Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 9
Alfred Jenkins….Christopher Guest
Bishop Desmond Tutu….Eddie Murphy
Doug Flutie….Rich Hall
[Opens with kind of heroic music theme. On ablackboard the title MILESTONES. The host is in hisbusiness suit sitting in the middle]
Alfred Jenkins: Good evening. I’m Alfred Jenkins andwelcome to “Milestones”, the show that recognizesgreatness. Tonight we have 2 guests who have achievedgreatness in their respective fields. To my left is aman who has been described as the unifying leader inthe fight against South African apartheid and achampion of basic human rights throughout the world.Winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize, Bishop Desmond Tutu.[Bespectacled Bishop Tutu, gray head of hair, blacksuit, a medal hangs from his neck.] [Caption: Bishop Desmond Tutu. 1984 Nobel Prize Winner]
Alfred Jenkins: To my right, Heisman Trophy winnerDoug Flutie of Boston College.[Caption: Doug Flutie Heisman Trophy Winner]
Alfred Jenkins: Welcome, gentlemen. Bishop Tutu, firstof all, I wanted to say how shocked and distressed Iwas that even as you were being presented thisvenerable symbol of peace, a bomb threat was taking place.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, in my estimation, the bombthreat represents the sheer desperation of thoseopposed to basic human principles of freedom and justice.[Alfred turns to Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: So, Doug. Speaking of bombs, that passagainst Miami…if there was ever a doubt in anyone’smind that you deserve this trophy—[picks Heismantrophy up]have you seen this Bishop?[gives it to Tutu]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Yes, I was admiring it. It isvery nice. Very imppresive indeed, I like this.[Alfred turns to Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: What was going through your mind whenyou floated that pass?
Doug Flutie: Well, basically Alfred, we call it “theHail Mary pass” You just close your eyes[Doug closeshis eyes]and say “Hail Mary, please let thisball[Bishop Tutu drops the Heisman Trophy]land in thewide receiver’s hands. Please, you humble servant,Doug Flutie…Amen”[Bishop Tutu holds the HeismanTrophy and the severed arm of the footbal player onthe trophy up] And that was it. Basically. A littlebit of good timing and a little bit of luck.[Alfred notices the broken trophy and tries as best hecan to distract Doug from his now broken trophy]
Alfred Jenkins: Huh? Luck? So, why don’t we watch theplay on the monitor over here? Why don’t you just turnyour chair and tell us what we’re going to see, ok?[Alfred turns Doug’s chair away from Tutu and facing atv screen. Doug’s famous play is playing on the tv screen]
Doug Flutie: Ah, well basically this is the “splitright 3” or “keyhole” formation….[keeps explaining]
Alfred Jenkins: “Keyhole”? Right.[turns to Bishop Tutumad as hell, keeping the conversation away fom Doug’s ears] What is the matter with you?
Bishop Demaond Tutu: The thing just dropped down.
Alfred Jenkins: What did you drop it for?!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It was a mistake! I didn’t mean to drop it!
Alfred Jenkins: Don’t make that mistake anymore.
Doug Flutie:….really let the thing fly. And luckily,the wide receiver….[Alfred turns back to Bishop Tutu]
Alfred Jenkins: How are you going to fix it?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me don’t know how to fix the thing!
Alfred Jenkins: Ok, we do this, ok?[takes out piece of gum, puts it in his mouth, chews]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I’m a bishop, not a welder.
Alfred Jenkins: This is how we fix it, ok?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Tell him: “Doug Flutie, the thing broke.”
Alfred Jenkins: Here.[gives Tutu the chewed piece of gum] Stick this on.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stick the gum on? Put it under here.
Alfred Jenkins: You stick it on and fix it.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put it on there.
Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining, oblivious] Here it isagain. What I wanted to do was to go back and reallylet loose with one….
Alfred Jenkins: Right, I can seen why.
Doug Flutie:….many times before.
