SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

…..Christopher Guest
…..Gary Kroeger
Doug Henning…..Rich Hall

[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Christopher Guest]

Christopher Guest: Thank you, Don Pardo. Our top story tonight:

In these last days before the inauguration, Washington job shuffling was in full swing. It started with the resignation of White House staffer Mike Deaver, then, this week, President Reagan announced that Treasury Secretary Donald Regan and top White House aide James Baker would switch jobs. Then the Wall Street Journal announced that Labor Secretary Ray Donovan would switch jobs with New York real estate tycoon John Zaccarro. THen, Mr. Reagan replaced Energy SEcretary Donald Hodel with personnel director john Harrington, making Hodel interior secretary replacing the departed William Clark. Meanwhile, National Endowment for the Humanities Head, William J. Bennett, will become Education Secretary, replacing the departing T.H. Bell. While all of this was going on, the President nominated singer Johnny Cash to replace Transportation Secretary Elizabeth Dole, who will be assigned to Folsom Prison. Defense Secretary Casper Winberger is out, and will be relaced with long-time presidential favorite, Bert Parks. George Schultz is out, making way for the new Secretary of State, “Dating Game” host Jim Lange. Secretary of Health and Human Services, Margaret Heckler, will be replaced by Pat Sajak, as Secretary of Health, and Bob Eubanks as Secretary of Human Services. A new rumor has it that President Regan will step down and make way for Phil Donahue, who is said to have become “tired of New York already, and needs a change of scene.” If this happens, First-Lady Nancy Regan will be replaced by “That Girl”, Marlo Thomas, who will become “That First -Lady”, Marlo Thomas. For a transcript of this report, write to Postmaster General Anson Williams, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Here now, with a consumer report, is SNL Consumer Analyst, Gary Kroeger.

Gary Kroeger: Thank you, Chris!

Christopher Guest: You’re welcome.

Gary Kroeger: It seems that every year consumers have another new commercial fad to deal with. One year, it was celebrity diet plans. Last year, all the stars came out with their own exercise video. But, year after year, calendars are the biggest thing. And the hot one in ’85 was the Beefcake calendar. Have you seen ’em? Hunk A Month? I brought a couple here. [ holds up a calendar ] Looking Goode – Men of USC. [ holds up second calendar ] My personal favorite – BUNS! As a consumer analyst, I decided to do something about this commercial opportunism. I decided to join them!

[ holds up a calendar labeled “Kroeger A Month” ]

So I’ve come out with my own 1985 Kroeger A Month calendar. Like any calendar worth its salt, mine starts with January! [ picture of a topless Gary Kroeger with skis ] Now, I’ve already crossed off the first eleven days – you can clip them, add them to ’86, if you’d like. What I’m trying to do is create the spirit of every month. [ flips to February – topless Kroeger with angel wings and a valentine covering his crotch ] February makes me think of falling in love — [ flips to March – Kroeger lying facedown in scattered leaves while wearing a speedo ] March is the windy month.

Now, as most calendars mark holidays, I’ve marked all the special events in my life, so you can observe them with me. March 15th is marked, because that’s the day when I got my first kiss, back in the First Grade. [ flips to April – a mostly nude Kroeger in rubbers and an inverted unbrella ] In april, I’ve marked April 13th, because that’s when I got my first kiss from a girl. [ flips to May – nude Kroeger sitting down with daisies and a basket covering his crotch ] Of course, April showers bring May flowers. [ flips to June – Krogers in nude version of tuxedo outfit ] June is for weddings. [ flips to July – topless Kroeger poised with golf club ] And July is terrific for outdoor sports like golf, and — [ flip to August – obviously fake bikini swimwear pose with Kroeger’s head pasted on top ] there’s swimming in August. I — [ a faint whistle from the audience ] Thank you! [ audience laughs ] I’ve circled August 28th, because that’s the day I lost my virginity. Incidentally, 1985 will mark that event’s first anniversary. [ flip to September – half-naked Kroeger sitting on floor with school books and prep school necktie ] September is back to school! [ flip to October – naked Kroeger wearing mask with black bar across his crotch ] October was a little hot for television – but, if you buy the calendar, both masks come off! [ flip to november – Kroeger posed seductively wearing an Indian corset while sitting in a pile of leaves ] November brings the harvestm and, finally, the jolliest of months — [ flip to December – Kroeger undressing himself while in Santa garb ] December.

