Kate & Ali


Kate & Ali

Kate…..Martin Short
Ali…..Billy Crystal

Announcer: Monday at 9, watch America’s favorite roommates celebrate Valentine’s Day in a special 3-hour presentation of “Kate & Ali”.

[ dissolve to Katherine Hepburn helping Muhammed Ali with his tie ]

Kate: Oh, Ali, you hold still, or I’ll never get the knot in this tie the way you claim you want it!

Ali: Don’t tell me what to do, Kate. I am still the greatest of all time! I’m just a little nervous, this is my first date since my divorce come through, and it scares me more than Joe Frazier!

Kate: Oh, listen to me, Mr.! You’ve got to stand tall in that saddle and look fear in the eye, and say, “To hell with you!” My father always taught me..

Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father no more, Kate! I’m sick of hearing about your father. Oh, my father loved birds, my father had a zest for living, my father

Kate: Oh, and what about you?! Oh, Sonny Lester was a big ugly bear, Floyd Harris was a rabbit, and, oh, I’m so pretty, as if anyone the hell cares about that!

Ali: Kate, you are driving me.. crazy!

Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

[ they shake their fists at one another ]

Announcer: Yes, it’s the “Kate & Ali” Valentine’s Day special. But watch what happens when a three-time heavyweight champion is stung by Cupid’s arrow, leaving a four-time Oscar winner out in the cold.

Kate: [ playing “Jane B.” ] ..How sad I am.. to find myself all alone on Valentine’s Day.. with no beau to call my own.. oh, despair is my companion.. why should I not weep..?

Ali: [ re-enters room, surprising Kate ] You sure do play nice, Kate.

Kate: Oh, Ali, why are you home so early?!

Ali: Oh, Kate, I had a terrible time. The party was boring, people talk about stupid stuff.. I miss you, Kate, you’re my best friend.. here, I brought you some roses. [ hands her the roses ]

Kate: [ sneezes, blowing the roses across the room ] Ali! Roses! You know I’m allergic to roses, as was my father.. and his father before..!

Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father on more, Kate!

Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

Announcer: Yes, it’s three full hours of Kate & Ali’s Valentine’s Day special. Filling up yourt hearts with love and laughter, but you’d better leave room for a few surprises.

[ dissolve to Kate and Ali sitting up in bed together ]

Kate: Ali.. now that you and I have both experienced each other’s mutual joy, and the very essence of our being, can we still continue our friendship as if nothing has happened at all?

Ali: Kate.. I loves your hair and I like your smile, but you an ugly old white woman, so I won’t be back for a while!

Announcer: “Kate & Ali”‘s three-hour Valentine’s special. Monday at 9, 8 Central.

Kate: Be there!

Ali: Let’s all be there! [ sneers ]

Kate: Oh-h-h-h-h!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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