! Not the mirror! Rene, I hate the mirror! God![ frustrated, Tim pulls a gun out of a desk drawer and points it at Rene ]
Tim: You! Because of you, my life is going nowhere, Rene! I’m warning you! Rene, I’m at the end of my rope![ Rene mimes playing tug-of-war with a rope ]
Tim: Rene! No![ neighbors begin to pound on the door, concerned by the commotion coming from within ]
Voice of Neighbors: Hey!! What’s going on in there?!
Tim: This miming! It’s a sickness! It’s a disease, Rene! God, I feel like I’m talking to a wall!![ Rene mimes moving his hands up a glass wall ]
Tim: No! Not the wall, Rene! Please! Rene! Don’t! Aaaaggghhhh!!![ Tim finally shoots Rene ]
Rene: God, man.. how real![ Rene collapses onto the couch, as the neighbors come bursting through the door ]
Male Neighbor: What was that? Oh, my God! What happened?
Tim: [ shocked by the result of his frustration ] I.. I killed a mime.[ a beat ]
Neighbors: [ thrilled ] Alright!! Hey, buddy!![ the neighbors crowd around to pay achievement to Tim’s victory ] [ zoom out to fade ]