Now, I realize that, you know, the year has already started, so, like all calendars, I’ve had to slash my prices. That’s right – I’m selling this calendar in this lobby, right after the show, for only ninety-five cents! That’s change from your dollar! And, for only ten dollars more, I’ll go directly to your house and pose each month! Supplies are limited, so.. get one while they’re hot! Chris?

Christopher Guest: [ stares at Kroeger, unblinking ] That’s very sad.

[ Chris turns his back to the Chroma-Key, where we see a photograph of an Elvis statue ]

This week, in honor of Elvis Presley’s 50th birthday, the city of Memphis dedicated a memorial statue of its idol, who died in 1977. Situated directly opposite Graceland, Presley’s Memphis mansion, the statue stands seven-feet high and weighs eight-hundred-and-fifty pounds – which is approximately what Elvis would have weighed if he were alive today.

And now with a report on the nation’s federal deficit, which is rapidly apporaching two-hundred billion dollars, here is President Reagan’s newly-appointed economic advisor, Doug Henning.

Doug Henning: Thank you! Thank you! Oh, it’s so wonderful to be here! Oh, and isn’t so amazing that there are two Doug Hennings on this show! [ chuckles ] Oh, that’s my favorite illusion! You can never have enough Doug Henning! [ audience laughs quietly ] You know — thank you! The other night, after my Broadway show, Mr. Reagan came backstage, and he said, “Doug! I reaaaaally liked the way you made that elephant disappear! And the way you made that cougar disappear!” And with wondrously, childlike desperation, he — [ Doug’s fake teeth slowly inch their way out of Rich Hall’s mouth, until they finally drop and bounce across the newsdesk and land on the studio floor; the audience cheers the on-air blooper ] Thank you! That’s another of my favorite illusions! [ Christopher Guest extends his arm into the frame to return Doug’s fallen teeth ] Thank you, Chris! [ the audience cheers ] Thank you! I’m gonna disappear now for just a second — [ ducks under the newsdesk to re-insert his fake teeth, then realigns himself and continues as though there were no gaffe ] Mr. Reagan said, “Can you make the deficit disappear?” See, Mr. Reagan believes that illusion has become reality.. and reality has become illusion! Now, let’s pretend that the deficit is a big hole. [ reaches udner the newsdesk and pulls up a little metal bucket ] Like a bucket! A bucket is a hole, isn’t it, Chris? [ Chris is silent ] It’s a hole with sides on it! Thank you! It’s a big hole.. but if we fill it up just a little at a time.. and we all, just coughed up just a little! go ahead and cough, Chris! [ holds the bucket up to Chris’ face ] Cough up, there!

[ Chris makes a coughing sound, as Doug releases a coin from his fingertips which hits the bottom of the bucket ]

Doug Henning: Oh! [ turns the bucket over and lets the coin hit the newsdesk ] A fifty-cent piece! Now, we’re gonna cough up three-hundred-and-ninety-nine billion more times — that deficit is big! [ again holds the bucket up to Chris’ face ] Cough up some Social Security! Go ahead.

[ Chris makes another coughing sound, as another coin hits the bottom of the bucket ]

Doug Henning: There you go! [ turns the bucket over and lets the coin hit the newsdesk ] Oh! There’s an AmTrak, caught in your nose! [ tweaks Chris’ nose and makes another coin drop into the bucket ] If we truly believe in magic, we might be able to barf up some military spending! [ holds the bucket back under Chris’ face ] Barf one up! Go ahead!

[ Chris makes a dry heave sound effect with his mouth, as wads of bills jump out of the bucket ]

Doug Henning: Oh! There you go! [ audience cheer ] Thank you! I’m Doug Henning! Thank you!

[ camera pulls out, as Doug smiles and Chris stares deadpan into the lens. Fade out. ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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