Robin Willliams’ Monologue
Robin Williams: Thank you! Thank you, band! Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Neuvo York!
Those of you have been watching the Olympics, know that there’s some heavy stuff going down! Obviously, the strange thing about the Olympics to me is that there’s not many brothers in the Olympics, if you know wht I’m saying. Not too many people doing soem break-skating, going, “Ow! Check it out!” [ demosntrates a breakdance move ] Some people in the bobsled team are black, brother on the bobsled team – “Larry! I like a woman who likes to slide!” [ makes a slide move ] Also in the Olympics, they have little controversies, always a problem with steroids. Ask people: “Do you take steroids?” [ makes horse ninny sound, stomps foot on floor ] “No way!” And sex tests, they always give the old sex test. [ raises arms, speaks in falsetto voice ] “I can’t see you!” Strange. And if you win in the Olympics, then you get to go for the big money. You know what I’m talking about. It’s always the commercials you see after the Olympics. It’s something like.. [ makes skiing sound effects, speaks with French accent ] “Hello. Jean-Claude Killey for Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage.” You know?
Ladies and gentlemen! The best news for me, I have, is that I’m a father. [ audience cheers lously ] Yes! The responsibility! Being a father, you can’t drink any more. You can’t come home drunk, going.. [ drunkenly ] “Daddy wants to play! Here’s a little switch – I’m gonna throw up on you!” You can’t do anything! You can’t come home: “Go to sleep!” “Noooo.” No, being a father, you feel incredible. It’s outrageous. The best thing for me is, well.. watching my baby breasteed. It’s something very special. I know he’s only ten months old, but that’s enough! Because I have this incredible fear, I have this fear that, during the night, a midget came in and took his place. So while my wife’s breastfeeding, there’s this midget going, “Hey, nice tomatoes! How are ya’!”[ hums Twilight Zone theme ]
And the incredible thing, being a celebrity you can’t spank him, ’cause when you go to spank him, he goes.. [ in baby voice ] “If you hit me, I’ll write a book!” The only thing you can do – the only time you can ever get him back is: “It’s bedtime, son. Oh, you sleep well – behind you!! Oh, just kidding!
For me, it’s outrageous. Being a father. You feel like some sort of superhero. It’s like: Fatherman! My baby looks at me the other day, it’s incredible. He goes.. [ in baby voice ] “Dada!” Then, he looks at the dog.. [ in baby voice ] “Dada!” It’s outrageous, it gives me an incredible sense of well-being. I look at him sometimes, and I go: “Yes! I’m a superhero! I am Fatherman! With my all-powerful “No! Put that down!” But.. the only thing Fatherman cannot deal with is.. baby kaka. From little tiny babies, comes some very foul stuff. You can always tell. People walk by and go.. [ sniffing ] “You have a baby, don’t you?” “Yes.” Yes, even the dogs over there – after a few months, the dogs are going.. [ sniffing ] “Phew! I’m leaving! I’ll be back! you know, you could cure him of that if you’d just put his nose in it once! Just once! I bet he’d stop! You wouldn’t have to do all that stuff with the diapers!”
The main thing – the main thing about the kid – the midget, as we call him, the special one – he gives me a great sense. I feel good about him, because I always have this dream – I have this dream.. well, like, I guess, every father – but you have a dream that maybe one day.. one day, it’ll be my son accepting the Nobel Prize. I also have this other dream where it’s my son going.. [ in redneck twang ] “You want fries with this?”
Thank you all! Thank you, we’ll be right back!