Buddy Young, Jr. is Back!

Buddy Young, Jr. is Back!

Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Betterget ready! Here comes America’s Kamikaze ofComedy!

[A montage. A sign reads BUDDY YOUNG JR. IS BACK! – Afront page headline in the New York Times reads BUDDYYOUNG IS INSULTING – A New York Post headline readsTIMELY – A black and white publicity photo ofcigar-chomping, middle-aged nightclub comedian BuddyYoung – A sign reads APPEARING NOW – Finally, we cutto film of Buddy on a red-curtained stage, wearing anugly maroon tuxedo, insulting audiencemembers:]

Buddy Young, Jr.: Where you from? New Jersey?What exit? This man’s sitting there in a shirt thatWilliam Bendix died in!

[Rim shot. Nightclub customers crack up withlaughter.]

Announcer V/O: Yes, Buddy Young, Jr. is back!He’s got his act together and is taking it out — oneveryone!

[Buddy harangues a customer with a toupee.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: I’m talkin’ to you, babe.You, in the polyester wig. You know what I’m sayin’?Is that a toupee or do you have a bobcat sitting ontop of your head? Huh? You believe this piece? Look atthis. Go for the extra four bucks. Matter of fact, gobald, babe, okay? Go bald. Better not. [points toanother customer] The Puerto Rican kid’s gonna spraypaint your head.

[Cut to a satisfied customer outside theclub.]

Satisfied Customer: [grins enthusiastically]What a night at the theater!

[Cut back to Buddy on stage.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: What stinks? Somethin’stinks, doesn’t it? Lady? Nice body odor — you smelllike landfill.

[Rim shot. Cut back to the satisfied customer outsidethe club standing next to his wife.]

Satisfied Customer: He called me “a Mexicanpus face.” And said to my wife, “Lovely face, madam.I never saw a tuckus with lipstick before.”

[Cut back to Buddy, on the nightclub floor, workingthe crowd.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. in his comebacktriumph! Audiences can’t get enough!

[In the crowd, Buddy trades friendly slaps andhigh-fives with a middle-aged black man.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: There ya go! [pats black manon shoulder] I’m wild about this guy. My grandfatherOWNED this man! I’ll tell ya– Ah, you’re toomuch!

[Buddy stands with a chubby, frizzy-haired woman wholooks like Marty Allen of the comedy team Allen andRossi.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: This is Marty Allen in drag,this lady, I tell ya. [puts his chin in her hair sothat it looks like he has a beard] Look, I’mLincoln!

[Cut to satisfied customers outside.]

Another Satisfied Customer: [reverently] Hewished me a tumor in my eye and spit in mydrink!

[Cut to Buddy on stage as he puts on a hat and plays acharacter.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. movesaudiences, too! Clown becomes actor with his condensedversion of “Death of a Salesman”!

[Sad piano music accompanies Buddy’s actingperformance.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: [dead serious, to animaginary character] Biff? Biff. Biff, you’rethirty-four years old. [to the nightclub crowd] And hethinks “An Officer and a Gentleman” is a doublefeature! This kid is too wild. That’s it, I tellya–

[Rim shot. Buddy takes off hat, waves itdismissively.]

Announcer V/O: He’s a concerned parent!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Like my kid. My kid isstupid, I tell ya, my kid is a dumb kid. He comeshome, he’s got a lump of dog stuff in his hair and Isay, What the hell is that? He goes, “Pop, I almoststepped in this!” [rim shot] He’s unbelievably dumb.But what we need is Love today! We don’t have Love!You know that! We don’t have Love! My wife — twohours with a bicycle pump to get the hair up likethis.

Announcer: He’s topical!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Phone company drives me nuts.You got trouble with the phone company? Tell me aboutit! The same thing with the life insurance. They don’tknow! They got this mental thing–

Announcer V/O: He’s a feminist!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Especially to you, lady. Yougot enough fat there for two bodies. [rim shot] Let meintroduce a new word to your vocabulary, okay?”Yogurt.” All right? How ’bout these two words, babe?”Sit ups.” Okay, how ’bout this whole sentence? “No, Icouldn’t possibly eat more — marble cake.”

Announcer V/O: Most of all, he’s Buddy Young,Jr.!

[Buddy sits on a stool as his nearby pianistaccompanies him.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: [sings]If I made you feel bad
If I made you cry
We’re all created equal
By that Guy up in the sky
[speaks, points to a customer]Except for you, sir. You are a perfect example of whathappens when cousins marry. You know what I’m sayin’?Good night, ladies and gentlemen, get out of here!Leave me alone for a little while. You know what I’mtalkin’ about?

[Buddy rises and waves dismissively at the customersas they give him a standing ovation.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Getinsulted this week at the Bowman. Exit 23, New JerseyTurnpike.

Buddy Young, Jr. V/O: I hope you all get a puswart.

[Freeze frame of Buddy as he exits thestage.]

Submitted Anonymously

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