Willie and Frankie
Frankie … Christopher Guest
Willie … Billy Crystal
[Hallway in an office building at night. Uniformedsecurity guards Willie and Frankie — two workingclass nebbishes with thick New York accents — carryflashlights and walk down the hall testing the knobson the locked office doors.]
Frankie: Hey, Willie.
Willie: Hi, Frankie.
Frankie: How’s the west wing?
Willie: All secure.
Frankie: That’s good.
Willie: You know somethin’, Frank?
Frankie: What?
Willie: I – I – I don’t like bein’ a nightwatchman. There – there’s nobody here.
Frankie: It means we’re doin’ our job, Willie.And doin’ it well.
Willie: Yeah, but I – I – I – I – I liked itbetter when we – when we was messengers, I mean, andthen I – I was out – I was meetin’ people.
Frankie: Like that woman over at Scheidelman’sSuits, right?
Willie: [reluctantly] I dropped her. Yeah, shewas all over me. All over me, she was. I – I – I needroom to breathe.
Frankie: I know, Willie. The stallion needs torun. [Willie nods solemnly in agreement] And runfree.
Willie: [rubs his shoulder in pain] Shoo,boy.
Frankie: What’s the matter?
Willie: Eh, my shoulder hurts. You know – youknow that narrow hallway in the boiler room? The onewith the, uh–?
Frankie: Exposed bolts comin’ out o’ thewall?
Willie: Yeah. Well, every time I walk past it,the bolts dig right into my shoulder. I– It’s verypainful.
Frankie: Boy. You wanna talk about some pain? Ibought one o’ them linoleum knives the other day, youknow?
Willie: With the double edge?
Frankie: Right.
Willie: Yeah?
Frankie: So, I go home, you know, and I spreadmy toes apart and I just start sawing, back and forthand back and forth, you know?
Willie: Mm hmm.
Frankie: And I take a little thing o’ Tobascosauce, you know?
Willie: Yeah.
Frankie: And just dump it on there. Talk abouta hotfoot, mister! Boy, that was rough.
Willie: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know,the other day, I took one o’ them, uh–?
Frankie: Meat thermometers?
Willie: Yeah! And I just shoved it into my ear,you know? As far as it could go, you know? But then Itook one o’ them, uh–?
Frankie: Ball-peen hammers?
Willie: Right. And just whacked it a few timesright in there, you know.
Frankie: Boy, that must smart.
Willie: I know! I HATE when THAThappens.
Frankie: You know what I hate?
Willie: What?
Frankie: I go into the kitchen, I open thedrawer, you know?
Willie: Uh huh?
Frankie: And I take out a, uh–
Willie: Carrot scraper?
Frankie: Right. And I stick it up my nose, youknow, and I’m rootin’ it around, and, you know,gettin’ all the mucus membranes out o’ there, youknow? And then I take one o’ them, uh–?
Willie: Mentholated eucalyptus coughdrops?
Frankie: Right. And I stick it– wedge it upthere, you know? I take a couple o’ whiffs, boy. Heh,ya feel like your head’s gonna explode.
Willie: Boy, isn’t THAT the truth? It’s likethe other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’mousetraps, ya know?
Frankie: Right.
Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of,uh–
Frankie: Camembert?
Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right?A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work,right? So I got the Camembert in there.
Frankie: Right.
Willie: But every time I went to taste thecheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! …I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – Icouldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.
Frankie: Boy, you know what I hate? I hate– Igot a gross o’ them, uh–?
Willie: Razor blades?
Frankie: No.
Willie: Fish hooks?
Frankie: No.
Willie: Ah?
Frankie: Thumb tacks.
Willie: Ah! Yeah.
Frankie: Right?
Willie: Yeah.
Frankie: So I bring ’em home, you know, and Isprinkle ’em all out over the floor, you know?
Willie: Points up?
Frankie: Right.
Willie: Uh huh.
Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and Ijust ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?Stickin’ in all over my body. Then I jump in a hot tuband just soak.
Willie: Mm hmm.
Frankie: Hate that.
Willie: Sounds very painful.
Frankie: Very painful.
Willie: [heavy sigh] Boy. So what’re ya gonnado now?
Frankie: Eh, I’m gonna check fifteen.
Willie: Yeah. I’m gonna check nine.
Frankie: Okay.
[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as theygo. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendlypat on the shoulder.]Frankie: Good night, Willie!
[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit inopposite directions around the corners at the far endof the hallway. Fade out.]Submitted Anonymously
