Winston University


Winston University

Teacher … Robin Duke
Mr. York … Billy Crystal
Roger … Jim Belushi
1st Student … Gary Kroeger
2nd Student … Tim Kazurinsky
3rd Student … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Sleeping Student … Brad Hall

[High school classroom. CLASS OF ’84 COLLEGE DAY iswritten on the chalkboard. The students chatternoisily as the teacher brings the class toorder.]

Teacher: Okay! Students! Students, could wehave quiet, please? Students! Students, this is Mr.York. He’s from Winston University.

[The teacher sits as the wimpy, bespectacled collegerecruiter Mr. York stands at the front of the room infront of an easel displaying a large card with a colorphoto of the campus and struggles through a weak salespitch.]

Mr. York: Thank you. [hesitantly, to the class]Hi. Um, Winston University is a four-year liberal artsinstitution which is located just thirty-five mileswest of Boulder, Colorado. Uh, you kids like to ski?

[The apathetic students pay little attention to any ofthis. Someone responds unenthusiastically.]

Mr. York: No? ‘Kay. [next card shows a photo ofa science building] Uh, this is the sciencebuilding. And we’ve got excellent laboratoryfacilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is, uh,anyone here interested in science? [long pause,no response] No?

[Suddenly, a jock named Roger, wearing football shirtand sunglasses, speaks up.]

Roger: Yeah.

Mr. York: You?

Roger: Yeah. I – I’m interested in, uh,aerodynamics. Look! [throws a paper airplane and makesloud noises, imitating a screaming fighter jetshooting exploding missiles, etc. He and the otherstudents laugh.]

Teacher: [rises, sternly] Roger! Roger, behaveyourself! Turn– Roger, turn around! [chastises theclass] Now, you people are seniors now! This CollegeDay is for your benefit! You only have two moreyears to decide about your future — so I suggest thatyou pay attention. [returning to her seat] Go ahead,Mr. York.

Mr. York: Thank you. [points to the sciencebuilding photo] Uh, this is the main quad. [realizeshe’s got the wrong card, reveals the next card with aphoto of the quad] Uh, er, right, uh, here.There’s the main quad. Heh. It’s been a whilesince I been on the campus. Eh, this is the main quad.This is where most of the freshman dormitories are.Uh, now, if – if you’re a freshman there, you – you’rerequired to use the dorms for the freshman year.[students groan] Oh, you’ll like them, they’re verynice. [suddenly clutching his head in pain] Oh, excuseme. Ohhh. Oooh.

Teacher: [rises] Mister – Mister York, are youall right?

Mr. York: I – I’m – I’m sorry. I have aterrible headache. Do you have any aspirin?

Teacher: Oh, yes, there’s some up in theteachers’ lounge.

Mr. York: Thank you.

Teacher: I’ll go get some.

Mr. York: Thank you very much.

Teacher: [heads to the door, admonishes theclass] Now, you kids behave yourself. [studentsgrumble reluctant agreement] I’ll be rightback.

[The teacher exits out the door. Mr. York, who hasfaked his headache in order to get the teacher out ofthe room, cautiously hurries to the door and shuts itafter her.]

Mr. York: [urgently, to the students] How longwill it take her to get back here? [whips off hiseyeglasses] HOW LONG, DAMN IT?! [the students jump insurprise]

1st Student: I don’t know — about threeminutes.

Mr. York: Okay. [slaps a sleeping student] WAKEUP! LET’S GO! [hauls the student out of his chair andpoints to the nearby window] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET’SGO! [jerks a thumb at the remaining two windows] CLOSETHOSE BLINDS! LET’S GO! [two students jump up and allblinds are closed as York rushes to the front of theroom and whips off his jacket] Let’s get this thingstarted.

Okay, SIT DOWN! [everyone sits, their attentionriveted on the intense York who speaks rapidly butclearly] Now, listen carefully, I’m about to tell yousomething. It’s a secret. And if this secret everleaves this classroom, I will find you – and I willkill you. … [the students look at each other dumbly]Do you understand? Here’s how it works!

[reveals the next card on the easel – an illustrationof a stack of cash split evenly between YOU andUNIVERSITY] Your parents cough up twelve thousanddollars a year to send you to Winston University,right? We split it right down the middle! … Sixthousand for you, six thousand for us. For four years,that’s twenty-four thousand dollars. Got it?

[the students murmur enthusiastic agreement – nextcard shows an illustration of a campus full of falsebuilding fronts] All right, this is the campus. All ofthe buildings on campus? FAKE! … [points to the onereal building] This building is the dormitory. That’swhat we use it for on only one day of the year –Visiting Day, April 12th. We don’t care what you dowith the money, we don’t care where you go — but youmust be back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th. …If you’re not back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th,we will find you and we will kill you. …

[students murmur, impressed, “Cool!” – next card is areproduction of a diploma] This is your diploma. Youwill be handed your diploma when you first arrive oncampus but you are NOT to show it to anybody for fouryears. … If you show your diploma to somebody withinthe four-year period, we will find you and we willkill you. …

2nd Student: [nerdy guy in sweater andeyeglasses] Eh, eh, eh, excuse me. But – what aboutour education? What about learning? [Roger thejock smacks him in the back of the head with a book]… I – I’m sorry. Go on.

Mr. York: Thank you. [next card shows a collegetranscript] Your grade point average will be athree-point-eight! Congratulations! [students cheerand applaud – next card shows photos of a telephoneoperator and U.S. MAIL bags] We have operators on dutyto – to forward all your phone calls. We will beforwarding your mail. Now–

3rd Student: Wait a minute. Can we really getaway with this?

Mr. York: [next card shows a photo of a massivecrowd of people on a green lawn] Last year, WinstonUniversity had a graduating class of fifty-ninethousand. … No books, no tests, no classes! Justtwenty-four thousand dollars and four years to spendit in! Winston University! Remember our motto — [nextcard reads:] “You Tell Anyone and We’ll KillYou.”

[Students cheer and applaud as the teacher returnswith a bottle of aspirin. She is shocked at thestudents enthusiasm. York quickly hides thecards.]

Mr. York: What’s the best college in theworld?!

Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!

Mr. York: And where ya gonna spend your nextfour years?!

Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!

Mr. York: Okay, thank you! Take someapplications on the way out.

[York hands out applications as the students excitedlyrush up, grab them and exit the classroom.]

Mr. York: Thank you very much. Nice seeing you.Right, bye. Bye-bye.

[The teacher watches in amazement as the studentsdepart. York gathers up his cards and starts to put onhis jacket.]

Teacher: [offers York the aspirin bottle] Oh,here you go.

Mr. York: Oh, oh, oh, thanks but, uh, I’mfeeling much better now.

Teacher: Well, I have never seen my students soenthusiastic.

Mr. York: Well–

Teacher: You must be a terrificsalesman.

Mr. York: Yeah, but the school really sellsitself.

Teacher: Well, I can imagine.

Mr. York: [chuckles]

Teacher: You know, a lot of the faculty hereare graduates of Winston University. …

Mr. York: [quickly] Oh, really? Well, I’ve gotto go. Thank you very much. Bye. Nice talking to you.Bye. [hurriedly exits with his cards]

Teacher: [waves good-bye, talks to herself,thoughtful] No one ever seems to talk about it muchthough. Hmm.

[Applause as the teacher goes to chalkboard and startsto erase it. Dissolve and pull back to a wider view ofthe classroom set surrounded by cameras, lights,microphones, and the applauding Studio 8Haudience.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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4 years ago

Why no video?

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