Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit
Ricky … Billy Crystal
Phil … Christopher Guest
[Greasy-haired Ricky, in his red, white and bluebowling shirt, approaches the window of his Brooklynapartment and peers out at the falling snow.]
Ricky: Ooh, wow. Look at the snow. It’s really,really unbelievable! I can’t believe it! Mustbe two feet down there. Hate to be a midget on a daylike this! [laughs his dorky laugh] It is really,really so amazing, it’s unbelievable! [turns from thewindow to the closed bathroom door] Hey! Hey, Phil!What are you doin’ in there? You all right?[Ricky rolls his eyes as he hears the toilet flush.His roommate Phil, with slicked-back hair and a loudbrown shirt, emerges a moment later.]
Ricky: Hey, what took you so long? I was gonnasend out a search party.
Phil: I was readin’!
Ricky: Oh, good. Can I go in my own bathroomnow?
Phil: I’d let it simmer down if I wasyou.
Ricky: Great. Why don’t you eat, like,more Mexican food, all right?
Phil: Why don’t you shave your back, allright?
Ricky: I will. I will. Eh, why don’t you get,like, older underwear, okay? With, like,more holes in it? Matter of fact, why don’t youjust wear a waistband and forget the whole thing,okay?
Phil: You’re a douchebag.
Phil: Hey, you! Hey!
Ricky: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey, all right. [Ricky andPhil walk to the kitchen table] What were you readin’in there that took so long?
Phil: This survival magazine. [shows Ricky anad in the magazine] This thing here. Look at this.Look at this. Look at this. Tattooing equipment,here.
Ricky: Uh huh?
Phil: You got your own machinery —
Ricky: Mm hm?
Phil: –designs. Enough to start your ownbusiness. No experience necessary.
Ricky: That’s us! We got noexperience! In every field! [laughs dorkily]Okay. [Ricky and Phil sit at the cluttered kitchentable where a game of Trivial Pursuit is in progress]All right, whose move?
Phil: It’s, uh, your move here.
Ricky: [picks up the die] I’ll go, I’ll go,I’ll go. [blows on die for luck, rolls it] Ooh. Three.[moves game piece] Oh, no! History. [turns away, putshand to face and rolls his eyes as Phil carefullypulls a card from the box]
Phil: [reads from card] “What famous presidentis on the five dollar bill?” [Phil stares at Rickywhose eyes are shut — after a pause, he starts again]”What famous pr–?”
Ricky: I heard you the first time! Give meanother one. [annoyed, Phil sighs] Come on.
Phil: [reads from card] “What animal does woolcome from?”
Ricky: Ooh, I know this. [eyes closed, shakingwith effort, gives up] Uhhh, gimme anotherone.
Phil: [reads from card] “What classic–? Whodirected — who directed what classic GermanExpressionistic film called, Cabinet of Dr.Caligari?”
Ricky: [immediately and rapidly] The picturewas made in 1919, directed by Robert Weine, with ascreenplay by Carl Mayer and Hans Janowitz,cinematography by Willy Hameister.
Phil: You’re right.
Ricky: This game is so easy! It’sunbelievable! [laughs] I tell you this, Phil,when I know all that stuff about cinema and stuff, itconvinces me that what I was born to do is to direct amajor motion picture.
Phil: Why don’t you direct your face to a bigbottle of mouthwash in the bathroom, all right? Thisis crazy here.
Ricky: Okay, I would like to go into thebathroom but it smells like a possum exploded inthere!
Phil: Hey, Doody-head, you do me a favor,right?
Phil: You know so much about the movies,right?
Phil: You answer me a question here. [picks upa newspaper] These Academy Award nominations,here?
Ricky: Right, right.
Phil: You explain this to me. For “BestPicture,” right?
Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Passage toIndia”?
Phil: Right? [reads from newspaper] “Soldier’sStory”?
Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Amadeus”?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]
Phil: I mean, what is this here? What happenedto these good pictures like “Avenging Angel,” youknow?
Ricky: Mm hm.
Phil: And, like, “The Terminator”? You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about here?
Ricky: Mm hm. Mm hm.
Phil: Well, I mean, what–? Not to mention”Silver Spoons”! With that kid, uh — what’s his name?– Ricky Schreiber?
Phil: He’s great!
Ricky: He’s unbelievable! But I got totell you this, Phil. You gotta understand. It’s likeall politics in Hollywood out there. It’s, like, whoyou play, like, tennis with, you know, and who you eatguacamole with, you know? It’s like, you gottaunderstand the inner workings of the Academy of Artsand Leisure.
Phil: You’re right, know that?
Ricky: Mm hm.
Phil: Let’s – let’s do this.
Phil: Let’s each of us take a poll, allright?
Phil: We’ll each chip in one dollar apiece,right?
Ricky: Okay, okay.
Phil: And then we’ll mark down who we thinkshould win what award, all right?
Phil: All right, here we go. Who do you thinkfor “Best Actor”?
Ricky: “Best Actor”?
Ricky: Let’s see, let’s see. I’m gonna pickthis guy, this F. Murray Abraham.
