SNL Transcripts: Michael Douglas: 04/07/84: Foldgers Crystals

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 16








83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams

Foldgers Crystals

Patient #1 …. Mary Gross
Patient #2 …. Gary Kroeger

[ Open on Spokesman standing outside ]

Spokesman: We’re here at New York’s famous Metropolitan University Hospital, which treats patients from all over the world.

[ Cut to Spokesman inside the hospital, walking among nurses and doctors ]

Spokesman: Here in the hospital’s intensive care unit, the supply of blood can make the difference between life … and death.

[ Cut to Spokesman in a hospital room, next to a patient in bed ]

Spokesman: Today, we’re secretly replacing the fine blood these patients normally live on …

[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product ]

Spokesman: … with Foldger’s Crystals.

[ Cut to a shot of the crystals being spooned and stirred in a coffee pot-shaped intravenous ]

Spokesman: Are dark, sparkling Foldger’s Crystals rich enough to keep these patients alive and well? Let’s watch.

[ Cut to a shot of the patient’s arm – the liquid in the IV tube turns from dark red to dark brown. Cut to Spokesman next to patient ]

Spokesman: How do you feel?

Patient #1: Fine, thank you.

Spokesman: Did you know that we’ve replaced all of your blood with Foldger’s Crystals?

Patient #1: In instant?

Spokesman: That’s right.

Patient #1: I can’t believe it. I feel great. I’m full of Foldger’s Crystals, really?

Spokesman: Yes, and so are all the other patients in this intensive care unit. How do you all feel?

[ The other patients show reactions of approval ]

Other patients: Great! Terrific! Pretty good! Thumbs up!

[ Cut to Spokesman holding up the product again ]

Spokesman: Foldger’s Crystals. A coffee rich enough to replace human blood.

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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