Billy Crystal’s SNL Story


Billy Crystal’s SNL Story

… Billy Crystal
… Dave Wilson

[Applause for host Billy Crystal who stands in frontof a fancy backdrop labeled “MUSIC HALL” and addressesthe camera.]

Billy Crystal: Thank you. I– [waits forapplause to end] I am, uh, especially thrilled to bethe host of Saturday Night Live tonight. This is showthree-seventy. Three hundred and seventy shows. I waspart of – the first show. You may not have–[scattered applause] But you didn’t see me. … Andthat is what this story’s quickly about.

You know, when you’re doing something new– This was1975 and I was a new comic. I was “Bill” Crystal then– I was too hip for the “Y” and– … There was thisexciting show called Saturday Night Live and we werehere and I was part of the first show. The guest hostwas George Carlin and there was Andy Kaufman, ValriBromfield who’s on “The New Show,” Billy Preston,Janis Ian and it was great. And that cast who youloved.

Now, things happen when you do a show — especially ashow like this and you see how crazy we are — thingsmovin’, things gettin’ cut, “Is this gonna work?That’s gonna work?,” the show was different in dressrehearsal than it is now and stuff. I was part ofthat. A piece of material I did was too long for theshow — and I got bumped. I wasn’t on the first show.I walked out those doors there. [points] Had to callmy relatives, which was the worst. [imitating oldJewish man on the phone] “What do you mean?! What didyou do?! Did you get FIRED?!” …

So now I want to do for you the piece of material Ididn’t get a chance to do nine years ago. Okay?[applause] So–

Voice of director Dave Wilson: Billy, Billy,Billy!

Billy Crystal: [looks up] What? What?

Voice of director Dave Wilson: I’m sorry,Billy, you won’t be able to do it. We’re out oftime.

Billy Crystal: [annoyed and disappointed]Ohhhh. [apologetic, to the camera] I’ll see you inanother nine years. [to the director] That’s not fair,Dave! That’s not fair!

[Applause as we dissolve to a bumper photo of Crystal,his hand to his face with one eye peeking out betweenhis spread fingers.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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