SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Kathleen Turner’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Kathleen Turner’s Monologue

…..Kathleen Turner

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Kathleen Turner!

Kathleen Turner: Thank you! In my opinion, it’s about time they had a woman hosting this show! [ audience cheers ] And I’m very glad to be here doing it. I guess a lot of you saw.. “Romancing The Stone”? [ audience applauds ] And you might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. Wasn’t she, uh.. more of a brunette?” That was mud! I’ve washed my hair isnce then. Actually, a lot of movie actors are very different in person, so I’m told. And it’s true, it’s true — [ looks into the audience, with a smile ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Jack? Wait, ladies and gentlemen – sitting right here, in the audience, is my friend.. Jack Nicholson!

[ camera zooms in on a fake audience member who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson ]

Kathleen Turner: Now, you see how different he looks in person? Even in my films – in each film, I look different. One to one. I mean, look at this one.

[ still shot of “The Man With Two Brains” ]

This is “The Man With Two Brains”, with Steve Martin. Now, you notice there’s this air of innocence and naivete, and everything.. Now, look at this.

[ still shot of “Body Heat” ]

This is “Body Heat”, with Bill Hurt. Now, as you can see, I started to develop a new attitude here. Now, next..

[ still shot of “Romancing The Stone” ]

This is “Romancing The Stone”, with Michael Douglas. Now, here I’ve reached a critical point as an actress. Obviously, I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Next!

[ no still shot is shown ]

Wha..? Where’s the shot from “Crimes of Passion”?

Voice of Dave Wilson: Uh, sorry, Kathleen. The NBC censor killed it – too much breakthrough.

Kathleen Turner: Television, huh? Well.. you’ll just have to imagine. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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