Strictly From Blackwell
Mr. Blackwell…..Harry Shearer
Eric de Monet…..Gary Kroeger
Rajeev Vindaloo…..Christopher Guest
Welcome to “Strictly From Blackwell”, hosted by fashion expert, Mr.Blackwell. He introduces his guests, topless Chippendales dancer Eric de Monet, and wine expert Rajeev Vindaloo:
Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev is one of the top experts in the world today on the subject of wine. And I believe you brought your book with you today, which I believe is called.. what?
Rajeev: It’s called Send It Back.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, good. Now, is.. is the idea here that we don’t know enough about wine to know whether or not to send it back, or that it’s a good idea to send it back, whether or not the wine is good?
Rajeev: Well, basically, the premise of my book is that the people who run these restaurants, you see, is that they just dress up in a tuxedo for the night, you see. They know nothing more than you, you see, nothing more. And so, if the wine steward, you see, is being rude to you, and you do not like his attitude, you just send him, send it back, you know?
[ Rajeev now plans to sample some various wines for Mr. Blackwell ]
Rajeev: The first one is a Midvale Abbey Melois, ’82..
Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now, when wine people sniff the glass before they taste the wine, many people wonder why this is.
Rajeev: Well, you see, Mr. Blackwell, they’re not sniffing the glass, you see. They’re sniffing the bouquet of the wine, you see? A wine lover’s way of describing the bouquet is the odor emitted from the wine, you see.
Mr. Blackwell: Good. Now, how would you describe this wine right here?
Rajeev: Well, you see, this is a wine I would not even drink. And there’s a tip-off, you see: it has no cork. It has a screw-off cap, you see. And my suggestion is, you know, if you do buy this, is if you have a sink at home that has hair in it.. [ Mr. Blackwell starts to laugh ] ..you know, you pour it in, and maybe it will unclog it, or something like that..
Mr. Blackwell: Okay! I think you’re being a little rough on the wine, ha ha ha ha!!
Rajeev: Okay, our second wine, is this one, you see. And, again, you know, we’re in trouble, you see, because the label here has dogs on it playing poker.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, but in fairness, so many wine labels these days do have pictures. What would be a good picture? Let’s deal with a positive. What would be a good picture? Grapes? A picture of grapes?
Rajeev: No, no. Grapes, you see, is self-explanatory. That’s like saying, you know.. uh, seeing a picture of a banana on a banana. I know what this is, don’t show me this, you know?
Mr. Blackwell: Okay..
Rajeev: We have one left. And we’re on a good start, you see,because it has a cork, and it has a very attractive label, and so what we do now is let the wine breathe a little bit, you see?
Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now. Interesting. Does wine actually breathe? Because I know that silk breathes. Cotton breathes. Certain very fine polyblends will breathe slightly..
Rajeev: Yes, yes, it does.. [ Rajeev sniffs the wine ] This is a mischievious wine. If this wine were a child, I would slap it on the hand and I would send it to bed. You know what I would say? I would say, “You mean wine. You go away from me!” That’s what I would say.
Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev.. [ he laughs ] ..you are a stern taskmaster – I can speak from personal experience. Okay, the name of the book is Send It Back, and it’s in bookstores, wine stores, where would we find this? Would this be in fine stores..?
Rajeev: Fine stores everywhere, yes. And, if you have any questions in your mind, just Send It Back.
Mr. Blackwell: Send It Back. Okay, that’s good advice.Although, if I were a woman, I must be fair. I think that might be the kind of wine I’d like to drink, I don’t know. Have you met Eric de Monet over here?
Rajeev: No. But I have been admiring.. his bow tie.
Mr. Blackwell: [ laughing ] It is interesting. We have just seen him sitting over here, looking like a little statue, and we must find out what he is about, the whole Chippendale’s line of fragrances.. for men.. Eric, we are out of time. I wish we had two hours, or three cameras, or something. But you must come back..
Eric: I’d love to!
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, and we will find out whether this is all you..
Eric: No.. I’m wearing a bodystocking.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, wonderful. [ laughs ] Until then, “Strictly From Blackwell”, we must vanish. Thank you, bye bye.