Ricky & Phil


Ricky & Phil

Ricky…..Billy Crystal
Phil…..Christopher Guest


[ open on Ricky in his apartment, pouring a bag of Oreos into a bowl ]

Ricky: This is the greatest! Super Sunday is like the greatest day of life! It’s unbelievable! I love Super Sunday, it’s amazing! It’s so amazing, it is unbelievable!

[ Phil enters the apartment ]

Phil: Hey, Ricky, how ya doing?

Ricky: Hey, Phil! Hey, where ya been, I was worried, you know? It’s almost game-time, did you get all the stuff?

Phil: Yeah, I got all this stuff! What’s the big rush, huh?

Ricky: I’m excited, it is Superbowl Sunday! It’s my favorite day, it is unbelievable!

Phil: [ points to all the goodies in the bag ] Look at this, look at this. I don’t know what you’re in a rush for, you know? Your 49er’s are gonna roll over like a dead dog, his petrified feet are gonna stick up in the air.

Ricky: Oh, really? Like I am really, really afraid of a team that has Flipper on their helmet, right? [ laughs like a moron ] I’m really, really scared!

Phil: Look, can I show you what I got here?

Ricky: Sure.

Phil: This is for the game, while we’re watching the game, look what I got here. Cheese balls..

Ricky: Great.

Phil: I got family-sized beef jerky..

Ricky: Great.

Phil: And, to drink, I got grape soda.

Ricky: Unbelievable!

Phil: It’s unbelievable, right? And, when the Dolphins are presented the Vince Lombardi Trophy for their victory, and you’re handing me your five bucks that you owe m.

Ricky: Five bucks, right, right. Like I’m running to the bank now to get your five bucks, right! [ laughs to himself ] What are you, an idiot?

Phil: What are you, a creep?

Ricky: What are you, a moron?

Phil: What are you, a jerk?

Ricky: What are you, a pinhead?

Phil: What are you, a doofus?

Ricky: Hey! Take it easy!

Phil: Alright, relax.

Ricky: It’s Super Sunday, okay, Cabbagehead!

Phil: You’re a brisquet-breath!

Ricky: What, Tush-For-Brains?

Phil: You’re a schmegma!

Ricky: Hey! Hey, I don’t like that! Come on, now what else we got to eat here?

Phil: Let me show you what else I got here for the festivities, alright? We got Bavarian Mint Ice Cream..

Ricky: Ooohhh..

Phil: ..on.. [ pulls out package ]

Ricky: Celebrity Frozen Mini-Waffles? What the hell is this?

Phil: It’s frozen mini-waffles, bearing the likeness of your favorite stars. Look, they got George Segal, Nell Carter, F.B.I. Zimbalist, Jr..

Ricky: Oh, they got J.P. Morgan and Chuck Woolery!

Phil: That’s pretty great, huh?

Ricky: That’s unbelievable!

Phil: Okay, and for dinner, which I am going to be savoring because of the 45-0 Dolphin victory..

Ricky: [ makes phone noises ] Excuse me, must be the telephone. [ answers make-believe phone ] Hello? Yeah, hold on. It’s the Bellevue Crazy House? Hello, Crazy House? You got a straitjacket for Phil Amatullo, because he thinks the Miamis are gonna win! Yeah, I know! He’s unbelievable!

Phil: That’s really funny. You’re a dipstick, you know that?

Ricky: Right, right, right.. thank you very much, that’s very funny. You are a creton.

Phil: You’re a douchebag!

Ricky: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, Super Sunday!

Phil: Okay, let’s watch it.

Ricky: Okay, Vomit-Breath.

Phil: What did you say?

Ricky: I said Vomit-Breath.

Phil: You’re a midget!

Ricky: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Elephant Ears.

Phil: Hey, look, I suppose you think that Fred Dean is gonna come around, right, and sack my man Marino. Is that what you think? He’s not gonna lay a hand on him, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Ricky: Oh, really?

Phil: Yeah, really. When my Danny-boy sees him, he’s gonna throw the football into his fat blubberface!

Ricky: Oh, you really, really think so?

Phil: Yeah, I really do!

Ricky: Well, let me tell you something, pal – if my boy “Mad Dog” Fred Dean don’t sack your Pretty-Boy Dan Marino, who’s so fat he looks like he lives in a tanning center..

Phil: Right.

Ricky: I will personally go out on the fire escape, I will remove all of my pants, and I will moon Sister Polly Rucci at Our Lady of Pompei, okay?

Phil: You will?

Ricky: I will.

Phil: You got a deal. [ they shake ]

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: You’re a dimwit!

Ricky: You’re a peabrain!

Phil: You know something? You smell like a rhino’s nipple. Did I ever tell you that?

Ricky: Thanks very, very much. You know, that’s really, really nice. I gotta ask you one question, could I ask you this, Phil?

Phil: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh, is it possible that you could get, like, more pimples on your back?

Phil: That’s nice. Could you do me a favor? Could you get your feet to smell more? Would that be possible? Maybe you could kill all the pets in the building! That would be good.

Ricky: Right, that’s really nice. Let me ask you this – could you, like, fail a written driver’s test, like, eight more times, maybe?

Phil: Wait, let me ask you this – the idea is, what, that you’re never gonna blow your nose? Is that what it is? The rest of my life, I’m looking at a Whitman’s Sampler of boulders over here! That’s attractive, that’s great.

Ricky: [ pulls up his nose with his fingers ] Take a look at these!

Phil: I’m looking, pal, put it down!

Ricky: Let’s have a truce, okay? It’s Super Sunday.

Phil: Okay. Truce.

Ricky: What’s for dinner?

Phil: I got two Le Dinners.

Ricky: Le Dinners? What the hell is Le Dinners?

Phil: Look – Le Dinner. Predominantly beef patties, lima beans, carrots, and potatos au grautin. Huh? And, for dessert, Pez! Did I do good, or what?

Ricky: You did unbelievable! I love this Pez! This is really, really great!

Phil: Okay, look, as a special surprise now, I rented us some classic films, alright?

Ricky: What’d you get?

Phil: First one here – Night Nurses 3-D”. You still got them glasses?

Ricky: Absotutely!

Phil: Alright. Okay, we got “17 Wet & Willy”. This one’s Beta, you just have to shove it in there, right?

Ricky: That’s it.

Phil: Oh, this is nice, look at this. [ holds up tape ] You gonna say it?

Ricky: Mmm-hmm..

Phil: No?

Ricky: Ain’t going near that one, I’ll tell you that right now! I thought we were getting “Clan Caravan Part II”?

Phil: We couldn’t get it!

Ricky: Why not?! I don’t wanna see that one! I mean, I like the music and everything..

Phil: You loved it, really!

Ricky: I don’t like animals..

Phil: [ looks at watch ] Hey, lok at this, what’s it say to you?

Ricky: It’s time for the game!

Phil: Alright, let’s get out of here! Here we go, here we go.. [ turns on Ricky’s TV, but nothing happens ] What’s the matter with your TV set?

Ricky: Nothing! It’s a great set!

Phil: What are you talking about?

[ TV sparks and explodes ]

Ricky: That’s unbelievable! What the hell did you do to it?!

Phil: This is great! Why don’t you get an older set, so more tubes are gonna explode, alright?

Ricky: Like, I will, when your teeth, like, rot more! Like, inside your gums, alright?

Phil: Yeah! Maybe you should lose more hair! You could start shaving from the top of your head down, put a bow tie on the back of your neck..!

[ and on and on they argue, zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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