SNL Transcripts: Michael Douglas: 04/07/84: The Garage Band


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 16

83p: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams

The Garage Band

Nina Blackwood …. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Garage Band member #1 …. Brad Hall
Garage Band member #2 …. Jim Belushi
Garage Band member #3 …. Gary Kroeger
Agent (in video) …. Tim Kazurinsky
Chick (in video) …. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[ Open on Nina Blackwood in the MTV studio. Sitting beside her are the three members of the Garage Band, excited to be on the program. ]

Nina Blackwood: Welcome back! I’m Nina Blackwood on MTV, your music station! I’m in the studio with the Garage Band and their world premiere vid-e-o! All right! Ahoy there boys, what’s happening?

Garage Band members: All right! All right!

Garage Band member #2: We are the Garage Band, and we are number ONE!

Garage Band member #1: We have ARRIVED! Yeah!

Garage Band member #2: Right!

Nina Blackwood: This is great! OWWWWWCH! I love to meet new bands, and you are hhhhhhhhh-HOT-ah!

Garage Band members: “Hhhhhhh-HOT!” [ they react in excitement ]

Nina Blackwood: Okay guys, what’s your record label?

[ The band becomes somewhat sheepish ]

Garage Band member #1: Well, we uh … we don’t exactly have a recording contract or anything. Yet! Yet.

Garage Band member #3: We got a great cover, though! [ displays the cover of their album, and they all make sure the viewer sees it ]

Garage Band members: [ pointing to the album cover ] Check this out! Look at the cover! All right! This is a GREAT cover!

Nina Blackwood: Oh, so now uh, so this is your first record?

[ Awkward pause ]

Garage Band member #3: Well, it will be when we cut it. [ the other two nod in agreement ]

Nina Blackwood: You mean, you guys haven’t cut an album yet?

Garage Band member #1: Well — twelve songs is a lot to write.

Garage Band member #2: An awful lot. — But we got a VIDEO!

Garage Band members: Yeah! All right! It’s good!

Nina Blackwood: All right! Cookin’! I cannot WAIT to see it! Let’s roll the tape. World premiere vid-e-o from the Garage Band!

[ The Garage Band members writhe in excitement as their video comes on ] [ SUPER: “LOOK AT OUR VIDEO” / THE GARAGE BAND / NO RECORD LABEL, YET ] [ The video begins with a shot of an old man washing the back of a 1957 Ford Fairlane 500 Convertible. He perks his ear up as he hears … ]

Garage Band member #1: [ off camera ] ONE! TWO! One two three …

[ The old man drops his sponge into the bucket on the first downbeat. Cut to a smoke-induced shot of all three Garage Band members in a garage, rocking out with an additional bassist and drummer, as their song begins to play. As the song plays, we cut three close-ups of each member]

Garage Band: [ singing ] Look at our video, video, video,
Plenty of close-ups to make us look good.

[ The three close-ups are then seen as part of the “Brady Bunch” split screen. Three women appear in the next shot, in white negliges, in front of a graffiti’d wall. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] Look at our video, video, video.
Don’t like our music? Well, look at these chicks!

[ Cut to the band members in the garage, marching along to the song, holding records and throwing bundles of money, eventually reaching the three women. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.

[ Cut to the band in a bedroom, excitedly answering a ringing telephone. The agent appears in the room beside them, lip syncing to the song. He is then found in a shower surrounded by women, when Garage Band member #3 closes the curtain. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] Our agent called us this morning.
He said “You’ve gotta make a video, boys.
And if it’s good enough, you’ll be on MTV
And all the kids will start buying your noise.”

[ Cut to the band posing by the convertible, followed by a guitar lick from Garage Band member #1. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] So we rented and camera and we stole this car,
And now it’s lights, cameras, action, guitars!

[ The two other members appear beside him. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] So if you’re looking for us, we’ll be on MTV,
‘Cause we’re the number one video stars.So BUY IT!

