Steven Wright Stand-Up

Steven Wright Stand-Up

… Christopher Reeve
… Steven Wright


Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!

[Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]

Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….

I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….

I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …

I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….

I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….

I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …

Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …

I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …

It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …

There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…

I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …

When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …

I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …

[Applause]

Thank you.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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