Very Hungry, Hungry Man Dinners
President Ronald Regan…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on welfare dinner table ]
Mother: Dinner! Everybody hungry?
Father: You bet! After a day of hopeless job-hunting, I could eat a bear! [ looks on his plate ] Oh, not surplus cheese-loaf again! This is the eighteenth day in a row!
Mother: But how can I plan an interesting menu on $11 a week? What’s a welfare mother to do?
President Ronald Reagan: [ enters foreground of scene ] Sound familiar? Well, we here at White House Foods don’t believe that poverty-line cusine has to be boring. That’s why we’ve collected starvation-level cooking from around the Third-World for our Very Hungry, Hungry Man Dinners. [ holds up box ] [ show picture of first dinner ]
Take the edge off those hunger pangs with Cambodian Paw ‘N Claw Combo! Big chunks of stray dogs and cats in a rich mud sauce.[ show picture of second dinner ]
Put a smile on those emaciated faces with Curried Fish Heads and Bread Crusts. The dish millions of Indians paid for![ show picture of third dinner ]
Or, from right here at home, authentic American favorites, like Appalachian Black Ling Cake, with real chunks of coal![ show picture of fourth dinner ]
Or Harlem’s traditional Dead Pigeons with Paint Chips![ show dinner table again ]
Father: [ eating his Very HUngry, Hungry Man Dinner ] Honey, this African Dirt Pie is sensational!
Daughter: And I like the crunchy bugs!
Son: You’re a great cook, Mom!
Mother: Well, I had a little help – from the good folks at White House![ cut to Regan standing behind a counter full of Very, Very HUngry Man Dinners ]
President Ronald Reagan: And now, try Very, Very Hungry Man Dinners for the Elderly! Featuring low-sodium Cat Food! And Very Hungry Kid’s School Lunches, complete with two vegetables – ketchup and salt! Enough to meet 100% of my federal nutrition standards![ cut back to the dinner table ]
Mother: Everybody finished? [ they all say “Yeah!” ] Anybody still hungry? [ they all say “Meee!!” ] With White House Frozen Dinners, your family will never get enough![ show counterful of Dinners ]
President Ronald Reagan V/O: Very, Very Hungry Man Dinners. They’re a feast fit for a famine![ zoom out to reveal Clara Peller ]
Clara Peller: Where’s the beef?! Where’s the beef! Where’s the beef!