Teacher … Robin Duke
Mr. York … Billy Crystal
Roger … Jim Belushi
1st Student … Gary Kroeger
2nd Student … Tim Kazurinsky
3rd Student … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Sleeping Student … Brad Hall
[High school classroom. CLASS OF ’84 COLLEGE DAY iswritten on the chalkboard. The students chatternoisily as the teacher brings the class toorder.]
Teacher: Okay! Students! Students, could wehave quiet, please? Students! Students, this is Mr.York. He’s from Winston University.
Mr. York: Thank you. [hesitantly, to the class]Hi. Um, Winston University is a four-year liberal artsinstitution which is located just thirty-five mileswest of Boulder, Colorado. Uh, you kids like to ski?[The apathetic students pay little attention to any ofthis. Someone responds unenthusiastically.]
Mr. York: No? ‘Kay. [next card shows a photo ofa science building] Uh, this is the sciencebuilding. And we’ve got excellent laboratoryfacilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is, uh,anyone here interested in science? [long pause,no response] No?
Mr. York: You?
Roger: Yeah. I – I’m interested in, uh,aerodynamics. Look! [throws a paper airplane and makesloud noises, imitating a screaming fighter jetshooting exploding missiles, etc. He and the otherstudents laugh.]
Teacher: [rises, sternly] Roger! Roger, behaveyourself! Turn– Roger, turn around! [chastises theclass] Now, you people are seniors now! This CollegeDay is for your benefit! You only have two moreyears to decide about your future — so I suggest thatyou pay attention. [returning to her seat] Go ahead,Mr. York.
Mr. York: Thank you. [points to the sciencebuilding photo] Uh, this is the main quad. [realizeshe’s got the wrong card, reveals the next card with aphoto of the quad] Uh, er, right, uh, here.There’s the main quad. Heh. It’s been a whilesince I been on the campus. Eh, this is the main quad.This is where most of the freshman dormitories are.Uh, now, if – if you’re a freshman there, you – you’rerequired to use the dorms for the freshman year.[students groan] Oh, you’ll like them, they’re verynice. [suddenly clutching his head in pain] Oh, excuseme. Ohhh. Oooh.
Teacher: [rises] Mister – Mister York, are youall right?
Mr. York: I – I’m – I’m sorry. I have aterrible headache. Do you have any aspirin?
Teacher: Oh, yes, there’s some up in theteachers’ lounge.
Mr. York: Thank you.
Teacher: I’ll go get some.
Mr. York: Thank you very much.
Teacher: [heads to the door, admonishes theclass] Now, you kids behave yourself. [studentsgrumble reluctant agreement] I’ll be rightback.
Mr. York: [urgently, to the students] How longwill it take her to get back here? [whips off hiseyeglasses] HOW LONG, DAMN IT?! [the students jump insurprise]
1st Student: I don’t know — about threeminutes.
Mr. York: Okay. [slaps a sleeping student] WAKEUP! LET’S GO! [hauls the student out of his chair andpoints to the nearby window] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET’SGO! [jerks a thumb at the remaining two windows] CLOSETHOSE BLINDS! LET’S GO! [two students jump up and allblinds are closed as York rushes to the front of theroom and whips off his jacket] Let’s get this thingstarted.
Okay, SIT DOWN! [everyone sits, their attentionriveted on the intense York who speaks rapidly butclearly] Now, listen carefully, I’m about to tell yousomething. It’s a secret. And if this secret everleaves this classroom, I will find you – and I willkill you. … [the students look at each other dumbly]Do you understand? Here’s how it works!
2nd Student: [nerdy guy in sweater andeyeglasses] Eh, eh, eh, excuse me. But – what aboutour education? What about learning? [Roger thejock smacks him in the back of the head with a book]… I – I’m sorry. Go on.
Mr. York: Thank you. [next card shows a collegetranscript] Your grade point average will be athree-point-eight! Congratulations! [students cheerand applaud – next card shows photos of a telephoneoperator and U.S. MAIL bags] We have operators on dutyto – to forward all your phone calls. We will beforwarding your mail. Now–
3rd Student: Wait a minute. Can we really getaway with this?
Mr. York: [next card shows a photo of a massivecrowd of people on a green lawn] Last year, WinstonUniversity had a graduating class of fifty-ninethousand. … No books, no tests, no classes! Justtwenty-four thousand dollars and four years to spendit in! Winston University! Remember our motto — [nextcard reads:] “You Tell Anyone and We’ll KillYou.”[Students cheer and applaud as the teacher returnswith a bottle of aspirin. She is shocked at thestudents enthusiasm. York quickly hides thecards.]
Mr. York: What’s the best college in theworld?!
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!
Mr. York: And where ya gonna spend your nextfour years?!
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!
Mr. York: Okay, thank you! Take someapplications on the way out.[York hands out applications as the students excitedlyrush up, grab them and exit the classroom.]
Mr. York: Thank you very much. Nice seeing you.Right, bye. Bye-bye.[The teacher watches in amazement as the studentsdepart. York gathers up his cards and starts to put onhis jacket.]
Teacher: [offers York the aspirin bottle] Oh,here you go.
Mr. York: Oh, oh, oh, thanks but, uh, I’mfeeling much better now.
Teacher: Well, I have never seen my students soenthusiastic.
Mr. York: Well–
Teacher: You must be a terrificsalesman.
Mr. York: Yeah, but the school really sellsitself.
Teacher: Well, I can imagine.
Mr. York: [chuckles]
Teacher: You know, a lot of the faculty hereare graduates of Winston University. …
Mr. York: [quickly] Oh, really? Well, I’ve gotto go. Thank you very much. Bye. Nice talking to you.Bye. [hurriedly exits with his cards]
Teacher: [waves good-bye, talks to herself,thoughtful] No one ever seems to talk about it muchthough. Hmm.[Applause as the teacher goes to chalkboard and startsto erase it. Dissolve and pull back to a wider view ofthe classroom set surrounded by cameras, lights,microphones, and the applauding Studio 8Haudience.]