Good Cop, Bad Cop


Good Cop, Bad Cop

Lieutenant…..Roy Scheider
Stevens…..Rich Hall
Devoney…..Jim Belushi
Lawrence…..Martin Short

[ Liuetenant enters the police precinct withLawrence right behind him ]

Lieutenant: What have we got, Stevens?

Stevens: Well, we searched his place, Lieutenant. There was no sign of the money, or the girl.

Lieutenant: [ walks over ] Come on, Devoney – don’t be stupid all your life. You tell me where the girl is, and maybe the DA can cut a deal.

Devoney: What are you talking about, Lieutenant? I was out all evening.

Lieutenant: With who?

Devoney: Your wife. I finally got to the head of the line! [ laughs ]

Lieutenant: Take a walk, Stevens. Lawrence and I don’t want to be disturbed. [ Stevens exits the room ]

Lawrence: I don’t believe that guy’s story for one second, Lieutenant! Why don’t you call your wife and check it out?

Lieutenant: Just listen, Lawrence.. this guy is a tough SOB, but I think we can crack him. What do you say we try the old “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine?

Lawrence: [ amazed, and anxious to see it work ]

Lieutenant: Look, Devoney.. I understand your butt is on the block. If it was up to me, I’d cut you loose. But my partner here, he’s got a bad temper, a real bad temper. Right, Lawrence?

Lawrence: I agree, Lieutenant! [ smiles wildly ]

Lieutenant: Now, the truth, I don’t know how long I can hold him off.

Devoney: [ looks Lawrence over ] I’ll take my chances.

Lieutenant: I did what I could, Lawrence. He doesn’t want to talk to us.

Lawrence: [ starts to sob ] Oh, no, that’s, that’s terrible.. now, we won’t ever find the girl! And we won’t get our vacation, either! And it’s so sad.. because my mother wanted to go to Tampa in Auguest! I should have..

Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What the hell are you doing?!

Lawrence: It doesn’t seem to be working, Lieutenant! Why don’t you try being the sad cop?

Lieutenant: What?!

Lawrence: You know – Good Cop, Sad Cop.

Lieutenant: Bad Cop! Bad Cop! B-A-D!

Lawrence: Oh, great start spelling, like I’m not embarrassed enough?

Lieutenant: Just remember – good cop.. bad cop. [ returns to Devoney ] Now, look, Devoney, this guy is on the edge of some serious bone-breaking. Just lucky for you he’s doing a slow burn. Now, for the last time, where’s the girl?

Devoney: Turning tricks, With your mother. [ laughs ]

Lieutenant: [ to Lawrence ] Take him!

Lawrence: Now, look.. [ holds up his hands, which are handcuffed together ] I accidentally handcuffed myself, Lieutenant! [ to Devoney ] I guess I’m a real bad cop, huh, Devoney? I think you should just tell me where the girl is, because I’m such a bad cop..!

Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What’s the matter with you?!

Lawrence: I’m doing what you told me – good cop, bad cop!

Lieutenant: Not bad like incompetent! Bad like in vicious! Mean!

Lawrence: Ahh..

Lieutenant: Good Cop.. Bad Cop!

Lawrence: Alright, Lieutenent, then!

Lieutenant: [ returns to Devoney ] I’m warning you, Devoney – this guy is so crazed, he doesn’t know what he’s doing!

Devoney: Yeah, tell it to my lawyer – he’s making it with your sister! [ laughs ]

Lieutenant: [ laughs back ] Okay, Devoney, you asked for it. Lawrence?

Lawrence: [ sits ] Well, I’m sorry about my partner, he tends to get very, very upset. Can I buy you some pie, or possibly a..

Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What are you doing?!

Lawrence: Did you want to be the good cop? ‘Cause if you do, that’s no problem..

Lieutenant: Look, look! It’s simple! It’s simple! Just watch – Good Cop, Bad Cop! [ returns to Devoney ] Let me at ‘im! Let me at ‘im! I’ll eat his face off! [ pulls Devoney up, then jumps to the opposite side of him ] Now, look, Lieutentant, don’t do that.. I mean, violence never got us anywhere..

Devoney: [ slightly confused ] That’s right..

Lieutenant: [ reverts to Bad Cop ] Don’t give me any of that liberal crap! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll tear him apart! I’ll eat ‘im alive!

Devoney: Who’s this guy..?

Lieutenant: [ Good Cop ] Now, look.. now, look.. I don’t know how long I can hold him off.. he’s an animal, he’s an animal.. please, for your own sake, tell us where the girl is..

Devoney: Uhh…

Lieutenant: [ Bad Cop ] I don’t care where the girl is! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im..! [ turns to Lawrence ] You see?! It’s simple! It’s easy! Any idiot can do it!

Lawrence: Well, let’s do it..

Lieutenant: Except the idiot I got for a partner! I’m going down to the squad car.. before I hurt somebody! [ exits room, shattering glass everywhere ]

Lawrence: Gee.. he seems to have lost patience with me, Mr. Devoney.. so, if you wouldn’t mind, on the way down to Headquarters, if you would just, you know, kind of ride up front with him in the car?

Devoney: [ surrenders ] Here, here, here.. [ pulls out a pair of keys ] Here’s the keys! The girl’s locked up in a warehouse on 8th Street!

Lawrence: [ takes the keys ] Hey, Lieutentant! I think I found a clue! [ pulls out handcuffs ] Okay, Devoney.. you’ve had an easy ride of it so far, but you are coming with me! [ thinks he’s handcuffed Devoney, but he ends up pulling the chair out instead ] [ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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