White Like Eddie
[ enters Make Up Room ]
Eddie Murphy: You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice. And some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas: one black and one white. But talk is cheap. So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand. To go underground and actually experience America.. as a white man.
Eddie Murphy Voiceover: I hired the best make-up people in the business. If I was gonna pass as a white man, everything had to be perfect.[ make-up is placed on Eddie’s face ]
Eddie Murphy: Hmm, I think that’s a little light.
Make-up Artist: Okay, let’s try this. [ applies fake white moustache on Eddie’s lips ]
Eddie Murphy: That’s, uh.. I look kind of Harry Reemsish.
Make-up Artist: Mmm, I like it.
Eddie Murphy: I studied for my role very carefully. I watched lots of “Dynasty”.[ show Eddie watching TV ]
Eddie Murphy: See? See how they walk? Their butts are real tight when they walk. They keep their butts tight. I’ve gotta remember to keep my butt real tight when I walk.
Eddie Murphy Voiceover: And, I read a whole bunch of Hallmark Cards.[ show Eddie reading greeting cards ]
Eddie Murphy: “For my lovely wife.” That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Go ahead. “You always mean lots more to me than you could ever guess. For you have done so much to fill my life with happiness.”
Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Finally, I was ready.[ Eddie walks onto the street, the perfect portrait of a white man. He enters a convenience store, grabs a newspaper and drops it on the counter. ]
Clerk: What are you doing?
Eddie Murphy: I’m buying this newspaper.
Clerk: That’s all right. There’s nobody around. Go ahead, take it. Take it. [ Eddie gives him a quizzical look ] Go ahead, take it. Yeah. Take it. Take it.[ Eddie takes the newspaper, and cautiously exits ]
Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Slowly, I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free.
[ cut to Eddie catching a bus. He sits down between two white women. ]
Eddie Murphy Voiceover: There was only one other black man on the bus. He got off on 45th Street. [ the busdriver looks around the bus carefully, then sets a party in motion, complete with music and cigarette girls ] The problem was much more serious than I’d ever imagined.[ cut to Eddie at a bank, talking to a black Loan Officer, discussing budgeting and other money matters ]
Loan Officer: Now, let me get this straight, Mr., ..uh.. Mr. White. You’d like to borrow $50,000 from our bank, but you have no collateral, you have no credit. You don’t even have any I.D. Is that correct?
Eddie Murphy: That’s right.
Loan Officer: Mr. White, I’m sorry. This is not a charity. This is a business…
White Loan Officer: Uh, Harry, why don’t you, uh, take your break now? I’ll take care of.. uh.. Mr. White.
Loan Officer: Well.. okay. Thanks, Bob. [ exits ]
White Loan Officer: [ laughs, then sits ] That was a close one, wasn’t it?
Eddie Murphy: It certainly was.
White Loan Officer: We don’t have to bother with these formalities, do we, Mr. White? Huh?
Eddie Murphy: What a silly Negro!
White Loan Officer: Just take what you want, Mr. White. Pay us back anytime. Or don’t. We don’t care.
Eddie Murphy: Tell me, do you know of any other banks like this in this area?[ cut to Eddie back at the Make-up Room ]
Eddie Murphy: So, what did I learn from all of this? Well, I learned that we still have a very long way to go in this country before all men are truly equal. But I’ll tell you something. [ pan to reveal Eddie’s black buddies applying white make-up to their faces ] I’ve got a lot of friends, and we’ve got a lot of makeup. So, the next time you’re huggin’ up with some really super, groovy white guy, or you met a really great, super keen white chick, don’t be too sure. They might be black.[ fade to black ]