Buddy Young, Jr. is Back!


Buddy Young, Jr. is Back!

Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Betterget ready! Here comes America’s Kamikaze ofComedy!

[A montage. A sign reads BUDDY YOUNG JR. IS BACK! – Afront page headline in the New York Times reads BUDDYYOUNG IS INSULTING – A New York Post headline readsTIMELY – A black and white publicity photo ofcigar-chomping, middle-aged nightclub comedian BuddyYoung – A sign reads APPEARING NOW – Finally, we cutto film of Buddy on a red-curtained stage, wearing anugly maroon tuxedo, insulting audiencemembers:]

Buddy Young, Jr.: Where you from? New Jersey?What exit? This man’s sitting there in a shirt thatWilliam Bendix died in!

[Rim shot. Nightclub customers crack up withlaughter.]

Announcer V/O: Yes, Buddy Young, Jr. is back!He’s got his act together and is taking it out — oneveryone!

[Buddy harangues a customer with a toupee.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: I’m talkin’ to you, babe.You, in the polyester wig. You know what I’m sayin’?Is that a toupee or do you have a bobcat sitting ontop of your head? Huh? You believe this piece? Look atthis. Go for the extra four bucks. Matter of fact, gobald, babe, okay? Go bald. Better not. [points toanother customer] The Puerto Rican kid’s gonna spraypaint your head.

[Cut to a satisfied customer outside theclub.]

Satisfied Customer: [grins enthusiastically]What a night at the theater!

[Cut back to Buddy on stage.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: What stinks? Somethin’stinks, doesn’t it? Lady? Nice body odor — you smelllike landfill.

[Rim shot. Cut back to the satisfied customer outsidethe club standing next to his wife.]

Satisfied Customer: He called me “a Mexicanpus face.” And said to my wife, “Lovely face, madam.I never saw a tuckus with lipstick before.”

[Cut back to Buddy, on the nightclub floor, workingthe crowd.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. in his comebacktriumph! Audiences can’t get enough!

[In the crowd, Buddy trades friendly slaps andhigh-fives with a middle-aged black man.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: There ya go! [pats black manon shoulder] I’m wild about this guy. My grandfatherOWNED this man! I’ll tell ya– Ah, you’re toomuch!

[Buddy stands with a chubby, frizzy-haired woman wholooks like Marty Allen of the comedy team Allen andRossi.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: This is Marty Allen in drag,this lady, I tell ya. [puts his chin in her hair sothat it looks like he has a beard] Look, I’mLincoln!

[Cut to satisfied customers outside.]

Another Satisfied Customer: [reverently] Hewished me a tumor in my eye and spit in mydrink!

[Cut to Buddy on stage as he puts on a hat and plays acharacter.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. movesaudiences, too! Clown becomes actor with his condensedversion of “Death of a Salesman”!

[Sad piano music accompanies Buddy’s actingperformance.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: [dead serious, to animaginary character] Biff? Biff. Biff, you’rethirty-four years old. [to the nightclub crowd] And hethinks “An Officer and a Gentleman” is a doublefeature! This kid is too wild. That’s it, I tellya–

[Rim shot. Buddy takes off hat, waves itdismissively.]

Announcer V/O: He’s a concerned parent!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Like my kid. My kid isstupid, I tell ya, my kid is a dumb kid. He comeshome, he’s got a lump of dog stuff in his hair and Isay, What the hell is that? He goes, “Pop, I almoststepped in this!” [rim shot] He’s unbelievably dumb.But what we need is Love today! We don’t have Love!You know that! We don’t have Love! My wife — twohours with a bicycle pump to get the hair up likethis.

Announcer: He’s topical!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Phone company drives me nuts.You got trouble with the phone company? Tell me aboutit! The same thing with the life insurance. They don’tknow! They got this mental thing–

Announcer V/O: He’s a feminist!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Especially to you, lady. Yougot enough fat there for two bodies. [rim shot] Let meintroduce a new word to your vocabulary, okay?”Yogurt.” All right? How ’bout these two words, babe?”Sit ups.” Okay, how ’bout this whole sentence? “No, Icouldn’t possibly eat more — marble cake.”

Announcer V/O: Most of all, he’s Buddy Young,Jr.!

[Buddy sits on a stool as his nearby pianistaccompanies him.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: [sings]If I made you feel bad
If I made you cry
We’re all created equal
By that Guy up in the sky
[speaks, points to a customer]Except for you, sir. You are a perfect example of whathappens when cousins marry. You know what I’m sayin’?Good night, ladies and gentlemen, get out of here!Leave me alone for a little while. You know what I’mtalkin’ about?

[Buddy rises and waves dismissively at the customersas they give him a standing ovation.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Getinsulted this week at the Bowman. Exit 23, New JerseyTurnpike.

Buddy Young, Jr. V/O: I hope you all get a puswart.

[Freeze frame of Buddy as he exits thestage.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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