Willie and Frankie


Willie and Frankie

Frankie … Christopher Guest
Willie … Billy Crystal

[Hallway in an office building at night. Uniformedsecurity guards Willie and Frankie — two workingclass nebbishes with thick New York accents — carryflashlights and walk down the hall testing the knobson the locked office doors.]

Frankie: Hey, Willie.

Willie: Hi, Frankie.

Frankie: How’s the west wing?

Willie: All secure.

Frankie: That’s good.

Willie: You know somethin’, Frank?

Frankie: What?

Willie: I – I – I don’t like bein’ a nightwatchman. There – there’s nobody here.

Frankie: It means we’re doin’ our job, Willie.And doin’ it well.

Willie: Yeah, but I – I – I – I – I liked itbetter when we – when we was messengers, I mean, andthen I – I was out – I was meetin’ people.

Frankie: Like that woman over at Scheidelman’sSuits, right?

Willie: [reluctantly] I dropped her. Yeah, shewas all over me. All over me, she was. I – I – I needroom to breathe.

Frankie: I know, Willie. The stallion needs torun. [Willie nods solemnly in agreement] And runfree.

Willie: [rubs his shoulder in pain] Shoo,boy.

Frankie: What’s the matter?

Willie: Eh, my shoulder hurts. You know – youknow that narrow hallway in the boiler room? The onewith the, uh–?

Frankie: Exposed bolts comin’ out o’ thewall?

Willie: Yeah. Well, every time I walk past it,the bolts dig right into my shoulder. I– It’s verypainful.

Frankie: Boy. You wanna talk about some pain? Ibought one o’ them linoleum knives the other day, youknow?

Willie: With the double edge?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: Yeah?

Frankie: So, I go home, you know, and I spreadmy toes apart and I just start sawing, back and forthand back and forth, you know?

Willie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: And I take a little thing o’ Tobascosauce, you know?

Willie: Yeah.

Frankie: And just dump it on there. Talk abouta hotfoot, mister! Boy, that was rough.

Willie: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know,the other day, I took one o’ them, uh–?

Frankie: Meat thermometers?

Willie: Yeah! And I just shoved it into my ear,you know? As far as it could go, you know? But then Itook one o’ them, uh–?

Frankie: Ball-peen hammers?

Willie: Right. And just whacked it a few timesright in there, you know.

Frankie: Boy, that must smart.

Willie: I know! I HATE when THAThappens.

Frankie: You know what I hate?

Willie: What?

Frankie: I go into the kitchen, I open thedrawer, you know?

Willie: Uh huh?

Frankie: And I take out a, uh–

Willie: Carrot scraper?

Frankie: Right. And I stick it up my nose, youknow, and I’m rootin’ it around, and, you know,gettin’ all the mucus membranes out o’ there, youknow? And then I take one o’ them, uh–?

Willie: Mentholated eucalyptus coughdrops?

Frankie: Right. And I stick it– wedge it upthere, you know? I take a couple o’ whiffs, boy. Heh,ya feel like your head’s gonna explode.

Willie: Boy, isn’t THAT the truth? It’s likethe other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’mousetraps, ya know?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of,uh–

Frankie: Camembert?

Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right?A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work,right? So I got the Camembert in there.

Frankie: Right.

Willie: But every time I went to taste thecheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! …I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – Icouldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.

Frankie: Boy, you know what I hate? I hate– Igot a gross o’ them, uh–?

Willie: Razor blades?

Frankie: No.

Willie: Fish hooks?

Frankie: No.

Willie: Ah?

Frankie: Thumb tacks.

Willie: Ah! Yeah.

Frankie: Right?

Willie: Yeah.

Frankie: So I bring ’em home, you know, and Isprinkle ’em all out over the floor, you know?

Willie: Points up?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: Uh huh.

Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and Ijust ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?Stickin’ in all over my body. Then I jump in a hot tuband just soak.

Willie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: Hate that.

Willie: Sounds very painful.

Frankie: Very painful.

Willie: [heavy sigh] Boy. So what’re ya gonnado now?

Frankie: Eh, I’m gonna check fifteen.

Willie: Yeah. I’m gonna check nine.

Frankie: Okay.

[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as theygo. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendlypat on the shoulder.]

Frankie: Good night, Willie!

[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit inopposite directions around the corners at the far endof the hallway. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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