Ted’s Book of World Records


Ted’s Book of World Records

Ted…..George Carlin


Announcer: The fastest. The tallest. The hottest. The furthest. Now, all in one book – “Ted’s Book of World Records”.

Ted: Hi, I’m Ted McGinty, and I spent the last fifteen years compiling my book of world records. And the results are astounding.

Announcer: The fastest recorded 100-yard dash.

Ted: 22 seconds flat.

Announcer: The longest bath.

Ted: 31 minutes.

Announcer: Most eggs ever eaten in one sitting.

Ted: Two. I’m not much on breakfast.

Announcer: Greatest height ever attained.

Ted: 5-foot-ten and a quarter.

Announcer: Yes, now you can explore the entire range of human diversity. From Ted’s tallest boss, to his youngest niece. Most rattlesnakes ever milked.

Ted: None!

Announcer: World-Land Speed Record.

Ted: Well, the cop claimed I was doing 80.

Announcer: Witness the bizarre, the inexplicable, the uncanny. Including the only known instance of a woman giving birth.. to Ted! You’ll find out the distance between Ted and each known planet.

Ted: Yes, it’s a fascinating world around me. Won’t you join me as we explore it together?

Announcer: And, if you act now, you’ll get “Ted’s Book of Lists”. Including: Four People Who Owe Ted Money, Eight Famous Historical Figures Whose Name Ted Can’t Pronounce, and the guest list for Ted’s fantasy dinner party..

Ted: Farrah Fawcett, Susan Anton, me, Leonard Nimoy..

Announcer: Ted’s Book of World Records. On sale in bookstores everywhere. Order now, and make some Ted history of your own.

Ted: Greatest Yearly Income, $3,800. Please, help me out, I’m desperate..

SNL Transcripts

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