Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest
… Christopher Guest
… Jim Belushi
… Don Pardo
Paul Harvey … Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
… Calvert DeForest
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated atthe news desk.]Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:
Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder leftLouisville’s Humana Hospital today to live in a nearbyapartment. A special van transporting him stalled inthe driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder’s heart isequipped with jumper cables. … Trip continuedwithout further incident.
Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglassesand hat] And this man? [Photo of same man inseed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man inhardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man incowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are allthis man — [Photo of same man wearing no hat]– new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. … It’sbeen reported that he wears all those hats to coverthe birthmark on his head. However, SNL News haslearned that it is NOT a birthmark — it’s an aerialmap of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] … leftover from Gorbachev’s Soviet espionage days….
In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused theRingling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus ofpresenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually agoat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circusspokesperson has denied the charge, saying that theanimal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on abroomstick. …
[Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse’s mouth]Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a racehorse this morning … at an upstate track. Theveterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemakerfrom the horse’s throat says it happens quite oftenwith hungry horses and small jockeys. …Christopher Guest: And now, here with acommentary, is Saturday Night Live’s critic-at-largeJim Belushi. Jim? [applause]
Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh,I love this country – uh – it’s been good to myfamily. It’s – it’s been great to me. I – You know, Idon’t like to say anything really bad about it but–But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T.Y’know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephonesystem in the universe. But not any more. Not since -not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Haveyou tried callin’ Information lately? [picks up aphone] I mean, y’know, they give you the number. Theysay the number is [imitates computer voice]”Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE.” … And I say”THANK YOU” TO A RECORDING! … [pulls air horn fromunder desk, points it toward the phone and blasts thehorn noisily] … You know, I wanna talk to a humanbeing!
And call waiting! I HATE – I hate call waiting.Y’know, I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’mtalkin’ to somebody and hear this annoying littleclick. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, “Holdon for a second,” right? And I know – hey, Iknow what’s gonna happen. The other call’sgonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! … I mean,you know, how can I possibly have anything reallygreat to say?! They come back on the line and say,[imitates wimpy phone friend] “You know, uh, can Icall you right back?” … And I say– [pulls out airhorn again and blasts the phone] … YOU’RE NEVERGONNA CALL ME BACK! …
And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTERCAMP to EVEN READ! … And they’re charging you forthings that they aren’t supposed– that are supposedto be free. Y’know, I’m – I’m tryin’ to get myemotional life together and, since the break-up,they’ve been chipping away at it. Y’know what Imean? It used to be when you smashed a phone againstthe wall or threw it out the window, the phone companywould give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours.No, now they call up– You call ’em up and they tellya, “Go to the phone store.” A phonestore! [imitates man talking to woman] “Okay,honey, I’m gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart ofmilk, and a PHONE!” …
[holds up a check] And what about this?! What isthis?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send mea check for twenty-five cents! … What am I supposedto do with this?! Take off o’ work, go to the bank …wait in line for a half hour … Get to the teller,she says, “How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? Allin NICKELS? … Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-fivepennies?!” [blasts the check with the air horn] …DON’T BE A WISE-ASS! … [imitates mincing operator] “Thank you for callingAT&T.” [drops the check with disgust, it slides offthe desk, cheers and applause] Back to you,Chris.Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honkshis horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes alittle] Ooh.
A new religious item came out this week. [holds up analbum full of cassette tapes] “Francis the TalkingBible.” … The complete Old and New Testamentsrecorded by Francis. … We can’t play it but it wouldsound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950sanimal star Francis the Talking Mule] “In thebeginning, God create–” … Something like that.Anyway, I – I recommend this. [closes and puts albumaway]
Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa’s “We Are theWorld” record was broadcast simultaneously onthousands of radio stations including the nationwideMuzak system — the second time in its history thatMuzak has broadcast a human voice. … The first time,of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the themefrom “Jeopardy” … with a chorus of game show losers…. Don, can you give us a little bit of that?
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic]Sorry, Chris. I’ve forgotten it.
Christopher Guest: ‘S’too bad.
Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcerfrenzy] But I can give you a matched set ofSamsonite luggage! … An Amana homefreezer! A round-trip–!
Christopher Guest: [interrupts] It’s okay!Thank you. Thank you, Don! Thank you. …
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow again] Not at all,Chris.
Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with aneditorial, here is guest commentator, PaulHarvey.
[Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderlylegendary radio personality who breaks up hissentences into weirdly multi-rhythmicphrases.]Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I’m PaulHarvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] … Youknow, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radiobroadcast, Chris – to join with billions across theplanet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] …”We Are – the World” – it’s true! [rapidly] Sales ofthe record have been phenomenally successful, themoney will go to starving nations. But there’s a lotof bureaucracy involved – money has to become records,records has to become money again, money has to beused to distribute grain. It’s a complicated process.Wouldn’t it be a lot simpler if they could just –eat – the records? … Why not record the songright onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up aflat round piece of pita bread with a hole in thecenter] … Staple of millions throughout the world.[holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how’bout this individual “We Are the World” pizza? …You know, the wife and I cook these up right in thestudio. I think you’re gonna be amazed at therecording values, Chris. They’re just absolutelyphenomenal. Give a listen – to this. [plays pizza onportable record player, horribly scratchy version of”We Are the World” song is heard]
Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Soundsgreat. That’s enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reachesover and takes the needle off the record, abruptlyending the song] That’s enough of that.
Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Holdit, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield partthere! Hold it. …
Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the recordplayer] No, that’s – that’s fine. Okay? That’s just -that’s enough. Why don’t you just say good night, allright? …
Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there’s also thiszesty tortilla version– [holds up a tortilla with ahole in it] …
Christopher Guest: Just say good night – justsay good night, okay?
Paul Harvey: I’m Paul Harvey – gooodday! [applause]
Christopher Guest: In our last edition, wereported that music superstar Billy Joel had marriedDavid Brinkley. … Well, that’s a simple mistake tomake. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings… who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David….
Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extendour Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter,to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to ourSnake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day….
Christopher Guest: Here’s our residententertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. BuddyYoung, Jr. [Buddy’s cheesy nightclub theme plays,cheers and applause which Buddy encourages – he is acigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in anugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulkysilver hand microphone]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movietheaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It’s not like theold days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They gotall these theaters in one, now — they got a duplex, atriplex, a multiplex! And they’re filthy, am I right?!I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rimshot] Get out of here! …
I tell ya, it’s nuts. And the food! Ah, the food inthese theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o’popcorn and a Coke — thirty-five cents. Now, thepopcorn comes in a hatbox! … And the sodacomes in ONE size — it’s called TUB O’ COKE!… I tell ya, it’s too nuts, folks, it’s too wild outthere. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he’s apunker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in yourpopcorn! [rim shot] …
It’s too wild, I’ll tell ya. And these music videosare nuts, too, I’ll tell ya that right now. That seguecost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they’re nuts! When Iwas a kid, a song was a song and that was it — am Iright, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell’shappening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie.They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin’ aballad — somebody else is putting a midget in ablender! … [glares at the crowd] What is this –the Hinckley jury? … Five, six, seven, I tell ya,it’s nuts! … It’s wild. You can rent movies anyplacenow on cassettes, they got ’em everyplace, they got’em everywhere, I tell ya, it’s crazy. Supermarkets,dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist– she says to me, “Honey, I got cystitis andAmadeus!” … I said, “Is it serious?” Shesays, “Parts of it, but the music isbeautiful!” [rim shot] … I tell ya that now,it’s just — [scattered applause] — crawlin’ up myback!
[rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tellya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [toCraig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the frontrow] How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Could ya stand upjust for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects atattoo on Craig’s arm] Hey, what is this? Look atthis. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios orsomething? … This guy’s a biker, he’s gonna stomp myhead to get my face started. I tell ya, it’s the –[Craig playfully reaches for Buddy’s face] Hey. Don’tget cute, all right? … What is this — the SantanaLook-alike Club meeting? … What’s your name,babe?Craig: Craig.
Buddy Young, Jr.: That’s right. Where yafrom?
Craig: Uniondale.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where’sthat?
Craig: It’s on Long Island.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! …[Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim]Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin’ up?[a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugsrises] You okay?
Man: Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure?
Man: Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: It’ll kick in any minute.It’s called– … [scattered applause] No, I kid. Ikid this man. Manson’s stuntman … we have here,sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where youfrom?
Man: [quietly] New Rochelle.
Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speakup. It’s called “English,” okay? … Nah, it’s apleasure to have you here, no kiddin’. [shakes theman’s hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on toanother victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know thisguy. How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen!Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. … [slaps theboy’s cheeks playfully] Get out o’ here, you’re a wiseguy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the nextseat] Would you mind standin’ up, please, just for asecond? Tell everybody–
[Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly,bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, betterknown as Larry “Bud” Melman, a popular regular onNBC’s “Late Night with David Letterman” — someoneyells, “Larry ‘Bud’!”]Buddy Young, Jr.: What’s your name, babe? Anddon’t tell me “Perry White” ’cause I’ll, uh, leave alog here. What’s your name?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I’msaying to you? … Calvert, people know you, they seemto know you. What’s your real–? People know yourdifferent name?
Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry “Bud” Melman.[more cheers and applause]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do,Larry?
Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] …Work on the David Letterman–
Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya,please, Larry? … [Buddy has his arm around DeForestwho is inching away from him] What are you pullingaway from me–? I’m clean. I took a shower. … Youknow what I’m saying? Oh, it’s wild. That herpes,it’ll get you nuts, I’ll tell ya that. [DeForestcracks up at this] … You’re a good sport, babe. Youready the play the game?
Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open toanything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is nogame to play] …
Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, weended up here. Let me ask you this.
Calvert DeForest: What?
Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin’? What,are you workin’ or what?
Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it?What, you’re up late, huh?
Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! … For achange.
Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love -this – man. You still seeing Vicki Carr?
Calvert DeForest: Yes. …
Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that’s good. Good luck toboth of you.
Calvert DeForest: Thank you.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I’m sayin’?You’re a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause]This is a great man! Larry “Bud”! [returns to the deskand sits] No, but we need– And he proves the pointthat what we need is love today. [to the crowd in thebalcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheersand applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you,Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike]
Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That’sall the news. Thank you very much.
[More cheers and applause. Buddy’s theme plays. Buddyand Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at thecrowd. Fade.]Submitted Anonymously