[ They all pose for a picture as the words “BUY IT” flash on the screen, with $6.98 in the upper right corner, reflecting the record cover shown earlier. The frame spirals downward, and we cut to alternating shots from the same angle of the three members outside, showing slick dance moves, wearing ZZ Top beards. ]

Garage Band: [ rapping ] Roses are red, violets for grapes.
We borrowed money for a video tape.
We’re so cool. Check out this action.
We can all move like Michael Jackson.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
How do you like our video?
We got the cameras, we got the dough,
We’ll show you all the video tricks we know!

[ Cut to the band in the garage, which flips upside down and turns different colors. ]

Garage Band: Like special effects …

[ Back to the chicks in a sexy pose; the guitar gives a wolf-whistle ]

Garage Band: And chicks!

[ Cut to a slow-motion shot of Garage Band member #3 combing his hair ]

Garage Band: Slow-mo!

[ Back to the chicks, who toss facial pads at the camera; the guitar gives a wolf-whistle ]

Garage Band: And chicks!

[ Cut to Garage Band member #1 posing by the convertible as the motor roars ]

Garage Band: CARS!!

[ Back to the chicks, who roll their eyes and blow their hair upwards. ]

Garage Band: And chicks!

[ The band members appear behind them, dressed as ZZ Top and playing guitars ]

Garage Band: Guitars!

[ Cut to a shot of baby chickens, with a “wah-wah” sound from the keyboard ]

Garage Band: And chicks!

[ Cut to a smoke-induced, silhouetted shot of Julia in chains, writhing as the Garage Band members wave their guitars around as weapons ]

Garage Band: Sex … and … VIOLENCE!!!

[ They all fall to the ground as she looks confused. Cut to Garage Band member #1 performing a guitar “lick” with his tongue, then throwing it through a wall of glass towards the camera ]

Garage Band: Guitars!

[ Cut to Garage Band member #2, holding a keytar, sustaining one note ]

Garage Band: Keyboards!

[ Cut to Garage Band member #3, who plays the saxophone for one brief off-key note ]

Garage Band: Sax!

[ Cut back to the garage, where a doctor examines all their mouths with a tongue depressor, as they all say “ahhh” in corresponding harmonies. Julia appears by them, giving a wink. ] [ Cut to the band in another smoke-induced part of the garage, coming towards the camera and waving their instruments, with a brief strobe effect. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.

[ The smoke starts to make them cough as it fills the garage ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.

[ Outside, Garage Band member #2 crawls on the concrete and encounters a tube with exhaust coming from it. It’s connected to the car we saw at the beginning. The old man disconnects it from the exhaust pipe. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.

[ The old man gets into the driver’s seat of the car, which is now full of chicks. The frame freezes. ]

Garage Band: [ singing ] We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get rich.
We just want to sell records. (whoa-oh)
We just want to get chicks.

[ SUPER: ” LOOK AT OUR VIDEO” / THE GARAGE BAND / If you know anybody in the record business, call us. ] [ Back to the MTV studio. Nina Blackwood and the Garage Band react in excitement to what they just saw. ]

Nina Blackwood: All right! Okay!

Garage Band member #2: Dig all those chicks! Chicks are great!

Nina Blackwood: There you are! The Garage Band vid-e-o! Hhhhhhh-HOT-ah!

Garage Band members: “Hhhhhhh-HOT-ah!”

Nina Blackwood: I hope you boys have a lot of luck with it!

Garage Band member #1: No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, there’s more! You still haven’t seen “The Making of the Garage Band Video!”

Garage Band member #2: Very good, very good.

Nina Blackwood: Okay, guys, maybe some other time.

Garage Band member #2: Wait a minute — maybe some other time — that sounds like a song.

Garage Band member #1: “Maybe Some Other Time”!

Garage Band member #2: One, two, three —

Garage Band member #1: [ starts making up a song on the spot with the other members ] Maybe some other time, (wait, wait) maybe some other time, (that’s it, that’s it) exchanging glances, maybe some other– we’ll work on it.

Garage Band member #2: We’re gonna work on that.

Garage Band member #3: We can write.

Nina Blackwood: Okay! All right! Well now, right now it is now time for somebody to come between you … and your allowance.

Garage Band member #1: [ whispers to camera, gives thumbs up as she talks ] The Garage Band. We’re the Garage Band.

Nina Blackwood: Until later, adios!

[ The MTV logo takes up the screen. Fade to black. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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