Refrigerator Magnets

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Refrigerator Magnets

Mother…..Mary Gross
Doctor…..Rich Hall


[ open on Mother in the kitchen, as little Billy approaches ]

Mother V/O: I’ll never forget the day little Billy came home with stomach pains..

Billy: Mommy..? I have a stomachache..

Mother V/O: At first, nothing seemed unusual – he wasn’t running a temperature. But then I noticed an unusual accumulation of metal objects around Billy’s midsection. That’s when I realized little Billy had been eating.. refrigerator magnets.

[ show Billy being wheeled into the hospital, as a Doctor approaches the camera ]

Doctor: You know, every seven minutes a child is wheeled into the hospital after eating too many refrigerator magnets – those little doodads that resemble cookies and candies and fruits. Sometimes Junior can’t tell them from the real thing. The results.. [ pulls a license plate loose from Billy’s stomach ] ..can be tragic.

[ show Billy on the operating table, as the magnet in his stomach pulls some sharp medical tools toward his abdomen ]

Doctor V/O: Last year, surgeons performed over 9,000 emergency magnectomies. This year, the rate will be even higher.

Doctor: Now, if you suspect that your child is eating magnets, look for these warning signs:

A. Mild stomach pains.

B. An annoying tendancy to point to the north.

C. An unusual attraction to large metal objects.

[ Billy is pulled onto the side of a large rental truck ]

Put magnets behind the fridge, where kids can’t reach them.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] This message has been brought to you by the REFRIGERATOR MAGNET SAFETY ADVISORY BOARD.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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