Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad
Jackie Rogers, Jr……Martin Short
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Billy Crystal
Rajeev Vindaloo…..Christopher Guest
Captain Kangaroo…..Jim Belushi
Announcer: Yesterday, our champion Rajeev Vindaloo, a private investigator from Kanoga Park, California won over $10,000 in cash and prizes. His challenger is Mindy Williamson, a schoolteacher from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and they’ll be battling it out today on America’s favorite game show –
Audience: Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad!!
Announcer: And here’s the man of the half-hour – Jackie Rogers Jr.![ Jackie enters singing and dancing ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Who wants a winner, give ’em half a chance
Saints and sinners, the love to fill their pants
with loot from Uncle Sammy’s treasure chest
if you work hard
on Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaddd!”
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: You’re so sweet! In the words of the immortal Sally Field, “You like me!! You like me!!” [ laughs ] And, now, to introduce the celebrity guests, here’s my live-in lady, or common-law wife if you will, Angelique!
Angelique: [ enters ] Jackie, our celebrity, Mr. Entertainment himself – Sammy Davis, Jr.! [ Sammy enters ] And, Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan! [ Bob enters ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, my goodness gracious, talk about excitement! Sammy, Day 2! Any thoughts, sir?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I tell you Jacksola.. I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, the private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise or two.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!
Captain Kangaroo: Thank you, Jackie. Just let me say hello to all the boys and girls out there – hello, boys and girls! And I’m tickled pink to be helping Mindy here. And a special thanks to you, Jackie, for paying me in cash. You are paying me in cash, right? No checks. That was the deal!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes, yes.. of course I am, my Captain! [ twirls fingers around his head ] And, Mindy, I heard backstage that you were a little bit shaky, a little bit nervous. Are you feeling better, my lady?
Mindy: Yes! Well.. no.. I guess you would say I’m satil nervous.. I guess.. I thought I wasn’t for a moment, but I was wrong..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Because, if you run into any trouble, Mindy, you can always contact your old friend Mork from Ork! [ snickers ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ laughing ] You’re nuts!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: I completely made that up, that was an improvisation!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I know it, you lab rat, let’s do this!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: So, you be good! Now, you all know the rules. They’re very much like “Pyramid”, but different. Now, Captain, would you like to give, or would you like to receive?
Captain Kangaroo: Um.. alright, I’ll give.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Great! Now.. the category is “Things You Find in a Circus”. “Things You Find in a Circus”. Captain, get ready, and go.
Captain Kangaroo: Okay.. okay.. this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.
Mindy: A clown![ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.
Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..
Mindy: I don’t know..!
Captain Kangaroo: Next one![ RINGMASTER ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..
Mindy: A clown!
Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!
Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!
Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!![ LION ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!![ buzzer sounds ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Bobby, now that is a disqualification..
Captain Kangaroo: NEXT!! NEXT!! NEXT!!![ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, round over.
Captain Kangaroo: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, I’m very, very sorry, but you did well.
Captain Kangaroo: Oh, this is just GREAT!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes. Rajeev, Sammy, would you like to give, or would you like to receive, which one?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ pause ] I’ll give, Jackie.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, very good. The category is.. “Horn of Plenty”. Sammy, describe these foods, if you will, sir.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ouch![ POPCORN ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a thing at the movies, it comes in kernals, you eat them up in oil.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Popcorn.[ PICKLE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a little hot, spicy number.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Rita Morena.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It comes from a cucumber, they let it sit in a barrel with its brothers so it becomes something else.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A caterpillar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.[ ANGELFOOD CAKE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is an apres dinner kind of thing, dessert, three layers, icing on top.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Japuti.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. Say you’re in heaven, you’re flying around, you got a little halo, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dead.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you did a lot of good stuff, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Blessed.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you got the wings, the halo, you’re going from cloud to cloud..
Rajeev Vindaloo: I don’t know, what is it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next.[ CHOCOLATE BABIES ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Uh.. this is, uh..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Chocolate Babies?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right.[ ASPARAGUS ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a long shaft kind of thing with a tip on the end..
Rajeev Vindaloo: [ winks ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next![ BAGEL ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ah, this is one of my people’s favorite kind of things, it’s a round thing..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dress shields.
No, babe.. no, babe.. it’s something I have with cream cheese, lox and onion, and I prefer a slice of tomahto.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Oh, yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’ll put it to you this way, listen to me now. You’re in a boat, you’re sailing, not in the pcean but smaller than an ocean..
Rajeev Vindaloo: A lake.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, no.. not inland.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A sandbar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: It’s a little inlet type of thing.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A bay.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right! Bay…
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: There’s a few birds, you see them, they’re called sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right, right, they’re birds, but they’re called.. Sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Sea Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right. You see them walking on the beach, they ared..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Whitie Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: They are white, man, they’re called sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.[ FILET MIGNON ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a nice hunk of meat, babe. It ain’t a delmonaco, it ain’t a shell, it’s..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Egg McMuffin.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No. It comes with a piece of bacon strapped to the top..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Beef tuna.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s the ultimate piece of meat.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Mel Gibson.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It’s the one that sits alone on the plate, you say, “How the heck does this cost that much?”
Rajeev Vindaloo: Filet Mignon.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right![ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, Mindy, Captain, so sorry, but we do have the home version of the game for both of you.
Captain Kangaroo: Great, like that’s going to pay for my mortgage!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright! Rajeev, Sammy, let’s spin for the wad! [ they dance over to the wheel ] Oh, we’re here already, who’s winded! [ Angelique puts a pointy hat on Rajeev’s head and straps him to the wheel ] Alright, now, Rajeev will be spinning for anywhere from $100 to $100,000! How exciting! Just the thought of it must be giving Rajeev a chubby! Let’s ask him. Rajeev, are you excited, sir?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes, I am..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Sammy, any predictions, my friend?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Predictions? Yeah. I predict Lena is gonna win a Lifetime Grammy, I mean it’s long overdue, you know? But that’s a whole other trip, you know? But, hey, I’ve got sphilkas – let’s spin and do!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, Sammy, you do the honors.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Oh, thank you, my man![ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. When Rajeev stops, he’s pointing to “SPIN AGAIN” ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh! Spin Again!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Spin Again?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: No! Isn’t that always the way! Oh, Sam, it’s irritating, isn’t it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m crashing low.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, good Lord. Now, Sam, give it a good tug, my man!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Hey man, I weigh 122 with the rings, you know what I mean?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ laughs ] Go to it!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Alright, here we go, Raj..[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. Rajeev continues to spin as the show’s closing music rises. ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, good Lord! Well, my producers tell me we’re out of time![ Sammy and Jackie sing “Big Wheel Keep on Turning” as Rajeev continues to spin out of control to close ]