Price & Waterhouse


Price & Waterhouse

Voice on Intercom…..Mary Gross
Waterhouse…..Jim Belushi
Price…..Tim Kazurinsky
Man…..Brad Hall
Woman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[ open on interior, Price & Waterhouse’s private office; Waterhouse sits behind the desk, Price leans in from the front ] [ intercom buzzes ]

Waterhouse: [ presses button ] Yes?

Intercom: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse? They’re here.

Waterhouse: Thank you.

[ Waterhouse walks over to the vaulted door, works an upper combination lock, a lower combination lock, spins the handle and opens the vault door ] [ a dark-suited, shaded, man handcuffed to a steel briefcase enters, followed by a security guard ]

Man: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse?

Waterhouse: Yes?

Man: The final Academy Award tallies, gentlemen.

[ Waterhouse proceeds to release the handcuffs from the briefcase, as Price holds a Bible to the man’s right hand ]

Price: Do you solemnly swear that you have not seen the contents of this briefcase?

Man: I have not, sir.

Price: That’ll be all.

Man: Thank you.

[ man and security guard exit the office, as Waterhouse quickly locks it shut ]

Price: You got your half of the combination?

Waterhouse: Yes, I do.

Price: Okay, here’s mine.

[ they take out their respective halves of the combination – Waterhouse collects both and reads them off ]

Waterhouse: Okay. 6 left.. 9 right.. 4 left.

[ Price removes a pile of sheets, as Waterhouse collects a stack of envelopes ]

Price: Okay. I’ll read the winners, and you pick up the winning envelope, okay?

Waterhouse: Okay. Alright, what do we have for Best Movie?

Price: Best Movie? [ looks on the sheets ] “The Dresser.”

Waterhouse: [ with a look of distaste ] I hated that movie. I mean, really – I really hated that movie.

Price: So did I.

Waterhouse: You did?

Price: Yeah. All that, “Can I help with Sir’s bedpan?”

Waterhouse: Ugh, that was horrible! Well, I guess, Mr. Price, it’s up to us again this year to pick the final tally. [ looks through the sheets ] Alright, let’s see.. “The Right Stuff”? [ Price shakes his head ] Too long. “The Big Chill”? Nice soundtrack..

Price: But, uh, far too pretentious.

Waterhouse: Yes. “Tender Mercies”? That was good.

Price: Yes.

Waterhouse: I liked that one. That was a very, very nice film.. [ shuffles envelopes ] Whoop! “Terms of Endearment”!

Price: “Terms of Endearment.”

Waterhouse: That’s the winner, made me cry!

Price: Made me cry, too.

Waterhouse: Yep, love that Brooks. He did a very good job.

Price: Okay.

Waterhouse: Alright. What’s next, Mr. Price?

Price: Let’s see, uh.. how about Best Supporting Actor?

Waterhouse: Best Supporting Actor – who do they have?

Price: Sam Shephard.

Waterhouse: [ crinkles his nose ] He sucked.

Price: Are you crazy? Sam Shephard was the only cool thing in that movie. The guy is good!

Waterhouse: That’s right, that’s right. He’s good.. he’s good-looking, he’s a good actor, he’s a great playwright, and he’s sleeping with Jessica Lange.

Price: [ now miffed as well, rips Shephard’s envelope ] Show-off! Screw it, let’s go with uh, Nicholson!

Waterhouse: Nicholson, let’s go with Nicholson, definitely. He’s balding, he’s got a pot-belly – he’s a real man! That’s a real man!

Price: Yeah.

Waterhouse: Alright, what do we have next? Who do you like for Best Supporting Actress?

Price: Uh.. I don’t like none of them.

Waterhouse: Me, either. Pick one.

Price: [ throws stack in the air, and grabs one at random ] And the winner is.. Cher. So, Cher gets the Oscar.

Waterhouse: Wow.

Price: It’ll be the shortest guy she’s gone out with since Sonny!

Waterhouse: [ chuckles ] Alright, who gets the big one here – Best Actress?

Price: [ reads ] Meryl Streep.

Waterhouse: No!

Price: No?

Waterhouse: No, I’m not going to let this happen again. She won last year, and she didn’t even do a foreign accent this year. Forget it!

Price: Besides, she’s got no boobs.

Waterhouse: Yeah.

Price: Let’s see who’s got the biggest set of headlights!

Waterhouse: Alright, let’s see. [ reads ] Meryl Streep..

Together: No.

Waterhouse: Shirley MacLaine? Yeah.. but she’s old, but..

Price: It’s still a good performance..

Waterhouse: Julie Walters..

Price: No.

Waterhouse: No. Jane Alexander?

Price: No.

Together: Debra Winger!!

Waterhouse: Hey!

[ they each kiss Debra Winger’s envelope ]

Price: Alright, what’s next?

Waterhouse: What’s next, is Best Actor.

Price: [ holds up the Academy tallies ] Hey, this thing’s useless.

Waterhouse: We don’t need it. [ tosses the Academy tallies ]

Price: Okay.

Waterhouse: Alright, who do we got? We got Michael Caine..

Price: Michael Caine..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Tom Conti..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Tom Courtney..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Albert Finney..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Robert Duvall.

Waterhouse: Wait. That’s four Englishmen and one American.

Price: Those limeys think we’re going to give them an Oscar every year?

Waterhouse: Uh-uh. Uh-uh, that’s it – Duvall gets it.

Price: Alright. But, wait, wait, hold it – Duvall didn’t say nothing in that movie!

Waterhouse: Yes. I know, Mr. Price. But it’s how he said nothing that counts.

Price: Well.. I mean, if that’s the case, who says nothing better than anybody else?

Together: [ as it comes to them ] Clint Eastwood!

Waterhouse: Yeah.

Price: Absolutely.

Waterhouse: Let’s give it to him. Wait! He’s not even nominated.

Together: [ as it comes to them ] Write-in!

[ the intercom buzzes ]

Waterhouse: Yes?

Intercom: Mr. Price, Mr. Waterhouse.. they’re here.

Waterhouse: Right with you. [ opens the door to let in a woman carrying a briefcase ]

Woman: Mr. Price, Mr. Wasterhouse – the final tallies for the New York Primary are now officially in your hands. [ hands them the briefcase, and exits ]

Price: I like Mondale.

Waterhouse: I like Hart.

Price: Well.. I like Mondale.

Waterhouse: Hart!

Price: Let’s flip for it.

Waterhouse: Alright, heads for Hart.

[ Waterhouse flips the coin, as Price catches it and looks at it without affording Waterhouse a glance ]

Price: Mondale!

Waterhouse: Hey! You cheat! Give it to me!

Price: I did not cheat!

[ they scuffle after the coin, as they tumble off the set and into the audience ] [ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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