SNL Transcripts: Billy Crystal: 03/17/84


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 15

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 25th, 1984

Billy Crystal

Al Jarreau


Andy Breckman

Ed Koch

Clint Smith

Yvonne Hudson
St. Patrick’s Day Wrap-UpSummary: A confused Siobhan Cahill (Mary Gross) reports from a Purim celebration instead of the St. Patrick’s Day celebration she’d intended.

Recurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.


Bill Crystal’s MonologueSummary: Billy Crystal performs stand-up about dating as a teenager.

Hung Like MeRecurring Characters: Pee Wee Herman.

Winston UniversitySummary: The recruiter (Billy Crystal) for Winston University lets a high school class in on a secret, but, if they tell anyone about it, he will track them down and kill them.


Family in the AtticSummary: A Swiss couple (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) suddenly remember that they never set a group of WWII refugees free after the war ended.

Note: This sketch was pre-filmed to accomodate Eddie Murphy’s movie schedule.

Sammy & ronald ReaganSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) asks Sammy Davis, Jr. (Billy Crystal) to publicly hug his opponents as a measure to guarantee his re-election.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Sammy Davis, Jr.

Unanswered Questions of the UniverseRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Bad Career MovesSummary: Fred Kaz (Jim Belushi) interviews Hervé Villechaize (Billy Crystal), who recently quit “Fantasy Island” in pursuit of more money.


Saturday Night NewsSummary: Recurring Characters: Fernando.

Al Jarreau performs “Mornin'”

God’s PlaceRecurring Characters: John F. Kennedy, Babe Ruth, Charlie Chaplin.

The Womb

Al Jarreau performs “Trouble in Paradise”

Billy Crystal’s SNL StorySummary: Billy Crystal tells the audience about his stand-up performance that was cut from the very first of episode of “Saturday Night Live”, but time runs out once more before he can perform it.



SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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