SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: The Pickup

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

The Pickup

Victoria Kingsley…..Kathleen Turner
Adam Sherman…..Martin Short

[ open on interior, loft party. The room is in full swing, as the trendy Victoria Kingsley enters. Feeling a little man-hungry, she scans the room, her eyes resting upon the nerdily-dressed Adam Sherman. She loosens her blouse and makes her approach. ]

victoria Kingsley: I just love lofts. Don’t you? Rooms are so claustrophobic.

Adam Sherman: [ meekly ] Uh, h-hi! I-I-I’m.. Adam Sherman! I-I don’t think that we.. have, uh, been introduced.

victoria Kingsley: [ extends her hand ] Victoria Kingsley. [ Adam gives her hand a weak shake, but she’s impressed ] It’s a pleasure meeting you! Do you have a loft of your own, around here?

Adam Sherman: No. Well, I-I mean, I used to, b-but.. my ex got possession of it, I-I’m staying with uh.. [ motions his hand behind Victoria ] friends for just a little while.

victoria Kingsley: [ looks behind her, points in the same direction, pouting ] Is that your “friend” over there? I saw you talking to her earlier?

Adam Sherman: Oh, no, no, no – I-I – no. No, that’s – I haven’t gone out with anybody for a long, long time, ever since I broke up with Sally, as a —

victoria Kingsley: [ grabs hold of his arm ] Ohhhh, Adam. [ pulls him across the room ] Take it from an old hand at the separation game: the most loving thing you can do for yourself.. is to get right back on that horse!

Adam Sherman: [ not comprehending ] But she won’t even talk to me, I —

victoria Kingsley: Not that horse! Look – what I’m trying to say, Adam, is it’s time to put the past behind you, to find a new.. love! Immediately. Now!

Adam Sherman: Well — [ chuckles nervously ] this may see a little corny, but I-I – up until now, I-I just.. sort of.. looked. I haven’t.. really touched. You know?

victoria Kingsley: Ohh. You know, that’s too bad. Because I find you in-cred-i-bly sex-y.

Adam Sherman: [ gasps ] Really?!

victoria Kingsley: Mmm-hmm.

Adam Sherman: I mean, I-I – I think that you are very, very attractive! I-I I couldn’t help noticing when I – when I looked over there, at one point e-earlier, that you were a very attractive.. uh.. person!

victoria Kingsley: [ flattered ] Good! Well, then – your place, or mine?

Adam Sherman: [ Adam is speechless, his mouth quivers but no words escape ]

victoria Kingsley: No, on second though – my place is safer. It’s soundproofed. Adam. Have you ever been.. with a multi-orgasmic woman?

Adam Sherman: [ speechless, but thinking carefully ] Does multi mean more than two?

victoria Kingsley: [ cocks her head back and laughs ] Way more! [ walks over to the bar and pours a drink ]

Adam Sherman: [ still speechless, he meekly follows Victoria to extend the conversation with a weak: ] Nice sweater!

victoria Kingsley: [ pleased ] Oh! You like it?

Adam Sherman: Uh —

victoria Kingsley: I’ll knit one for you! In blue, I think. Not green — [ rubs Adam’s green sweater ] You should stay away from the green.

Adam Sherman: What’s wrong with green?

victoria Kingsley: Well, it just makes you look kind of puffy and pasty, you know — oh, never mind. [ grabs Adam’s cheek ] I just want to think about.. tomorrow morning. I say we lie in bed ’til about.. noon. Snuggling. Watching an old Bergman movie – your choice. Then the Sunday Times over cappucino and croissant, and then.. [ pauses ] How do you like your eggs? You know, I feel silly not knowing!

Adam Sherman: Uh — [ struggling ] Victoria, you know, I-I think I may have to babysit tomorrow, so —

victoria Kingsley: [ lights up ] You like kids!

Adam Sherman: Well — uh — s-sure, uh, I like kids. Everyone likes kids, I — someday, I hope to have a kid —

victoria Kingsley: Aw! You will, Adam. Very soon. [ Adam sips from his drink ] Lucky for you, I’m obvulating tonight. [ Adam chokes on his drink ]

Adam Sherman: Uhhh — Victoria, you — uhhh — you don’t seem to understand, that – th-that I’m only twenty-four years old! I-I-I-I’m not even sure what I want to be when I grow up!

victoria Kingsley: Well — why not a house husband? See, my career is very important, I couldn’t allow a child to interfere —

Adam Sherman: No, no — uh, listen to me, Victoria – you see, this is exactly.. the reason why Sally and I broke up. I-I-I don’t want to be a father – I’m not prepared.. to be a father, you see —

victoria Kingsley: Well, but, darling – we’ll work all this out in counseling. You know, my astrologist warned me that I would meet an “A” initial in ’85 that would pull some heavy emotional blackmail on me, Adam —

Adam Sherman: [ aghast ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh — I just — no! This is the stupidest — I left the burner on, I can see that I’ve done that, I can visualize it in my mind, so — I-I really should be.. off.. and.. take care, and nice meeting you, Victoria, it’s been great —

victoria Kingsley: [ laughing ] Wait, Adam! [ runs after him, wraps her arms around his shoulders ] First, let me just ask you.. one question. Hmm? [ give Adam perhaps the most passionate kiss of his life, and he can’t resist ] Sooo, tiger – you want to do it, or not?

Adam Sherman: Well, I-I-I am.. feeling.. a little.. rather sexy!

[ they step into the door frame to the outer hallway ]

victoria Kingsley: You know, Adam – I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. [ flis him around and pushes him out of the door, as she follows ]

[ zoom out to full studio shot ]

[ fade ]

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