SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Kathleen Turner’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Kathleen Turner’s Monologue

…..Kathleen Turner

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Kathleen Turner!

Kathleen Turner: Thank you! In my opinion, it’s about time they had a woman hosting this show! [ audience cheers ] And I’m very glad to be here doing it. I guess a lot of you saw.. “Romancing The Stone”? [ audience applauds ] And you might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. Wasn’t she, uh.. more of a brunette?” That was mud! I’ve washed my hair isnce then. Actually, a lot of movie actors are very different in person, so I’m told. And it’s true, it’s true — [ looks into the audience, with a smile ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Jack? Wait, ladies and gentlemen – sitting right here, in the audience, is my friend.. Jack Nicholson!

[ camera zooms in on a fake audience member who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson ]

Kathleen Turner: Now, you see how different he looks in person? Even in my films – in each film, I look different. One to one. I mean, look at this one.

[ still shot of “The Man With Two Brains” ]

This is “The Man With Two Brains”, with Steve Martin. Now, you notice there’s this air of innocence and naivete, and everything.. Now, look at this.

[ still shot of “Body Heat” ]

This is “Body Heat”, with Bill Hurt. Now, as you can see, I started to develop a new attitude here. Now, next..

[ still shot of “Romancing The Stone” ]

This is “Romancing The Stone”, with Michael Douglas. Now, here I’ve reached a critical point as an actress. Obviously, I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Next!

[ no still shot is shown ]

Wha..? Where’s the shot from “Crimes of Passion”?

Voice of Dave Wilson: Uh, sorry, Kathleen. The NBC censor killed it – too much breakthrough.

Kathleen Turner: Television, huh? Well.. you’ll just have to imagine. We’ll be right back!

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