Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 13
….. Jamie Lee Curtis
Myron …. Tim Kazurinsky
Mike Phillips ….. Brad Hall
Rory ….. Gary Kroeger
Becky ….. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Waitress ….. Mary Gross
[ Open on Jamie Lee Curtis and her publicist, Myron, sitting at a table in a restaurant. Jamie isn’t too pleased. ]
Jamie Lee Curtis: Myron, I hate this.
Myron: Come on, Jamie, relax. This sort of thing is great publicity. You saw how the public responded to the “Win a Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest. I’m talking over 500,000 entries, honey.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Yeah, well, why couldn’t the winner have come from Palm Springs? Why does he have to come from Cedar Rapids, Iowa? What’s this guy look like, anyway?
Myron: I do not know. He’ll be wearing a pink carnation, is all I know.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Do I have to kiss him if he’s gross-looking?
Myron: The rules say just a goodnight kiss, and no chaperones, so I’m going back to the motel. I’m tired. Thank you. [ gets up from his seat ]
Jamie Lee Curtis: All right, I’ll see you in no less than an hour.
Myron: Okay, be good.
Jamie Lee Curtis: I’ll break your legs.
[ Myron leaves. Enter Rory, wearing a pink carnation on his shirt. ]
Rory: Ahem, um, excuse me, Miss Lee Curtis?
Jamie Lee Curtis: What? Oh … you must be my date.
Rory: Yeah. Whew … well I gotta tell ya … [ sits down next to her ] I’m pretty nervous about this thing. Whew.
Jamie Lee Curtis: It’s all right. Don’t be nervous. I’m Jamie Lee Curtis. [ shakes his hand ]
Rory: Yeah, I know. My name’s Rory. [ she lets go of his hand ] But you’ll probably end up calling me El Dorko.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, I don’t understand.
Rory: Well, that’s what the guys at school call me. They call my buddy Stinky, ’cause one time a stink bomb went off in his face and well, he could never completely get rid of the smell. [ chuckles ] Now he smells like sulfur. He’s gonna be coming by in just awhile to meet ya —
Jamie Lee Curtis: No no no, really, that’s okay, I gotta go. [ she attempts to leave, but he stops her in her tracks ]
Rory: Oh, you know, I have admired you very much, ever since the movie Halloween. Every time I see a psychopathic killer, I think of you. [ chuckles ] I think that’s pretty funny. Um, I also loved you very much in Prom Night. I guess that’s ’cause it kinda reminded me of my own prom. [ Jamie looks concerned ] You see, well, my date, she poured honey all over me and, and then de-pantsed me. They’re always de-pantsing me.
Jamie Lee Curtis: That’s terrible! What kind of girls do you date?
Rory: Well, in this particular case it was my sister. I don’t go out with girls too much ’cause well, whenever I ask ’em out they always say no. Sometimes they even puke. This one girl had apparently been eatin’ peanuts, ’cause they don’t digest very well —
Jamie Lee Curtis: [ cuts him off, giggling ] No, no, no, really, that’s all right …
[ The waitress comes by to refill their water glasses. ]
Jamie Lee Curtis: Thanks.
Waitress: Can I take your order? [ spills a little water ] Whoops —
Rory: That’s all right.
Waitress: [ suddenly notices him ] Rory!
Waitress: Hi! [ amorous ] How come you haven’t called?
Rory: Um, I’ve been pretty busy.
Waitress: [ gasp ] Isn’t that Jamie Lee Curtis?
Rory: Um, yes, as a matter of fact, it is. She is my date this evening.
Waitress: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis, star-struck ] Oh no — whooaaa. I adored you in Halloween. But I had to leave early. What happened after the first ten minutes?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, well you see … [ explains the plot to her ]
[ Enter Mike and Becky behind the table ]
Mike: Hey hey hey, it’s El Dorko! [ slaps Rory’s shoulder and shoves his head ]
Rory: Good evening, friends.
Becky: [ gasps, gets closer to Mike ] Oh God, Mike, he’s with Jamie Lee Curtis!
Rory: How ya doin’?
Mike: Hey Dorko … how come you’re with Jamie Lee Curtis?
Rory: Well, I … I just asked her out.
Mike: What, and she didn’t puke? What’s she doing in Cedar Rapids?
Rory: Um, well, I’m not really sure about that. I think she might have an uncle in town or something.
Becky: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis ] Hey … what are you doing out with El Dorko?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Oh, Rory won the “Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest in Tiger Beat magazine.
Becky: Tiger Beat? [ she and Mike laugh out loud, as Mike slaps Rory’s head ]
Jamie Lee Curtis: [ touches Rory’s arm ] I’m sorry, Rory, I hope I didn’t embarrass you.
Rory: It’s okay, I’m really pretty used to it.
Mike: Hey, hey, Dorko, Dorko, stand up! [ walks around the table as Becky takes the pitcher of water from the waitress ]
Rory: Here it comes …
Mike: Come on!
[ Rory stands up. Becky hands Mike the pitcher of water, and pulls down Rory’s pants. ]
Mike: Hey, here’s some fun! [ Pours the pitcher of water down Rory’s boxer shorts. Mike laughs, throws some water in Rory’s face. ] See ya, Dorko! [ Laughs as he and Becky leave. The waitress follows them, also laughing ]
Jamie Lee Curtis: That was just AWFUL!
Rory: Like I said, I’m pretty used to it.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, why don’t you stand up to ’em?
Rory: Oh, I don’t dare talk back to ’em. One time I did, and the next day in gym class, they spread deep-heating rub in my jock. Even to this day, I might not be capable of having children.
Jamie Lee Curtis: [ runs her fingers through his hair ] Rory, you know, you are so bright and sensitive, you know, you have qualities that they can only dream about. You know, look, I gotta get back, I gotta get to the airport early and I need some sleep …
Rory: Yeah … yeah …
Jamie Lee Curtis: [ softly touches his chest, then his face ] … but I just want you to know that I think you’re really a special kind of guy.
Rory: Um, according to the contest rules, I believe that I am supposed to receive a goodnight kiss.
Jamie Lee Curtis: I’d kiss you even if I didn’t have to. [ gives him a deep kiss ] Oh … you know, that was terrific. [ takes off his glasses and kisses him again, this time more passionately ] You are just a great kisser! [ she jumps into his arms and they start making out. The waitress comes back and sees them. ]
Waitress: Can I take your — [ signals for Mike and Becky to come over ]
Jamie Lee Curtis: [ moans ] Oh … lookit, I have to be getting back to the hotel. And I don’t have to leave till ten in the morning, so … if you want to come by later, I’m in room 28. [ hands him the hotel key and gives him another brief kiss ] Ciao, baby. [ She leaves. Mike, Becky and the waitress stand there in awe, jaws dropped. ]
Mike: Unbelievable! … How do you do it?
Rory: Hey, I really wanna thank you guys for coming by. I tell ya, this couldn’t have worked out better if we’d planned it. Excuse me now … [ holds up the hotel key ] … I have an appointment. Ciao. [ leaves ]
Mike: Unbelievable. El Dorko …
[ Mike, Becky and the waitress all scratch their heads in unison. Fade to black. ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez