SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle Wrench


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle Wrench

Spokesman…..Harry Shearer

[ open on close-up of a model F-15 fighter bomber ]

Spokesman: The F-15 is the world’s fastest fighter bomber. But you can’t tighten its forward flap couplings with an egg.

[ pan out to MacDouglass-Drummond spokesman, who cracks an egg over the wing of the model F-15 fighter bomber ]

For that job, you need the MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle Wrench! Yes, them amazing Miracle Wrench tightens any standard U.S. Air Force 3/4″ bolt in just seconds! How much would you expect to pay for this kind of versatility? 5? $50? Sound.. incredible? Try $50,000! That’s because we’re the only wrench that’s Pentagon-approved. So why pay half as much for wrenches that can only do exactly the same thing?

With Miracle Wrench, you can tighten bolts, loosen volts, or move bolts entirely! Miracle Wrench can even withstand the heat of a Congressional investigation. Now, how much would you pay? But, wait – there’s less. Order now, and we’ll include the amazing $17,000 coffee pot! Specially-designed for the United States Army. It boils, it boils.. it even boils! And it’s all yours for an additional $24,000. Plus the price of the wrench and the coffee pot!

Right now, MacDouglass-Drummond is boosting bloating and ballooning prices beyond all conceivable limits! Suuurrre, you could buy better parts for less money, but you can’t pay more for this kind of quality. To order your own wrench and coffeepot, just send $70,000 of your hard-earned tax dollars – plus 45% for kickbacks and lobbying! – to:

Military Housewares Department
Los Bandidos, California

MacDouglass-Drummond – remember that name! Our prices are indictable!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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