Very Hungry, Hungry Man Dinners
President Ronald Regan…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on welfare dinner table ]
Mother: Dinner! Everybody hungry?
Father: You bet! After a day of hopeless job-hunting, I could eat a bear! [ looks on his plate ] Oh, not surplus cheese-loaf again! This is the eighteenth day in a row!
Mother: But how can I plan an interesting menu on $11 a week? What’s a welfare mother to do?
President Ronald Reagan: [ enters foreground of scene ] Sound familiar? Well, we here at White House Foods don’t believe that poverty-line cusine has to be boring. That’s why we’ve collected starvation-level cooking from around the Third-World for our Very Hungry, Hungry Man Dinners. [ holds up box ] [ show picture of first dinner ]
Take the edge off those hunger pangs with Cambodian Paw ‘N Claw Combo! Big chunks of stray dogs and cats in a rich mud sauce.[ show picture of second dinner ]
Put a smile on those emaciated faces with Curried Fish Heads and Bread Crusts. The dish millions of Indians paid for!
Or, from right here at home, authentic American favorites, like Appalachian Black Ling Cake, with real chunks of coal![ show picture of fourth dinner ]
Or Harlem’s traditional Dead Pigeons with Paint Chips![ show dinner table again ]
Father: [ eating his Very HUngry, Hungry Man Dinner ] Honey, this African Dirt Pie is sensational!
Daughter: And I like the crunchy bugs!
Son: You’re a great cook, Mom!
Mother: Well, I had a little help – from the good folks at White House![ cut to Regan standing behind a counter full of Very, Very HUngry Man Dinners ]
President Ronald Reagan: And now, try Very, Very Hungry Man Dinners for the Elderly! Featuring low-sodium Cat Food! And Very Hungry Kid’s School Lunches, complete with two vegetables – ketchup and salt! Enough to meet 100% of my federal nutrition standards![ cut back to the dinner table ]
Mother: Everybody finished? [ they all say “Yeah!” ] Anybody still hungry? [ they all say “Meee!!” ] With White House Frozen Dinners, your family will never get enough![ show counterful of Dinners ]
President Ronald Reagan V/O: Very, Very Hungry Man Dinners. They’re a feast fit for a famine![ zoom out to reveal Clara Peller ]
Clara Peller: Where’s the beef?! Where’s the beef! Where’s the beef!