Lou Grant Rescue Mission


Lou Grant Rescue Mission

Lou Grant…..Ed Asner
Mercenary #1…..Rich Hall
Mercenary #2…..Jim Belushi
Georgette Baxter…..Pamela Stephenson
Mary Richards…..Mary Gross
Ted Baxter…..Billy Crystal
Rhoda Morgenstern…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Murray Slaughter…..Christopher Guest
Mercenary #3…..Gary Kroeger

[ open on a secret meeting in Lou Grant’s basement, three mercenaries sit around a table in the dark ]

Lou Grant: Alright, listen up. This mission is dangerous. Very dangerous. Some of us won’t be coming back.

Mercenary #1: Which ones?

Lou Grant: What?

Mercenary #1: Which of us won’t be coming back?

Lou Grant: I don’t know.

Mercenary #1: Me?

Lou Grant: I don’t know! Now.. [ lowers picture of Mary Richards ] ..here’s our objective.

Mercenary #2: It’s the girl from the television show!

Lou Grant: That’s right – it’s my pal, Mary Richards in Minneapolis. She’s been stuck there for seven year in syndicated reruns. That’s why I hired you guys – the best mercenaries in the business. We’re gonna go back there, and we’re gonna get her out!

Mercenary #1: Is it true what they say about her?

Lou Grant: What?

Mercenary #1: She can turen the world on with her smile.

Lou Grant: [ sentimental ] Yeah.. yeah, she could..

Mercenary #2: And could she really take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Lou Grant: No, of course not! Don’t be stupid! Alright, now here’s our objective.. [ drops blueprint on the table ] ..her apartment. Here’s her kitchen.. there’s the couch.. here’s the cute wooden letter “M” on the wall. She’s having a party tonight – now, I want you to cover the balcony, cover that area up there..

[ dissolve to Mary Richard’s second apartment, where she’s throwing a party for Ted Baxter ]

Georgette Baxter: Gosh, Mary, it’s so nice of you to throw this fundraising party for Ted’s campaign for the City Council, even though your party’s they were always so awful.

Mary Richards: Georgette.. my last party wasn’t awful. In fact, I thought it was really, you know, a really, very, kind of.. really not awful!

Ted Baxter: Mary, want to hear my new campaign slogan?

Mary Richards: Yes.

Ted Baxter: Here it is – “Vote For Ted, Get A New Car.”

Mary Richards: Ted, you can’t say that! What if you win?

Ted Baxter: Oh, yeah.. Damn!

Rhoda Morgenstern: [ in the kitchen, eating ] Gee, nice spread, Mare – potato chips and onion dip. I’ll name the pimple after you.

[ Mary brings a drink to Murray ]

Mary Richards: Murr?

Murray Slaughter: Mary, how could you give a fundraising dinner for Ted to run for public office?

Mary Richards: Oh, Murr, this is America! Everyone deserves a chance, even Ted!

Murray Slaughter: No, Maty you’re wrong. As I remember, Ted’s name isn’t even in the Constitution of the United States, it’s completely eliminated.

Mary Richards: Ah!

[ the Mercenaries and Lou Grant quickly swarm the apartment ]

Lou Grant: [ brandishing gun ] Alright! Nobody make a move, or we’re gonna blast your eyes out! Hi, Mary.

Mary Richards: [ excited ] Mr. Gra-a-a-ant! What are you doing here?

Lou Grant: I’ve come to get you out! The copter’s on the roof, let’s go!

Mary Richards: Get me out? Why?

Mercenary #2: Lou! Let’s go! The cops’ll be here any minute!

Lou Grant: Mary, you’ve been stuck here for seven years in syndicated reruns, doing the same things over and over and over. You’ve been promoted to Producer, you met Walter Cronkite, you went to the Teddy Awards, you went to Chuckles the Clown’s funeral – not once, but hundreds of times! Two, three, four times a night, in some cities! You’re in a rut! There’s a big, wonderful world out there, and you’ve missed it! I mean, you msised M-Tv, you missed Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, you missed “The New Odd Couple” show. And, all of you would like it out there! Murray, you know what they have now? Hair weaving. Rhoda! Your mother’s making a fortune out there, selling Bounty paper towels!

Mercenary #2: Lou! Come on, let’s get out of here! The cops are downstairs!

Lou Grant: Alright, let’s go, Mary!

Mary Richards: I.. can’t.. go with you, Mr. Grant..

Lou Grant: What?

Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I like being here.. everyone’s nice to me here, I have friends who care about me, I never gain weight, get old.. I like my life in reruns, Mr. Grant. I’m.. happy. Goodbye, Mr. Grant. [ gives Lou a big hug ]

Lou Grant: I’m not a hugger.. [ pause ] Ohhh.. [ hugs Mary ] Alright, let’s put her up!

Mercenary #3: [ hugging on Rhoda ] Uh, Lou? I’m staying. This place is kind of neat.. I like this Jew girl.

Ted Baxter: Lou..? Lou..? [ sobbing ] Take me with you, Lou!! Oh, Lou-ou!! Take me with you, please!!

Mercenary #2: Want me to shoot him, Lou?

Lou Grant: No. [ points his gun at Ted ] You owe me one, Ted!

Ted Baxter: Thanks, Lou.

Ted Baxter: Let’s go! [ runs out ]

Mercenary #2: Alright, ocme on, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! [ runs out ]

Ted Baxter: This party stinks, Mary!

Mary Richards: I know, I know..

Ted Baxter: I know how to liven it up, though. Look out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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