SNL Transcripts: Billy Crystal: 03/17/84: Bad Career Moves


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 15

83o: Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau

Bad Career Moves

Fred Kaz…..Jim Belushi
Hervé Villechaize…..Billy Crystal

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve onto the set ]

Fred Kaz: Good evening. I’m Fred Kaz, and welcome to “Bad Career Moves.” The show that features people from all walks of life who’ve made diastrous career choices. Won’t you please welcome this week’s guest – Hervé Villechaize.

[ camera pulls out to reveal the tiny Hervé Villechaize sitting in the chair with his legs full across the cushion ]

Hervé Villechaize: Good to see you, Fred. Very nice to see you.

Fred Kaz: Well. It’s very, uh – it’s very nice to see, uh – it’s very nice to see anybody after that last career move you made.

Hervé Villechaize: Yes, yes, I – it has been a very strange time for me, but, uh —

Fred Kaz: So, how have you been?

Hervé Villechaize: I’ve been very good, thank you very much. I, uh, try to keep in shape. You know, I run a great deal.

Fred Kaz: Mmm-hmm. How much?

Hervé Villechaize: I’m up to 300, uh – 350 feet a day. Sometimes, you know, I get a second wind and I can go another 100, 150 feet.

Fred Kaz: Yeah.

Hervé Villechaize: You break into what you call the runner’s exhilarated high. It’s very exhilarating to me.

Fred Kaz: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, listen, uh – you gotta be a nut to quit “Fantasy Island.” Whatever possessed you?

Hervé Villechaize: Well, uh, I felt they were not developing the character of Tattoo as a human being.

Fred Kaz: Yeah. Sure. Like the audience really cared. I mean, uh, Hervé, all you really had to do was point to the plane and say, “Da plane, Boss! Da plane! Da plane!” And you get to go home with a big sack of money.

Hervé Villechaize: Well, you don’t understand. I wanted to grow as an actor. Uh, I wanted to stretch.

Fred Kaz: Oh, stop it!

Hervé Villechaize: In fact, I always got a feeling on the set that Ricardo Montalban – who I had most of my scenes with – he was, like, looking down on me! And the food, at lunch, was always too big for me to handle. So, in the end, uh.. well, it came down, like it does in this business very often, to money. I wanted to get paid what I felt an actor of my status should be paid.

Fred Kaz: Yeah? Well, how much was that?

Hervé Villechaize: $75,000 a week.

Fred Kaz: What? Tom Selleck only gets fifty grand a week!

Hervé Villechaize: So? I felt that ws what I was worth, and I quit!

Fred Kaz: So, that’s riduculous! That’s $25,000 a foot!

Hervé Villechaize: Well —

Fred Kaz: It was a bad career move. It was a bad career move. So, what are you working on now?

Hervé Villechaize: I’m doing a little dinner theater. Uh, it’s an all-dwarf production of “Death of a Salesman.” We’re at the Rama Rama Dinner Theater, just outside Chula Vista. Just take I-90 to 106, get off at the Chimichango exit, adn we’re just opposite Carpet World.

Fred Kaz: Death of a Salesman”?

Hervé Villechaize: Oh yes, it’s a great play, and I play the classic role of Willy Loman. The play – the play – is very good. [ no audience response ] The play – the play – is very good. [ audience laughs ] But the food is very good.

Fred Kaz: Yeah. Well, thanks, Hervé. You were a real idiot to quit “Fantasy Island.”

Hervé Villechaize: Thank you.

Fred Kaz: Anywho – join us next week on “Bad Career Moves”, when our guests – host – guest – will be Suzanne Somers. So long.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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