Wild Kingdom of Heaven

Wild Kingdom of Heaven

Dr. Farrow Oaklin … Robin Williams
1st Woman … Mary Gross
2nd Woman … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
3rd Woman … Robin Duke

[Organ music. Oily, big-haired televangelist Dr.Farrow Oaklin, in powder blue suit, addresses thecamera with thick Southern accent.]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Good evening, friends! …Is there someone in your household who’s in need ofthe Lord? Someone who has strayed from the path,turned against his loved ones, chewed up the furnitureor made sissy on the Persian rug? Well, then, friends,I want you to pick up that troubled house pet, put hispaws on the television so he may feel his Master’svoice here on “Wild Kingdom of Heaven”! [SUPER: WildKingdom of Heaven]

Don Pardo V/O: Wild Kingdom of Heaven –featuring the evangelical veterinarian Dr. FarrowOaklin!

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [basks in applause, imitatesa cat] Thank you, my pets, whether you be furred orfeathered! Come on down, take anything you need! Thankyou for the warmth of your welcome. You know, forthose of you with faith, there’re no runts in thelitter of the Lord! Now, who will be the first to behealed?! [1st Woman enters, carrying an adorable dogto the televangelist’s podium as the crowd oohs andahhs] Oh, yes! What is his name?

1st Woman: Fluffy.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Fluffy. Yes. And what isFluffy’s affliction?

1st Woman: He doesn’t obey.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Oh, no! [holds Fluffy whotries to get away from him] You know, Fluffy,disobedience is the devil’s milk bone. You can’t playfetch with the devil because he always fakes thethrow. I’m over here, Fluffy, come on back now! [takesFluffy in his arms] You know, Fluffy, I want you torecite your Ten Commands with me right now. Are youready? Thou shalt stay! Thou shalt sit! Thou shalt nottug at thy master’s leash! Thou shalt not make strangeofferings in thy house or thy neighbor’s house! Andthou shalt not mount thy master’s leg! Do youunderstand me? [to the woman] And now, is he ready tobe healed?

1st Woman: Yes, he is.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Are you ready, Fluffy?[Fluffy struggles to get away] Hold on, you’re notgettin’ away now! Fluffy, are you ready to speak now,Fluffy? Speak! Speak, Fluffy! [Fluffy does not speak,to the woman] The dog is mute, is he not? [Woman nods]Well, bring him back next week, we’ll tryagain!

1st Woman: All right. [Woman takes Fluffy whofinally yelps – she exits with the dog]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [watches them go] Come onhome, Fluffy. Take him back to that happy litter box,you know what I’m sayin’! Who is the next one to behealed here tonight? [2nd Woman brings out a whitecat] Ohhh, look! A fallen feline!

2nd Woman: Yes.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: What is his name?

2nd Woman: Well, this is Jennifer and she’simpossible. She’s ruined the couch, she refuses to usethe litter box and now she’s developedhairballs.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Hairballs! Oh, no! Jennifer,you have licked yourself in only a way that kittiescan! [holds the cat in his hands] Well, come to me,Jennifer, now. You know you have wandered through thealley of the shadow of death, have you not, now?Jennifer, I want to do something special, I’m gonnamake the demon hairball be gone. [coughs and screecheslike a cat, turns to woman] YES! It is gone now![gives the cat back to the grateful woman] She feelsit! Take some holy litter with you! Go on through!Thank you!

[Woman exits with cat. Organ music begins. Thetelevangelist addresses the camera again.]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: You know, friends! Ourministry does some wonderful things but maintainingkennels in Africa and building pet seminaries costsmoney. That’s why I must ask for your contributions.For every ten dollar donation you send us, you’llreceive this replica of the original Shroud of Lassie![holds up a tan blanket with an image of Lassie]That’s right! A woolen dog blanket bearing theresemblance of the most wonderful collie the world hasever known. And, also, if you send us twenty-fivedollars, you’ll receive this album, “Hymns That OnlyDogs Can Hear.” [holds up record album entitled “HymnsOnly Dogs Can Hear” with photo of the RCA Victor dogon the cover] And a copy of my new book, “Bark If YouLove Jesus”! [holds up the book] Come on home. I thinkwe’re ready for our next pilgrim. Come on down, comeon down. [3rd Woman enters with bucket of friedchicken] What is his name?

3rd Woman: Plucky.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Plucky!

3rd Woman: Yes, he – he ran away about a weekago and this is how I found him.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Well, Plucky! [pulls a friedchicken leg out of the bucket] Looks like Plucky’salready seen the fires of hell! Well, he’s been dippedin the seven spices! You know this! Many of you say,”No, Plucky’s history! There’s no hope for him.” Donot despair! [mangles his next line] Because thanks tothe new Curlin Harnell Sanders– Colonel– [ad libs]I’m struck with tongue! [struggles to continue] Thanksto the new Curlin’ – Colonel Harlan Sanders! [to theLord above] Thank you! [to the crowd] Thank you![cheers and applause] To his Memorial Burn Unit,Plucky can have a second chance. You know?! Butartificial giblets and skin grafts cost money so,friends, I want you to send your free will donationhere to me, Dr. Farrow Oaklin. So, come on home tothis very station right here! We’ll be here next week!And remember: All of us are pets in the House of theLord but few of us can sleep on the couch! So, come onhome! [screeches like a cat] YES!

[Organ music swells, cheers and applause as we pullback and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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