SNL Transcripts: (no host): 10/06/84: Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 1

84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins

Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous

Robin Leach…..Harry Shearer
Nelson Hepburn…..Martin Short
Anthony Haden-Callas…..Christopher Guest

Robin Leach V/O: This week, meet the distant cousin of a famous actress. He talks about their relationship, and his career, this week on “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

Robin Leach: I’m celebrity interviewer, Robin Leach.

Robin Leach V/O: Central Park. New York’s tree-lined melting pot. At a prime location halfway between the zoo and Dick Buttons’ favorite bush, sits the hot dog stand owned by Katherine Hepburn’s maternal third cousin, Nelson. We caught up with him recently.

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn working a customer ]

Nelson Hepburn: That’s one dog, thank you. Come again, and don’t gobble that!

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn being interviewed ]

Nelson Hepburn: For many years, Dom DeLuise would stop by. One time, he was famished and in a hurry, he said, “I’ll have four to go.” And he gobbled one down, not waiting, and it got choking in his throat! I ran behind him, I gave him the Heimlich, hit him in the stomach, and it popped out, fell into the water, I resold it, no one was the wiser..

One time, Cher Bono stopped by. She was having a huge jumbo burger, and she spit it out mid-chew and hit me right in the face. At first, I was thrown, and she said, “I just remembered – I’m a vegeterian!”

Robin Leach V/O: Business is good these days for Nelson, but all is not rosy between him and his famous relative.

Nelson Hepburn: We don’t communicate at all. Never did. I tried, through letter, through phone calls, anonymous sometimes, and she’d hang up. One time, she stopped by here, and I said, “Kate, don’t you know me?” And she just looked at me and she said, “More mustard, please!” And walked away! I’m taking Sunday, Sunday’s mine, it always was. And I get up around 4:30 or 5:00, and then, I-I-I-I-I read the paper, I have a huge bowl of bran. For the next three hours, I’m indisposed, and then I phone friends. Before I know it, it’s time to put out weiners, and then it’s dawn, it’s a new day.

Robin Leach V/O: And, when the saurkraut has been applied to the last steaming weiner, sometimes as late as 9PM, Nelson Hepburn leaves for home in his 1978 Plymouth Valiant.

Nelson Hepburn: Oh, the future. What a frightening prospect. I don’t know. I imagine I’ll be here, saying to someone like you, “Do you want mustard, or are you a saurkraut man?” Are you the type to say, “Just give me a weiner, hold the bun”, or do you want soda? I imagine I’ll say, “Whatever you want, give me the money and it’s yours.” Because that’s my job.

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, we talk to the English professor who’s a nephew of comedian Charlie Callas.

Anthony Haden-Callas: I don’t think people have the time to.. [ barks, then begins to jump around like a duck ]

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, on the “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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