SNL Transcripts: Jamie Lee Curtis: 02/18/84: El Dorko


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 13

83m: Jamie Lee Curtis / The Fixx

El Dorko

….. Jamie Lee Curtis
Myron …. Tim Kazurinsky
Mike Phillips ….. Brad Hall
Rory ….. Gary Kroeger
Becky ….. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Waitress ….. Mary Gross

[ Open on Jamie Lee Curtis and her publicist, Myron, sitting at a table in a restaurant. Jamie isn’t too pleased. ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: Myron, I hate this.

Myron: Come on, Jamie, relax. This sort of thing is great publicity. You saw how the public responded to the “Win a Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest. I’m talking over 500,000 entries, honey.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Yeah, well, why couldn’t the winner have come from Palm Springs? Why does he have to come from Cedar Rapids, Iowa? What’s this guy look like, anyway?

Myron: I do not know. He’ll be wearing a pink carnation, is all I know.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Do I have to kiss him if he’s gross-looking?

Myron: The rules say just a goodnight kiss, and no chaperones, so I’m going back to the motel. I’m tired. Thank you. [ gets up from his seat ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: All right, I’ll see you in no less than an hour.

Myron: Okay, be good.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I’ll break your legs.

[ Myron leaves. Enter Rory, wearing a pink carnation on his shirt. ]

Rory: Ahem, um, excuse me, Miss Lee Curtis?

Jamie Lee Curtis: What? Oh … you must be my date.

Rory: Yeah. Whew … well I gotta tell ya … [ sits down next to her ] I’m pretty nervous about this thing. Whew.

Jamie Lee Curtis: It’s all right. Don’t be nervous. I’m Jamie Lee Curtis. [ shakes his hand ]

Rory: Yeah, I know. My name’s Rory. [ she lets go of his hand ] But you’ll probably end up calling me El Dorko.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, I don’t understand.

Rory: Well, that’s what the guys at school call me. They call my buddy Stinky, ’cause one time a stink bomb went off in his face and well, he could never completely get rid of the smell. [ chuckles ] Now he smells like sulfur. He’s gonna be coming by in just awhile to meet ya —

Jamie Lee Curtis: No no no, really, that’s okay, I gotta go. [ she attempts to leave, but he stops her in her tracks ]

Rory: Oh, you know, I have admired you very much, ever since the movie Halloween. Every time I see a psychopathic killer, I think of you. [ chuckles ] I think that’s pretty funny. Um, I also loved you very much in Prom Night. I guess that’s ’cause it kinda reminded me of my own prom. [ Jamie looks concerned ] You see, well, my date, she poured honey all over me and, and then de-pantsed me. They’re always de-pantsing me.

Jamie Lee Curtis: That’s terrible! What kind of girls do you date?

Rory: Well, in this particular case it was my sister. I don’t go out with girls too much ’cause well, whenever I ask ’em out they always say no. Sometimes they even puke. This one girl had apparently been eatin’ peanuts, ’cause they don’t digest very well —

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ cuts him off, giggling ] No, no, no, really, that’s all right …

[ The waitress comes by to refill their water glasses. ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: Thanks.

Waitress: Can I take your order? [ spills a little water ] Whoops —

Rory: That’s all right.

Waitress: [ suddenly notices him ] Rory!

Rory: Hi.

Waitress: Hi! [ amorous ] How come you haven’t called?

Rory: Um, I’ve been pretty busy.

Waitress: [ gasp ] Isn’t that Jamie Lee Curtis?

Rory: Um, yes, as a matter of fact, it is. She is my date this evening.

Waitress: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis, star-struck ] Oh no — whooaaa. I adored you in Halloween. But I had to leave early. What happened after the first ten minutes?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, well you see … [ explains the plot to her ] [ Enter Mike and Becky behind the table ]

Mike: Hey hey hey, it’s El Dorko! [ slaps Rory’s shoulder and shoves his head ]

Rory: Good evening, friends.

Becky: [ gasps, gets closer to Mike ] Oh God, Mike, he’s with Jamie Lee Curtis!

Rory: How ya doin’?

Mike: Hey Dorko … how come you’re with Jamie Lee Curtis?

Rory: Well, I … I just asked her out.

Mike: What, and she didn’t puke? What’s she doing in Cedar Rapids?

Rory: Um, well, I’m not really sure about that. I think she might have an uncle in town or something.

Becky: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis ] Hey … what are you doing out with El Dorko?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Oh, Rory won the “Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest in Tiger Beat magazine.

Becky: Tiger Beat? [ she and Mike laugh out loud, as Mike slaps Rory’s head ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ touches Rory’s arm ] I’m sorry, Rory, I hope I didn’t embarrass you.

Rory: It’s okay, I’m really pretty used to it.

Mike: Hey, hey, Dorko, Dorko, stand up! [ walks around the table as Becky takes the pitcher of water from the waitress ]

Rory: Here it comes …

Mike: Come on!

[ Rory stands up. Becky hands Mike the pitcher of water, and pulls down Rory’s pants. ]

Mike: Hey, here’s some fun! [ Pours the pitcher of water down Rory’s boxer shorts. Mike laughs, throws some water in Rory’s face. ] See ya, Dorko! [ Laughs as he and Becky leave. The waitress follows them, also laughing ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: That was just AWFUL!

Rory: Like I said, I’m pretty used to it.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, why don’t you stand up to ’em?

Rory: Oh, I don’t dare talk back to ’em. One time I did, and the next day in gym class, they spread deep-heating rub in my jock. Even to this day, I might not be capable of having children.

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ runs her fingers through his hair ] Rory, you know, you are so bright and sensitive, you know, you have qualities that they can only dream about. You know, look, I gotta get back, I gotta get to the airport early and I need some sleep …

Rory: Yeah … yeah …

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ softly touches his chest, then his face ] … but I just want you to know that I think you’re really a special kind of guy.

Rory: Um, according to the contest rules, I believe that I am supposed to receive a goodnight kiss.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I’d kiss you even if I didn’t have to. [ gives him a deep kiss ] Oh … you know, that was terrific. [ takes off his glasses and kisses him again, this time more passionately ] You are just a great kisser! [ she jumps into his arms and they start making out. The waitress comes back and sees them. ]

Waitress: Can I take your — [ signals for Mike and Becky to come over ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ moans ] Oh … lookit, I have to be getting back to the hotel. And I don’t have to leave till ten in the morning, so … if you want to come by later, I’m in room 28. [ hands him the hotel key and gives him another brief kiss ] Ciao, baby. [ She leaves. Mike, Becky and the waitress stand there in awe, jaws dropped. ]

Mike: Unbelievable! … How do you do it?

Rory: Hey, I really wanna thank you guys for coming by. I tell ya, this couldn’t have worked out better if we’d planned it. Excuse me now … [ holds up the hotel key ] … I have an appointment. Ciao. [ leaves ]

Mike: Unbelievable. El Dorko

[ Mike, Becky and the waitress all scratch their heads in unison. Fade to black. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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