George Carlin’s Monologue


George Carlin’s Monologue

…..George Carlin

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, GeorgeCarlin!

[Cheers and applause. George Carlin emerges from theaudience and heads to Home Base. But it’s a videotapeof Carlin’s entrance from the very first episode ofSaturday Night Live in 1975: he wears long hair, abeard and mustache, a T-shirt under a dark suit. Aftera moment, we dissolve to Carlin, live in 1984,standing at Home Base: his hair, beard and mustacheare neatly trimmed – he wears eyeglasses, a casualblue shirt and dark slacks. Cheers and applausecontinue.]

George Carlin: All right, all right, all right.Thank you. Hey. Come on, now. [crowd finally quiets]Let me ask you something. Who was that guy on thetape? … Does anybody know who that was? He sure hada lot o’ hair, I’ll tell ya that. … Yeah, I hosted,uh, the very first Saturday Night Live — nine yearsago — and they told me if I did a real good job,they’d have me back. … So here I am and I’m reallyglad that some people live up to their word.

On that first show, I did a monologue about God. Andbefore the show was over, by one in the morning, uh,we had the Archbishop of New York, Cardinal Cooke, onthe phone, complaining about the monologue. Seems hedidn’t think that God was a suitable subject for amonologue. Okay in a sermon but – NOT in a monologue…. And I didn’t really say anything THAT wrong — Ifelt. I mean, all I said was, it was my feeling thatif – if you look at it real carefully, that maybe -maybe – God isn’t perfect. You know? Just maybe He’snot perfect. I mean, if He created us in His own imageand likeness, how perfect could He be, you know? … Imean, uh, if God created everything, I’d say He has aserious quality control problem. …

And I think it shows up in His work. I mean, if youtake a look at a mountain range — they’re allcrooked, they’re not nicely up in a line … they’reall different sizes, you know. Leaves, the same thing.You can’t find two leaves the same. Even fingerprints.He can’t make two fingerprints the same! He’s got fourand a half billion people to work with — He can’tmake two of ’em the same. …

Now, the reason I’m repeating these things is ’cause Ithought maybe now that I’m back, maybe we could getthe Archbishop on the phone again tonight. … Now,it’s not the same man. Now, it’s, uh, ArchbishopO’Connor. And I’m not sure about his viewing habits. Idon’t know how late he stays up at night. Probably,he’s working on some really tough, serious governmentproblem at this time. … You know? Well, these days,clergyman have to devote so much time to politics thatthey really don’t have any time to think … much less- much less watch TV. [cheers and applause]

But who knows? Now, that the election is over, maybehe’s sittin’ over there with Jerry Falwell, splittin’a pizza … readin’ the Constitution and flippin’ thedial … and, uh, maybe they’ll give us a call. I toldthem in the control room — if we got a call fromArchbishop O’Connor — please, take a number and I’llget back to him, okay? …

And, hey, speaking – speaking of Jerry Falwell, thishas been a strange year. 1984? We started with Orwelland wound up with Falwell? … Huh? I’m not reallysure how this church and state separation stuff isgonna work out. Ah, personally, I’m in favor of theseparation of church and state. My feeling is thateither one of these institutions screws you up badenough on its own. … You put them together and yougot certain death.

So, uh, I would like to begin the show with a prayertonight, if you don’t mind. … Uh, this is a littleprayer dedicated to the separation of church andstate. And I guess if they’re gonna force those kidsto pray in school, they might as well have a niceprayer like this:

Our Father who art in Heaven
And to the Republic for which it stands …
Thy kingdom come,
One nation, indivisible
As it is in Heaven …
Give us this day
As we forgive those
Who so proudly we hail …
Crown Thy good
Into temptation …
But deliver us from
The twilight.
Amen …

[Cheers and applause]

Okay. We’ll be right back.

[Even louder cheers and applause as we pull back anddissolve to a wider shot that includes the crowdbefore fading out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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