Steven Wright Stand-Up
… Christopher Reeve
… Steven Wright
Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!
[Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]
Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….
I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….
I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …
I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….
I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….
I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …
Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …
I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …
It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …
There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…
I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …
When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …
I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …
[Applause]
Thank you.
Submitted Anonymously