Phil: The guy from “Amadeus,” right?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]
Ricky: Because, see, he’s got a trick name.See? It’s F-period-Murray Abraham, see? You knowanybody named “F”? You ever call up anybody and go”Hello? Is ‘F’ there?” No, right? So, when the Academyguys, they gotta vote, they go “Who could be, like, aBest Actor?” and they think, “Oooh! The F guy! He mustbe really, really great ’cause he got a F for a name.”See? That’s how they think.
Phil: That’s pretty smart.
Ricky: Yeah. Now, who you gonna pick for “BestActor,” hm?[As Phil speaks, Ricky rises, goes to the kitchensink, pulls two fresh cans of beer from a six-packchilling there, and returns with them to thetable.]
Phil: Pinocchio. That guy is great. That guy isgreat. You know, he’s amazing. First, he was wood. Andthen he’s sort of real. And then he’s like part of adonkey, you know? Then he’s like swimming underwaterand everything. I mean, this guy was great!
Ricky: Is it possible, Phil, that there issomebody in this world who is stupider than you?Pinocchio? Pinocchio’s not real. He’s acartoon.
Phil: [stares at Ricky in disbelief]Cartoon?
Phil: [after a beat] That’s a good make-up jobhe’s got.
Ricky: [sits, sets beer on table] You are sostupid, it’s unbelievable! You are so stupid,you are unbelievable!
Phil: I’m stupid?
Phil: Let me ask you a question, all right?
Phil: Would it be possible for you to havemore blackheads on your forehead? Could you dothat for me? [Ricky nods ironically] Good.
Ricky: Could you bathe, like, less in your lifeso it stinks more under your armpits? Could you dothat for me?
Ricky: You got waves of that stuff comin’off.
Phil: Sure, sure, if you’ll do this for me.Maybe have more dandruff, all right?
Phil: So when you’re eating, more big flakes ofthings will fall down onto your fish sticks. Do thatfor me, all right?
Ricky: I will do that for you when you pickyour nose more in church, all right? [mimespicking his nose] Get your hand right up inside yourskull. Get both hands up there so yougot–
Phil: Why don’t you do me a favor? Do me afavor.
Ricky: –two elbows comin’ out of your noselike this and go, “What is that? What is that?” “It’selbows!”
Phil: Hey, hey, hey!
Phil: Get more dirt under your nails,all right?
Phil: More filth. Infect the whole borough ofBrooklyn, all right?
Ricky: That’s very good.
Phil: Do me a favor.
Ricky: I will do that. Why don’t you killmore plants in the neighborhood with thetoe-jam in your feet, all right? [mimes plants keelingover] Like, plants goin’ “Whoa,” like that! “Whoa,”like that!
Phil: [raises both hands] Truce! Truce! Truce!Truce! Truce!
Ricky: Okay. [points to newspaper] “BestActress”?
Phil: Sally Field.
Phil: ‘Cause she was so good in “The Singin’Nun.”
Ricky: You are amazingly dumb. I tell you thatright now. It’s a good thing that you’re not in theAcademy ’cause the votes’d get like really, reallyscrewed up. You’d, like, vote for Flipper or somethinglike that. I’ll tell you that right now. [Ricky andPhil pop the tops on their beer cans] You know, Phil?I got me a idea. [laughs] We do this. We take a bus toLos Angeles, right?
Ricky: We get out to there before the AcademyAwards. Take a day to get over the bus lag.
Ricky: But then, we go to the Academy Awardsthemselves, right? We sneak in there and we find thetwo guys who guard the ballots. They’re, uh–
Phil: Price and Porterhouse!
Ricky: Right! We go up to these guys, right?Oh, this is so good. And we give ’em a conk on thehead, right?
Ricky: We knock ’em out cold. Take off theirshirts. Give ’em a pink belly!
Ricky: [laughs] And then we take ourwinners and we exchange ’em for theirwinners.
Phil: Place ’em! So then when Gregory Peck –the guy from “Moby Dick,” right?
Phil: He comes out. He says, like, “The bestpicture o’ the year is–” and he opens theenvelope–
Phil: –please — “Avenging Angel”!
Ricky: Right! [laughs] It would beunbelievable!
Phil: That would be great! That’s a deal,right?
Ricky: It’s a deal! [they shake handsenthusiastically] Okay! All right!
Ricky & Phil: [happily grabbing two dispensers,they press them together] Pez people! Mmmmm. Oooooh.[they each dispense Pez candy into their mouths, thenreturn to the game]
Ricky: All right, whose turn is thisnow?
Phil: Whose turn is it? It’s your turn. My–?No. I don’t know whose turn it is.
Ricky: How could you not know whose turn it is?Would you have a less of an IQ, is thatpossible?
Phil: Yeah, when your head gets smaller. Couldit get, like, a golf ball? That would be good.
Ricky: My head gets smaller?
Phil: Then I could crush it. Yeah,sure.
Ricky: Yeah, great. Could you have moregrease stains on your elbows?
Phil: I might be able to but–[Applause drowns out the rest. Dissolve to a widerview of the set and the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]