Richard Nixon…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on graphic of the ticking clock from “60 Minutes” ]
Announcer: Tonight on “60 Minutes”, Richard Nixon speaks again.
Interviewer: Mr. Nixon, ten years ago you were paid half-a-million dollars for some interviews, which appeared on “60 Minutes”. It’s now 9194, and we’ve paid you five million dollars for the opportunity to talk to you again. Now, if your grandchildren were to ask you today, “Grandpa, what were the 1984 interviews all about?” what would you tell them?
Richard Nixon: Well, I’d say they were a stupid mistake, uh.. not for me, I made a bundle off of them! But they were a stupid mistake for CBS.
Richard Nixon: Well, because I lied right through the nose! I, uh.. I’d have been crazy not to.
Interviewer: But, why?
Richard Nixon: Because I wouldn’t have gotten the five million out of you for thse interviews! You know, during Watergate, Tricia, my daughter, said it eloquently when she said, “Daddy, you’re such a dork!”
Interviewer: Well, now that you are at the end of your life, how does it feel to be the most villified man in the country?
Richard Nixon: Uh.. sensational! I love it! Uh.. let me tell you, if you lie and cheat, and betray a nation’s trust, people will hate you. And if they hate you, they will want to know all about you, and if they want to know all about you, they’ve got to
Interviewer: But surely..
Richard Nixon: Hey! George McGovern! Everybody loved him. He helped the poor, hated war, the whole country thought he was a saint. The sucker never made a nickel!
Interviewer: In 184, you said, and I quote, “I don’t mind people looking at public officials with a microscope, but not a proctoscope.”
Richard Nixon: Well, that’s a lot of bull.. I love it when the press uses one of those things. In fact, if you really want to get inside Dick Nixon’s head, you have to use a proctoscope!
Interviewer: Well, let me tell you, this is quite shocking, sir. Could we move on to world leaders? Leonid Breznev..
Richard Nixon: Homo!
Interviewer: Well.. Indira Gandhi..
Richard Nixon: Slut!
Interviewer: Sir.. in the midst of this pack of lies, is there anything you can say that is irrefutably true?
Richard Nixon: [ thinks, blinking profusely, seconds pass ] Well.. yes, there is..
Richard Nixon: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”