Alfred Jenkins: Right. What a play. And need I remindthe viewers[takes Heisman from Tutu, holds it in hislap, Chris cracks up a little bit]that this cementedyour hold on—[mangled Heisman Trophy with badlyattached arm, Doug looks at it worried. Alfred givesHeisman back to Bishop Tutu] Doug, why don’t we watchthat again? You know, let’s see that again in slowmotion.[Alfred turns Doug chair around again towardsthe tv screen]You just whip around here.
Doug Flutie: I think I clearly indicated before, itwas a “split-right 3”,what we call a “flood tip” formation.
Alfred Jenkins: Uhu, uhu, right.[turns to BishopTutu]What are you doing?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me tried to fix the thing. It break off!
Alfred Jenkins:[panicked]Do it quickly, ok?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me try the best I can! It don’twant to stick back on.
Alfred Jenkins: You’re not doing this fast enough.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: What am I supposed to do now?
Alfred Jenkins: Fix it. That’s all I’m asking you.You’re not supposed to break it.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I didn’t break it on purpose!
Alfred Jenkins: What about that stuff in your hair? What is that?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: That’s a “Carefree Curl”. That’snot gonna make it stick on. It would just make it curlier.
Alfred Jenkins: Just fix it, all right![Bishop Tutu takes his medal off, throws it on thetable in front of him, takes the ribbon and attachesthe Trophy’s arm with the blus ribbon]
Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining]I’m just back and I’mgonna…I’m gonna unleash the thing….
Alfred Jenkins: Right.
Doug Flutie: That’s it, basically.
Alfred Jenkins: Well, that is a spectacular piece ofstrategy and fully deserving of this–[Heisman Trophywrapped with a blue ribbon holds the arm in place.Doug picks his Heisman Trophy]
Doug Flutie: What’s this?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh, it is an armband. A unifyingsymbol of our commitment to fighting racism all over the world.
Doug Flutie: Right. Well, that’s nice Tutu. But Ireally don’t think that I can take your only ribbon there.[Doug starts taking the ribbon off, Alfred quicklytakes the Heisman Trophy from Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: Tutu, did you notice this? How hisname is engraved on there?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh! Isn’t that nice?
Alfred Jenkins: Isn’t that something else?[to Doug]Speaking of something else, the pass that you threw, Imean talk about…why don’t we look at it againbecause it is such an amazing play.
Doug Flutie: No. No! We’re not gonna look at the playagain. I’ve been on 200 talk shows now, and I’ve hadto talk this play for 200…[Bishop Tutu leaves withthe trophy]I’m sick of it, frankly. It was a luckyplay, that’s all. Had nothing to do with….my eyeswere closed, you know? It was a fluke. That was it.[Bishop Tutu is hunched down and a man is welding theHeisman Trophy, blowtorch buzzes, sparks]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put the thing there. Hold it over.
Doug Flutie: Now for the rest of my life, what’s goingto happen? That was my moment in the sun.[Bishop Tutu keeps working the Trophy]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hurry, now!
Doug Flutie: My moment in the sun was not even my moment…
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The thing not taking now!
Doug Flutie: Who’s gonna hire me? I’m 5’9″. Who’sgonna draft me? If I’m lucky I’ll get a beercommercial out of this. An off brand or something.[Tutu sits back down, fake smile on his face]
Doug Flutie: No…my entire life, I’ll be sittingaround is a trailer park somewhere, people will say:”Come on Dougie, let’s see the film again! Show itagain, Dougie!” Can’t you see how one play has ruined my entire life?[Alfred tries to cheer him up]
Alfred Jenkins: Well, one play that’s guaranteed youthis, the Heis—[the trophy is a melted, mangled ballof steel now, Alfred gives it to Doug]Heisman Trophy.Thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. Tutu, if youwin anything else, come back, ok?
Doug Flutie:[shocked,confused]What is this?
Alfred Jenkins: Thanks for watching “Milestones”.
Doug Flutie: What is this?[ show’s music theme plays]
Alfred Jenkins: It’s the—ummm, I don’t know what you call this….
Caption: Milestones[fade] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel