Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 10
The Joe Franklin Show
Joe Franklin … Billy Crystal
Alan Arkin … Christopher Guest
Daphne Clayton … Kathleen Turner
Doug Henning … Martin Short
[Music: an uptempo piano version of “Twelfth StreetRag.” SUPER: “The Joe Franklin Show” over a successionof black and white photos of old movie stars: W. C.Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface), Eddie Cantor, MaeWest, the Marx Brothers (in “Go West”), Spencer Tracy,Buster Keaton (in “The Navigator”), Humphrey Bogart(in “The African Queen”), Laurel and Hardy (in “You’reDarn Tootin'”). Finally, we dissolve to the darkened,book-lined set of Joe Franklin’s talk show. The lightscome up and we dissolve to legendary talk show host,seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaidsuit.]
Joe Franklin: Well, a, er, good – good evening,my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin, eh, comingto you for our very good friends, our sponsors:Hoffman Beverages, Matzohs by Streit’s “For theUnleavened Experience of a Lifetime … er, MartinPaints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’t Just Paints” and,uh, joining us today, proudly, a, er, new sponsorcalled Bye Bye Hair. It is the only depilatory.Sitting with us, my friends, three, eh, super-duperpeople, uh, Mr. Doug Henning. [Henning, seated in alotus position, is a long-haired, bucktoothed,mustachioed wimp in a skintight, multicolored shirt]… He’s a magician extraordinaire. Now you see him,now you don’t, my friends. And, uh, one of our topactors, even alphabetically, Mr. Alan Arkin. [Arkinnods unenthusiastically] … And, welcoming today, adebut of sorts, if you will, a new, rising star, Ms.Daphne Clayton. [Daphne, grinning broadly, is a sexybut nervous redheaded amateur – Joe holds up a posteradvertising her show] Er, Daphne is now appearing, myfriends, in a new original revue called, er, “Wake MeWhen I’m Nude.” … Er, so I’m excited. Alan, AlanArkin, tell us how you, uh, feel about sitting on thispanel of superstars.
Alan Arkin: [arms crossed, nods, nasal voice]Uh, feels good, Joe. Huh!
Joe Franklin: Er … Doug, Doug Henning, er, inyour magic show, would you have a place for a young,sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton?
Doug Henning: [spaced out, trippy, New Agevoice] Well, there’s always room for beauty – in theworld of magic, Joe! … For magic is the spirit ofillusion. And illusion can be magical. Like this![reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out a bouquet offlowers, hands it to Daphne]
Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?
Daphne Clayton: [gasps, genuinely amazed] Ohhh,I can’t believe–! That’s terrific!
Doug Henning: Read the card!
Daphne Clayton: [looks at the bouquet] Thereisn’t one.
Doug Henning: There’s always a card – in theworld of magic! [reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls outa playing card, hands it to Daphne]
Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?
Daphne Clayton: Oh! Look! [hands card toJoe]
Joe Franklin: [also genuinely amazed] Look atthat. See that? Now, I didn’t– Did you see it come?Not from anywhere. That is something. I, er, I, er,didn’t see a thing. Alan, er, what did you think aboutthat?
Alan Arkin: That’s unbelievable. It’samazing.
Doug Henning: AND it’s magical!
Joe Franklin: [holds up poster again] Er,Daphne, er, Clayton, the, er, the show is called,uh–
Daphne Clayton: “Wake Me When I’mNude.”
Joe Franklin: Uh huh. And it is being done atthe American Legion Post 118, er, which is locatedat–
Daphne Clayton: That’s at Exit 6 — it’s rightacross from Mr. Donut.
Joe Franklin: Ah! The, er, “Wake Me When I’mNude” — this sounds like a family show.
Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes! It’s a show that thewhole family could enjoy, Joe.
Joe Franklin: Oh, good. Alan Arkin, er, haveyou ever seen, er, this show?
Alan Arkin: No. No.
Daphne Clayton: [to Alan Arkin] Oh, pleasecome. It’s free. And – and they have apple juice anddoughnuts during intermission.
Alan Arkin: [mildly amused] Huh!
Doug Henning: Oh, that sounds wonderful! Butwhen you speak of refreshments, do you have anassortment – [holds up an empty metal bowl, covers it,then uncovers it, revealing a bowl full of cheese] -of cheeses?! [hands cheese bowl to Daphne]
Daphne Clayton: Oh! Now, that’s what I callmagic! [hands cheese bowl to Joe]
Joe Franklin: Isn’t that magic? And what wouldbe truly magical is if this cheese was served on theMatzohs by Streit’s, my friends. Wash it down with theHoffman Beverages. On a hairless body by Bye Bye Hairin a room by Martin Paints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’tJust Paints,” my friends. Alan, er, this is exciting.Any advice to this up and coming super-duperstar?
Alan Arkin: Uh, no, not really, Joe,no.
Joe Franklin: But, uh, we do, uh, have a treat,my friends, Ms. Daphne Clayton is going to, uh, singone of the tunes from the show. Daphne, er, do youwant to explain, er, this song before we hearit?
Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes, yeah. It’s a scenewhere I’m mad at my husband Larry.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.
Daphne Clayton: And his best friend Barrythinks that I’m mad at him, too, and so he leaves. Andthat is the first time I’m left alone thatday.
Joe Franklin: [after an awkward pause] So,let’s sit back, my friends, and, er, listen to thismusical treat, from Daphne Clayton, from “Wake – Me -When – I’m – Nude” – coming – up – right -now.
[Excited, Daphne rises to sing her song. A pianoplays. After an extremely long vamp, Daphne finallybegins – but the voice we hear is prerecorded andDaphne emphatically and ineptly lip syncs the entirething. Joe, reading some papers at his desk, payslittle attention. Arkin, arms folded, can’t believehow bad she is — or how interested Doug Henning seemsto be in her awful performance.]
Daphne Clayton: [spoken melodramatically]Larry, take this ring and get out! And stay out!
Eight a.m., fix his breakfast
Toast, juice, eggs, scrambled well
Pick up his socks, drop off the kids,
Shampoo the rug and the dog!
What about myself?
What about my life?
Don’t I get a break?
Larry! Wake up!
It’s nineteen eighty-threeeeeeeeeeee!
[Daphne finishes big, no one applauds, deafeningsilence. She sits back down.]
Joe Franklin: That, uh, is exciting. That’svery exciting, Daphne. I tell you, my friends, I lovenew talent, we discover new talent here. Daphne, youare a future-duper star. Let me ask you this. What doyou think about Ben Turpin? [holds up photo of thecross-eyed silent movie comedian] Do you, uh, have anystories? Are there any anecdotes?
Daphne Clayton: Uh, I don’t know who thatis.
Joe Franklin: But Alan Arkin, my friends–Alan, you are the actor’s actor. He writes, hedirects, he does stage, he does films. Alan, the SuperBowl game — any predictions?
Alan Arkin: What are you talking about?
Joe Franklin: The, eh, game, eh, Miami, SanFrancisco, who’s gonna win?
Alan Arkin: [shrugs, shakes his head] Uh, Idon’t know.
Joe Franklin: Er, Doug – Henning, as we wrap upthis gold medal-winning show, my friends, and itis — you feel it, I feel it, we all feel it –Doug, any New Year’s resolutions for 1985?
Doug Henning: I resolve – that each day will befilled with magical possibilities. And thesepossibilities, because they are magic, will be onlyillusions!
Alan Arkin: [after a beat, annoyed, to DougHenning] What are you talking about?
Joe Franklin: I’m putting this show in my timecapsule, my friends. One of the all-time favoriteshows. [“Twelfth Street Rag” pots up, signaling theend of the program, Joe holds up the poster one lasttime] Daphne Clayton, darling, please come back. Theshow, “Wake Me When I’m Nude.”
Daphne Clayton: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Joe.And – and, please come, it’s free!
Joe Franklin: Well, we’ll drive down, I hope.Doug, a great star. More car commercials, uh, Broadwayshow, and then you are going to–?
Doug Henning: Off to Toronto, to try my hand ina little dramatic fare, in a play entitled “MassAppeal” with the wondrously talented JimBackus.
Joe Franklin: And, of course, er, AlanArkin.
Alan Arkin: No.
Joe Franklin: Well, er, that is it for today,my friends, we will see you soon. And, er, for now,Joe Franklin simply saying, “Let’s all wave goodbye.”Bye-bye.
[Applause as Joe and Daphne wave goodbye. Alan Arkinsits lifelessly with his hands in his lap. DougHenning magically produces a cane with a scarf at theend of it as we fade out.]