Kate & Ali

Kate & Ali

Kate…..Martin Short
Ali…..Billy Crystal

Announcer: Monday at 9, watch America’s favorite roommates celebrate Valentine’s Day in a special 3-hour presentation of “Kate & Ali”.

[ dissolve to Katherine Hepburn helping Muhammed Ali with his tie ]

Kate: Oh, Ali, you hold still, or I’ll never get the knot in this tie the way you claim you want it!

Ali: Don’t tell me what to do, Kate. I am still the greatest of all time! I’m just a little nervous, this is my first date since my divorce come through, and it scares me more than Joe Frazier!

Kate: Oh, listen to me, Mr.! You’ve got to stand tall in that saddle and look fear in the eye, and say, “To hell with you!” My father always taught me..

Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father no more, Kate! I’m sick of hearing about your father. Oh, my father loved birds, my father had a zest for living, my father

Kate: Oh, and what about you?! Oh, Sonny Lester was a big ugly bear, Floyd Harris was a rabbit, and, oh, I’m so pretty, as if anyone the hell cares about that!

Ali: Kate, you are driving me.. crazy!

Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

[ they shake their fists at one another ]

Announcer: Yes, it’s the “Kate & Ali” Valentine’s Day special. But watch what happens when a three-time heavyweight champion is stung by Cupid’s arrow, leaving a four-time Oscar winner out in the cold.

Kate: [ playing “Jane B.” ] ..How sad I am.. to find myself all alone on Valentine’s Day.. with no beau to call my own.. oh, despair is my companion.. why should I not weep..?

Ali: [ re-enters room, surprising Kate ] You sure do play nice, Kate.

Kate: Oh, Ali, why are you home so early?!

Ali: Oh, Kate, I had a terrible time. The party was boring, people talk about stupid stuff.. I miss you, Kate, you’re my best friend.. here, I brought you some roses. [ hands her the roses ]

Kate: [ sneezes, blowing the roses across the room ] Ali! Roses! You know I’m allergic to roses, as was my father.. and his father before..!

Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father on more, Kate!

Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

Announcer: Yes, it’s three full hours of Kate & Ali’s Valentine’s Day special. Filling up yourt hearts with love and laughter, but you’d better leave room for a few surprises.

[ dissolve to Kate and Ali sitting up in bed together ]

Kate: Ali.. now that you and I have both experienced each other’s mutual joy, and the very essence of our being, can we still continue our friendship as if nothing has happened at all?

Ali: Kate.. I loves your hair and I like your smile, but you an ugly old white woman, so I won’t be back for a while!

Announcer: “Kate & Ali”‘s three-hour Valentine’s special. Monday at 9, 8 Central.

Kate: Be there!

Ali: Let’s all be there! [ sneers ]

Kate: Oh-h-h-h-h!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts