SNL Transcripts: Michael Douglas: 04/07/84: Foldgers Crystals

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 16

83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams

Foldgers Crystals

Patient #1 …. Mary Gross
Patient #2 …. Gary Kroeger

[ Open on Spokesman standing outside ]

Spokesman: We’re here at New York’s famous Metropolitan University Hospital, which treats patients from all over the world.

[ Cut to Spokesman inside the hospital, walking among nurses and doctors ]

Spokesman: Here in the hospital’s intensive care unit, the supply of blood can make the difference between life … and death.

[ Cut to Spokesman in a hospital room, next to a patient in bed ]

Spokesman: Today, we’re secretly replacing the fine blood these patients normally live on …

[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product ]

Spokesman: … with Foldger’s Crystals.

[ Cut to a shot of the crystals being spooned and stirred in a coffee pot-shaped intravenous ]

Spokesman: Are dark, sparkling Foldger’s Crystals rich enough to keep these patients alive and well? Let’s watch.

[ Cut to a shot of the patient’s arm – the liquid in the IV tube turns from dark red to dark brown. Cut to Spokesman next to patient ]

Spokesman: How do you feel?

Patient #1: Fine, thank you.

Spokesman: Did you know that we’ve replaced all of your blood with Foldger’s Crystals?

Patient #1: In instant?

Spokesman: That’s right.

Patient #1: I can’t believe it. I feel great. I’m full of Foldger’s Crystals, really?

Spokesman: Yes, and so are all the other patients in this intensive care unit. How do you all feel?

[ The other patients show reactions of approval ]

Other patients: Great! Terrific! Pretty good! Thumbs up!

[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product again ]

Spokesman: Foldger’s Crystals. A coffee rich enough to replace human blood.

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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