Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 1
Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous
Robin Leach…..Harry Shearer
Nelson Hepburn…..Martin Short
Anthony Haden-Callas…..Christopher Guest
Robin Leach V/O: This week, meet the distant cousin of a famous actress. He talks about their relationship, and his career, this week on “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.
Robin Leach: I’m celebrity interviewer, Robin Leach.
Robin Leach V/O: Central Park. New York’s tree-lined melting pot. At a prime location halfway between the zoo and Dick Buttons’ favorite bush, sits the hot dog stand owned by Katherine Hepburn’s maternal third cousin, Nelson. We caught up with him recently.
[ cut to Nelson Hepburn working a customer ]
Nelson Hepburn: That’s one dog, thank you. Come again, and don’t gobble that!
[ cut to Nelson Hepburn being interviewed ]
Nelson Hepburn: For many years, Dom DeLuise would stop by. One time, he was famished and in a hurry, he said, “I’ll have four to go.” And he gobbled one down, not waiting, and it got choking in his throat! I ran behind him, I gave him the Heimlich, hit him in the stomach, and it popped out, fell into the water, I resold it, no one was the wiser..
One time, Cher Bono stopped by. She was having a huge jumbo burger, and she spit it out mid-chew and hit me right in the face. At first, I was thrown, and she said, “I just remembered – I’m a vegeterian!”
Robin Leach V/O: Business is good these days for Nelson, but all is not rosy between him and his famous relative.
Nelson Hepburn: We don’t communicate at all. Never did. I tried, through letter, through phone calls, anonymous sometimes, and she’d hang up. One time, she stopped by here, and I said, “Kate, don’t you know me?” And she just looked at me and she said, “More mustard, please!” And walked away! I’m taking Sunday, Sunday’s mine, it always was. And I get up around 4:30 or 5:00, and then, I-I-I-I-I read the paper, I have a huge bowl of bran. For the next three hours, I’m indisposed, and then I phone friends. Before I know it, it’s time to put out weiners, and then it’s dawn, it’s a new day.
Robin Leach V/O: And, when the saurkraut has been applied to the last steaming weiner, sometimes as late as 9PM, Nelson Hepburn leaves for home in his 1978 Plymouth Valiant.
Nelson Hepburn: Oh, the future. What a frightening prospect. I don’t know. I imagine I’ll be here, saying to someone like you, “Do you want mustard, or are you a saurkraut man?” Are you the type to say, “Just give me a weiner, hold the bun”, or do you want soda? I imagine I’ll say, “Whatever you want, give me the money and it’s yours.” Because that’s my job.
Robin Leach V/O: Next week, we talk to the English professor who’s a nephew of comedian Charlie Callas.
Anthony Haden-Callas: I don’t think people have the time to.. [ barks, then begins to jump around like a duck ]
Robin Leach V/O: Next week, on the “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.