Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest


Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

…..Christopher Guest
…..Rich Hall
…..Gary Kroeger
Nathan Thurm…..Martin Short

Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with anchorperson Christopher Guest.

Christopher Guest: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Our top story tonight: John Gavin says that the President is not “gaga”. He said President Reagan is sometimes portrayed by the media as gaga, but is actually mentally alert and capable of dealing with complex issues. “You read in the press that he is gaga, but he’s demonstrated a keen grasp of arcane and complicated issues.” Gaga? We looked it up. “Gaga”, in the dictionary: gaga, from the French “gaga”. Fool. Doddard. Mentally foolish. Crazy. Doting. Used in an Aldous Huxley quote: “Slowly becoming gaga, becoming a senile imbecile.” It’s only right that John Gavin should defend the president against these accusations. John Gavin, by the way, is the movie actor who appeared in “Four Girls In Town” and “Tammy, Tell Me True,” and is now the United States Ambassador to the Republic of Mexico, having been appointed by fellow actor Ronald Reagan, who appeared in “Cowboy In Brooklyn” and “Brother Rat & The Baby”.

Christopher Guest: Here with some home economy tips, is our Consumer Affairs expert Rich Hall.

Rich Hall: Thank you, Chris. You know, far too often we hear the phrase, “There’s no such thing as a free sample.” Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is negative thinking. I’ve spent a god deal of time recently, combing supermarkets and shopping malls and places like that for.. free stuff. Stuff that doesn’t cost absolutely one penny. Things that you cna use for home improving, decorating, entertaining guests..

For instance, next time you visit the supermarket, pick up a roll of these visible hand puppets. [ holds up a produce bag ] It’s fun and entertaining for the kids, and the youngsters get a valuable look at the physiological and skeletal makeup of a hand puppet.

Anybody’s that ever painted their house, they know how expensive it is. So, next time you visit the hardware store, just grab about 8 or 9,000 of these. [ holds up a handful of paint sample strips ] And staple them to the side of your house. I figure eight or nine trips to the hardware store, you could have enough to cover the entire three-bedroom house.

Now, if you’re driving home, you may want to stop by the drive-in bank, and make a handy addition to your home dinner glass collection. [ holds up the deposit tube, banging it on the desk ] Sturdy, but durable.

And, if you visit a shoe store, did you know that these things are free? [ holds up the foot measurer ] It’s true. It makes a great cookie serving device there for parties, for snacks, you know exactly how many have been eaten.. you can figure out square roots on this thing, somehow.. and, if you have roaches at home, this makes a great football field for them!

So, just a few items to keep in mind when you’re looking for free stuff that exists in the universe. Just trying to help, I’m Rich Hall. [ hands Christopher the foot measurer ]

Christopher Guest: [ plays with the foot measurer for a moment, then remembers the camera ] Thank you, Rich.

These are this week’s headlines from Washington: Sen. Bob Dole was elected Senate Majority Leader; TV newsman Bernard Kalb is the new spokesman for the United States State Department; President and Mrs. Reagan have broken the record for the most helicopter trips to Camp David in one administration – 185 trips. The least number of trips was zero, made during the administration of Thomas Jefferson.

Christopher Guest: After the automobile, the next biggest killer of teenagers is suicide. Here, with a commwnt, is SNL News correspondent Gary Kroeger.

Gary Kroeger: Thank you, Chris. I’d like to address myself directly to the teenage audience that I know is out there. Listen to me: I was a teenager myself, once.. in fact, it was just a couple years ago. And I know how difficult it is to cope with the pressures of growing up. I mean, I was 20 before I landed my first part on a network television program. But I made it through that despairing tunnel of teendom, and I’ll tell you why – I’ve always kept a list of reasons to live. And I’d like to share them now with any teenager who might be listening, and might be a little discouraged with the big “L”.

Here are my reasons to live:

* This is Reagan’s last term – now, that should be encouraging.
* No substitute for sex will be invented in your lifetime.
* Brighma Young will finally have to play a team better than Bodiddly Tech.
* A friend of mine at Paramount says that in “Rocky IV”, Rocky dies.
* Someday, everything will be legal.
* The world will end soon, anyway.
* You can’t have root canal work more than 32 times.
* Liza Manelli has promised to never do another nude scene.
* Nobody can make you go to a Steve Wynn Hotel.
* And, finally, Ringo Starr is hosting next week’s “Saturday Night Live”.

After that, however, you’re on your own. Thanks! Back to you, Chris.

Christopher Guest: Thanks very much, Gary. you’ve given me.. something.

This week saw the second implantation of a Jarvik articificial heart, and the FDA approval of the Cochlear artificial ear. These are but two of the ever-increasing array of artificial limbs and organs that are currently being manufactured in this country and abroad. Not all of them gained FDA approval. Tonight, we go by satellite to Morgantown, West Virginia, to speak with Nathan Thurm, a lawyer representing the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company. They’ve become a leading manufacture of spare human parts, but without the approval of the FDA.

Welcome to NSL.. or, SNL News, Mr. Thurm. Take your pick. Apparently, the Federal Drug Administration does not cotton to a barber & beauty supply House getting involved in sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: [ defensively smokes on a cigarette with a long ash ] Is that what they say, or is that what you say? If that’s what they say, I have no comment. If that’s what you say, then I have no comment.

Christopher Guest: Then, you have no comment?

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Did I say that? I didn’t say that! I think that’s so funny that you think I said that! I didn’t say that!

Christopher Guest: Isn’t it true, that up until fairly recently, the only thing that Trammel manufactured were barber supplies?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Trammel does manufacture barber supplies! I never said they didn’t!

Christopher Guest: But, sir.. is it not quite a leap from hairdryers, say, to artificial livers?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Have you ever seen the inside of a liver?

Christopher Guest: No.

Nathan Thurm: Or the inside of a hairdryer?

Christopher Guest: Well, surely there’s a vast difference between the insides of organs and hairdryers.

Nathan Thurm: Why do you think I wouldn’t know that! I know that!

Christopher Guest: The point is, sir, that the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company is neither capable nor qualified to produce sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: Tell that to a person who desperately needs one of our products!

Christopher Guest: But there is an FDA investigation..

Nathan Thurm: The FDA should investigate you! Or SNL News! I don’t think you’re qualified to spread the lies that you put forth every week!

Christopher Guest: Well, that’s not the point..

Nathan Thurm: Well, then, what is the point? I don’t see the point of any of this!

Christopher Guest: Well, the point is that.. the point is that your client, who heretofore only made rat-tail combs, lather dispensers and curling irons, has jumped willy-nilly into the manufacture of substandard artificial organs!

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Substandard to what? Who sets the standard?

Christopher Guest: The FDA.

Nathan Thurm: What od they know about hot combs?

Christopher Guest: Well, I can see that we’re getting nowhere. Thank you being here with us tonight, Mr. Thurm, and good luck with the grand jury.

Nathan Thurm: Grand jury? What grand jury..?

Christopher Guest: Sorry, Mr. Thurm, our time is up. Thank you very much.

That’s the news for now. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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