Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 16
Patient #1 …. Mary Gross
Patient #2 …. Gary Kroeger
[ Open on Spokesman standing outside ]
Spokesman: We’re here at New York’s famous Metropolitan University Hospital, which treats patients from all over the world.[ Cut to Spokesman inside the hospital, walking among nurses and doctors ]
Spokesman: Here in the hospital’s intensive care unit, the supply of blood can make the difference between life … and death.[ Cut to Spokesman in a hospital room, next to a patient in bed ]
Spokesman: Today, we’re secretly replacing the fine blood these patients normally live on …
Spokesman: … with Foldger’s Crystals.[ Cut to a shot of the crystals being spooned and stirred in a coffee pot-shaped intravenous ]
Spokesman: Are dark, sparkling Foldger’s Crystals rich enough to keep these patients alive and well? Let’s watch.[ Cut to a shot of the patient’s arm – the liquid in the IV tube turns from dark red to dark brown. Cut to Spokesman next to patient ]
Spokesman: How do you feel?
Patient #1: Fine, thank you.
Spokesman: Did you know that we’ve replaced all of your blood with Foldger’s Crystals?
Patient #1: In instant?
Spokesman: That’s right.
Patient #1: I can’t believe it. I feel great. I’m full of Foldger’s Crystals, really?
Spokesman: Yes, and so are all the other patients in this intensive care unit. How do you all feel?[ The other patients show reactions of approval ]
Other patients: Great! Terrific! Pretty good! Thumbs up![ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product again ]
Spokesman: Foldger’s Crystals. A coffee rich enough to replace human blood.[ Fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez