Ted’s Book of World Records

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Ted’s Book of World Records

Ted…..George Carlin


Announcer: The fastest. The tallest. The hottest. The furthest. Now, all in one book – “Ted’s Book of World Records”.

Ted: Hi, I’m Ted McGinty, and I spent the last fifteen years compiling my book of world records. And the results are astounding.

Announcer: The fastest recorded 100-yard dash.

Ted: 22 seconds flat.

Announcer: The longest bath.

Ted: 31 minutes.

Announcer: Most eggs ever eaten in one sitting.

Ted: Two. I’m not much on breakfast.

Announcer: Greatest height ever attained.

Ted: 5-foot-ten and a quarter.

Announcer: Yes, now you can explore the entire range of human diversity. From Ted’s tallest boss, to his youngest niece. Most rattlesnakes ever milked.

Ted: None!

Announcer: World-Land Speed Record.

Ted: Well, the cop claimed I was doing 80.

Announcer: Witness the bizarre, the inexplicable, the uncanny. Including the only known instance of a woman giving birth.. to Ted! You’ll find out the distance between Ted and each known planet.

Ted: Yes, it’s a fascinating world around me. Won’t you join me as we explore it together?

Announcer: And, if you act now, you’ll get “Ted’s Book of Lists”. Including: Four People Who Owe Ted Money, Eight Famous Historical Figures Whose Name Ted Can’t Pronounce, and the guest list for Ted’s fantasy dinner party..

Ted: Farrah Fawcett, Susan Anton, me, Leonard Nimoy..

Announcer: Ted’s Book of World Records. On sale in bookstores everywhere. Order now, and make some Ted history of your own.

Ted: Greatest Yearly Income, $3,800. Please, help me out, I’m desperate..

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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