SNL Transcripts: Michael Douglas: 04/07/84: Foldgers Crystals


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 16

83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams

Foldgers Crystals

Patient #1 …. Mary Gross
Patient #2 …. Gary Kroeger

[ Open on Spokesman standing outside ]

Spokesman: We’re here at New York’s famous Metropolitan University Hospital, which treats patients from all over the world.

[ Cut to Spokesman inside the hospital, walking among nurses and doctors ]

Spokesman: Here in the hospital’s intensive care unit, the supply of blood can make the difference between life … and death.

[ Cut to Spokesman in a hospital room, next to a patient in bed ]

Spokesman: Today, we’re secretly replacing the fine blood these patients normally live on …

[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product ]

Spokesman: … with Foldger’s Crystals.

[ Cut to a shot of the crystals being spooned and stirred in a coffee pot-shaped intravenous ]

Spokesman: Are dark, sparkling Foldger’s Crystals rich enough to keep these patients alive and well? Let’s watch.

[ Cut to a shot of the patient’s arm – the liquid in the IV tube turns from dark red to dark brown. Cut to Spokesman next to patient ]

Spokesman: How do you feel?

Patient #1: Fine, thank you.

Spokesman: Did you know that we’ve replaced all of your blood with Foldger’s Crystals?

Patient #1: In instant?

Spokesman: That’s right.

Patient #1: I can’t believe it. I feel great. I’m full of Foldger’s Crystals, really?

Spokesman: Yes, and so are all the other patients in this intensive care unit. How do you all feel?

[ The other patients show reactions of approval ]

Other patients: Great! Terrific! Pretty good! Thumbs up!

[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product again ]

Spokesman: Foldger’s Crystals. A coffee rich enough to replace human blood.

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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