SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Donahue Green Room


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Donahue Green Room

Fernando…..Billy Crystal
Nazi…..Gary Kroeger
Bernard Goetz…..Rich Hall

[ open on Fernando standing outside the Donahue Green Room ]

Fernando: Saludos, my friends! Hello, it is I, Fernando. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you, darlings, thank you. We have got a special treat for some of you, and you know who you are. As you know, my friends, Phil Donahue – you know who Phil Donahue is, another talk show host with the grey hair, but he does not look as mahvelous,/i> as me. Mr. Donahue began broadcasting his television show from New York this week. So, you know what I thought, since I love you all very much, and you know who you are. I thought we’d go into Phil’s Green Room, look around, maybe catch a peek of ol’ Snowy Top himself. Okay? So, let’s go – let’s mingle!

[ Fernando enters the Green Room, where he immediately spots two midget transvestites and a Nazi ]

Fernando: I tell you, my friends, this is exciting – two midget transvestites and a Nazi! I tell you, this is going to be some Phil Donahue show, I’ll tell you that right now! [ He sits next to the two midget transvestites ] May I? [ chuckles ] Hello, my little darlings.

Midget Transvestite #1: Hi.

Fernando: Let me get something.. straight. Okay? You are.. two midget men.. who dress like two midget women?

Midget Transvestites: Ye-es.

Fernamdo: Well, you’d never know it. I’ll tell you that. Because, you look mahvelous! You — this is fabulous – you look like an Ann Miller doll. May I say that to you? And you, you sort of look like a Charo, you know what I’m saying? Charo, but not really. You are Joan Blondell, up close – who used to park next to me at RKO, gave me a ding every time she parked her car. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! No, you do, darling. Keep them together, you know what I’m saying? There’s people here. Alright.

[ Fernando moves over to sit next to the Nazi ]

Fernando: Hello.

Nazi: Hi.

Fernando: How do you do? Are you on the show, too?

Nazi: Yes!

Fernando: Hmm. And, uh.. who’s that? [ points to Bernard Goetz ] Who’s that?

Nazi: [ in a whisper ] That’s Bernard Goetz.

Fernando: [ doesn’t recognize him ] Bernard Goetz? The jazz musician?

Nazi: No, that’s Stan Getz.

Fernando: Oh.

Nazi: He’s the Subway Vigilante.

Fernando: [ eyes widen, excited ] He looks mahvelous! I gotta talk to him, and try to get him on my show, you know what I mean?

Nazi: That’s a good idea.

Fernando: Thank you, Nazi! This is a very good color for you.

[ Fernando moves over to meet Bernard Goetz ]

Fernando: Excuse me, Mr. Goetz? How do you do? My name is Fernando, and I have a little talk show called “The Hideaway”, and.. I would go crazy if you would consider being on my show. All the celebrities in town come to do it, and it would be fantastic if you would just say.. yes.

Bernard Goetz: Sure.

Fernando: You will?

Bernard Goetz: Sure.

Fernando: [ excited ] Ohhh, this is unbelievable! This is.. this is amazing! I’ve got to call my producer and tell him that I’ve got Bernard Goetz on my show! This is unbelievable, this is fantastic! [ rushes across the room to the payphone, passing the midget transvestites along the way ] You two still look mahvelous! [ picks up payphone to dial, fishing in his pocket for a quarter ] This is great, because I have had a lot of trouble with guests – Barry Manilow cancelled, and it’s really hard to get people in town, you know, I — [ Fernando can’t find a quarter in his pockets ] Uh.. Bernard..? Do you have a quarter?

Bernard Goetz: [ raises his head slowly with vengeance in his dark eyes ] Yeah, I’ve got a quarter! You want a quarter? [ He walks slowly towards Fernando, his hand reaching into his jacket pocket ] I’ve got a quarter for you right here, pal.. I’ve got a nice quarter for ya’!

Fernando: Oh no! No, Bernie, no, please! Don’t do it! Oh no, what did I do?! I’m so stupid! Please, don’t do it! But, if you must – shoot me from here down, because, even if I’m wounded, I’ll still look mahvelous!

[ Bernard pulls out a quarter, surprising Fernando with his act ]

Bernard Goetz: Oh boy, did you fall for that one!

Fernando: [ relieved ] Oh boy, that is a quarter! Oh, you got me good there, Bernie Goetz!

Bernard Goetz: [ laughing ] Oh, were you shining!

Fernando: I’m shining?

Bernard Goetz: You should have seen yourself flinch! [ throws his arm in front of the midget transvestites and Nazi ] Did you guys see him! [ midget transvestites and the Nazi throw themselves to the floor in fear ] Everybody’s so jumpy around here! It’s unbelievable.

Fernando: This is amazing, Bernard Goetz, I’ll tell you that right now. You are something else. I am.. I’m really glad to meet you. And after meeting you, I’ve got to tell you one thing. I am glad to be.. alive from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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