Fernando at Night of 100 Stars


Fernando at Night of 100 Stars

Fernando…..Billy Crystal
…..Teri Garr
…..Susan Lucci
…..Morgan Fairchild
Robert Latta…..Rich Hall
…..Lynn Swann

[ open on Fernando standing outside of Radio City Music Hall ]

Fernando: Saludos, my darlings. I am Fernando, standing outside historic Radio City Music Hall, where tommorow the Night of 100 Stars is going to take place. It is totally sold out, it is so exciting, I am crazy going nuts. I am standing here in a gray cashmere coat and a towel that Red Buttons gave to me. And we are going to go inside and meet some of the 100 stars. So, let’s go in, because I am freezing my castanets off, I’ll tell you that right now!

[ dissolve to Fernando inside, talking with Teri Garr ]

Fernando: If I said to you, my friends, “Mr. Mom”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, “Tootsie”, Academy Award nomination, you would probably think to yourself: Teri Garr. And that’s what I’m thinking, because she’s really here. And I’m telling you, you look mahvelous, darling, you really do. Tell me, what do you think about this whole night of 100 stars? I’m going nuts here!

Teri Garr: Me, too. I’m just so nervous, I’m nervous as a cat.

Fernando: You are nervous. But you such a big star, darling. First of all, what is all these hairs on your sweater? Was Lorne Green rolling around on your body for a little while?

Teri Garr: It’s from a coat I bought, on sale.

Fernando: That is why, you know that, I’ll tell you that right now.

[ dissolve ]

Fernando: Teri, let me ask you this: you know, how do you prepare for a role? When you played Tootsie, and you have to get dressed up as a man to go out and get a job.. that must be very difficult to lace up and tighten things down to do that.

Teri Garr: You know, Fernando, I didn’t do that, I didn’t dress up as a man. Dustin dressed up as a woman in that movie. Did you see that movie, “Tootsie”?

Fernando: Sure.

Teri Garr: It was about role reversal. He dressed up as a woman. I didn’t dress up as a man.

Fernando: [ silent ] Jack Warner once said to, I think it was Tyrone Power, “Stop doing that.”

[ dissolve ]

Fernando: Who does not, to you, look that good? Let’s just dish for a while. Who do you think don’t look so hot?

Teri Garr: No, I can’t say!

Fernando: Yes, you can. In what direction?

Teri Garr: No, I really can’t! [ laughs ]

Fernando: Will you tell me later? And then I’ll tell them!

[ flip over to Fernando talking with Susan Lucci ]

Fernando: You look mahvelous, darling. You know, if I said to you the name Erica Kane, would you not crazy go nuts, do a somersault and have a frozen yogurt that you could not have because it’s so cold and you get a headache right here? Susan Lucci, you are a fantastic talent, and, of course, the show, which some of you sit there in your lawn chairs in your living room, because they cannot get away, is, of course, “All My Days of My Life”.

[ dissolve ]

Fernando: Would you say that some of the guys say, “Ooh, I’m going to little tongue into your mouth.” Do you dever get a guy who’s just a little too fresh with you on the set?

Susan Lucci: Many times. It is a terrible problem, but I carry Vasatrasin with me at all times. I put it right on, I’m fine.

Fernando: What is that?

Susan Lucci: Vasatrasin? You must have Vasatrasin!

Fernando: I’m from Spain, we only have wild dogs. I don’t know what that means!

Susan Lucci: It’s an antibiotic. You just put it right on your mouth, and you’re suddenly germ-free.

Fernando: Is that true?

Susan Lucci: Yeah!

Fernando: Could I borrow some of that, because I’m going on the road right after –

Susan Lucci: [ laughs ] You’ll need it!

Fernando: I’m telling you that, right now. There’s so much of that jerpes going around, you have to be careful!

[ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Fairchild ]

Fernando: Deep down inside, when I look at you, you look mahvelous.

Morgan Fairchild: Thank you.

Fernando: Have you heard from.. [ wanderer Robert Latta wanders into the scene ] Hello. Can you take my picture? [ Robert snaps a picture ] Thank you, darling. Who are you?

Robert Latta: Robert Latta.

Fernando: Robert Latta? Are you one of the 100 stars?

Robert Latta: No, I just wandered in.

[ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Lynn Swann ]

Fernando: You played in, uh, how many of the games that they call the, uh.. the Super Bowl?

Lynn Swann: The Super Bowl. I played in, uh.. four of them.

Fernando: Four Super Bowls. Is that a world record?

Lynn Swann: No, no, it’s not a world record. But it’s close, it’s close.

Fernando: Uh-huh. What is the craziest thing that peopel have said? You know, because I have been a fan of yours for so long, you know, and we’ve seen most of the movies that you have been in. Tell me this: is Terry Bradshaw as dumb as people say?

Lynn Swann: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know!

Fernando: And I don’t mean this is a stoop to get him to say something about Terry! I was shocked when I –

Lynn Swann: Somebody said he couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the C and the T. Of course, that guy’s not playing football any more!

Fernando: That’s true! The C and..? [ confused ] Anyway, darling..

[ dissolve to Fernando standing alone in the hall ]

Fernando: My friends, this is Fernando saying I’ve had a fantastic at the Night of 100 Stars. If you listen closely.. [ listens ] You hear that? Isaac Stern and Itzhak Perlman are jamming! Fantastic. When these two guys get tohether, all hell breaks loose. And I have met and spoke to some of the stars here, they are marvelous stars. I am so disappointed Hal Linden said no, but what are you going to do? And, uh.. [ looks over and spots Ann-Margaret sitting alone ] Oh, this.. Hello. Ann-Margaret?

Ann-Margaret: Yes.

Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando. Could we talk just for a second?

Ann-Margaret: Yes.

Fernando: This is, to me, the greatest of all the stars. This is an amazing thing to me. It’s so nice of you to drop by, Ann. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! This is like my heart went to Miami to visit my mother!

[ dissolve ]

Fernando: Let me ask you this: your best work? “Viva Las Vegas”. Yes or no? What do you think?

Ann-Margaret: Uh.. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think the hardest thing I ever did – the roughest – was “Streetcar”.

Fernando: “Streetcar Named Desire”. You worked with a Mr. Treat Williams.

Ann-Margaret: Yes. As a matter of fact, he’s over here. [ points off screen ]

Fernando: Who is over here. [ waves ] Hello, Treat. [ not acknowledged ] No.

[ dissolve to Ann-Margaret kissing Fernando on the cheek ]

Fernando V/O: Well, we chatted, and Ann and I both realzied that it was I who indeed looked mahvelous. And she laid one on me, right there.

[ dissolve to Fernando in Studio 8H ]

Fernando: And I tell you, my friends, thank God I had my Vasatrasin, I’ll tell you that right now! But, Ann, you’re a mahvelous star. And after seeing all these great stars, including Charles Bronson himself, my friends, who, when I approached him, as I came up to him, he said, “Die, before I kill you!” He’s some joking guy, I’ll tell you that right now, my friends! But after seeing these mahbelous stars, I know once and for all, my friends, that is much better to look good than to feel good. You know who you are!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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