Patty’s Place

Patty’s Place

Patty Gordon … Mary Gross
Deborah Scott … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Dale Butterworth … Tim Kazurinsky


[SUPER: Patty’s Place – Music: Freddy “Boom-Boom”Cannon’s 1963 pop song “Patty Baby” – Talk show set.Host Patty Gordon is flanked by two guests.]

Patty Gordon: Hello! I’m Patty Gordon! Andwelcome to Patty’s Place! Tonight, my guests…

Deborah Scott: Uh huh. That’s right,Patty.

Patty Gordon: Uh … are two very uniquepeople. They’re both suffering from a raredisease that causes them to be out of syncwith the rest of the world. Imagine that! For example,this is Deborah Scott. She’s actually living thirtyseconds ahead of the rest of us. Isn’t thatright, Deborah? [Deborah ignores Patty and stares intospace] Oh, uh, of course, uh, she’s already answered,see? [chuckles] And this is Dale Butterworth. He’sliving thirty seconds behind the rest of us.Welcome to the show, Dale. [Dale does not respond]

Deborah Scott: Oh, that’s a good idea,Patty.

Patty Gordon: No, actually, I was talking to,uh– Oh, oh, I see! Oh, my! This is confusing!Ha! Well, uh, why don’t we let Dale, you know, um,catch up with us later and I’ll start with you,Deborah. All right? [Deborah does not respond] Oh, oh,of course, you’ve already responded to that![chuckles] Oh, my! [chuckles]

Dale Butterworth: Thank you. It’s a pleasure tobe here.

Patty Gordon: Oh, my!

Deborah Scott: [laughs] That’s very funny,Dale! That’s great! [chuckles]

Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] What? He saidsomething funny? Oh! Oh, I see! He’s going tosay something funny. [to the audience] Well, maybe weshould just, uh, wait for it.

[Long pause as Patty waits for Dale’s comment whichfinally comes:]

Dale Butterworth: You know, Deborah and Ishould start a singing group. Uh, we could sing roundslike “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Patty Gordon: Oh, yes. [ironic, to Dale] Veryamusing. Heh. [ironic, to the crowd] Well, worthwaiting for!

Deborah Scott: [points to Dale in horror] Ewww!Oh, God! Look at him! That is disgusting! Oh, Ican’t believe it!

Patty Gordon: [panicking] What? What? What ishe doing? What’s he going to do? Oh! Oh, boy!Oh! Oh, my! Oh!

[As Deborah winces, Patty watches as Dale rears backand sneezes into a handkerchief. When he lowers thehandkerchief, a long white string of snot is revealed,dangling from one nostril. The Studio 8H crowd roarsits disgust.]

Patty Gordon: [horrified] Ohhhhh! Excuse me!Ohhhh! Mr. Butterworth, you’ve got – you’ve got athing there! You’ve got a– Oh, he can’t hear me! Hecan’t hear me – yet! I mean, I gotta sit herefor thirty seconds with that– This is NOT goodTV!

Deborah Scott: [gasps, points at Dale] Oh!now look at him! Oh, my God! Look at what he’sdoing! I’m gonna be sick!

Patty Gordon: [panicking, to Deborah] What?What’s he gonna do?

Deborah Scott: Look at that!

Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] Is it really bad?Should – should I just say “Good night”?

Deborah Scott: Oh, God, I can’t believeit! Ewww!

Patty Gordon: Oh, no! Oh, my! Oh, we’d bettergo! Uh oh! Oh oh! See you next week on Patty’s Place!Oh, my!

[Music: “Patty Baby” – Cheers and applause as we pullback – SUPER: Patty’s Place – and, just before wedissolve to a bumper card, we catch a glimpse of Dalelifting the string of snot to his mouth to eatit.]

Submitted Anonymously

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