Victor LaSalle…..Jon Lovitz
Waiter…..Damon Wayans
Actress…..Nora Dunn
Newspaper Editor…..Randy Quaid

[ opens on Victor LaSalle typing at his desk ]

Announcer: Greg Sharnell is Victor LaSalle, movie critic for the nation’s most influential newspaper.

[ shows building, newspaper is titled THE DAILY TRUMPETER ] [ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ] [ opens on high-class buffet in fancy restaurant ]

Announcer: In a world where no one pays for his own dinner, Victor LaSalle stands alone.

Waiter: Champagne, caviar, Mr. LaSalle?

Victor LaSalle: No. I cannot in good conscience accept food and beverage from a motion picture studio.

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ]

Announcer: The passion. The pathos. The honesty. The despair.

[ Victor Lasalle is seen dining at a restaurant, someone reads newspaper with headline “Actress bites big one” by Victor LaSalle. Actress criticised in the article looks angrily at Victor, walks over to his table, and throws wine at his face. ]

Never before have the torments of movie critics been so vividly portrayed.

[ Victor is talking with another critic in a bar ]

Other critic: Most of us critics go into it for their own reasons. We so desperately want to be a part of show buisness, and yet we have no talent. So out of sheer envy we criticise the honest work of real artists, while secretly wishing all the time we were writing the scripts, or directing, or acting.

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen]

Announcer: Ripping the lid off the corruption, the hypocrisy of the movie industry.

[ newspaper editor storms angrily into Victor LaSalle’s office ]

Newspaper Editor: Are you insane? You can’t pan a movie that was financed by the corporation that runs this newspaper!

[ newspaper article is held up, with headline “Megacorp Movie Bites Big One” by Victor LaSalle, the person reading the article turns out to be the head of Megacorp ]

Megacorp Head: [ into his cell phone ] Unplug that S. O. B.’s word processor!

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ] [ protesters march around the Daily Trumpeter building, holding signs that say “TRUMPETER UNFAIR TO MOVIEGOERS”, “BRING BACK LaSALLE”, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT MOVIE TO SEE” ]

Protesters: Bring back LaSalle! Bring back LaSalle! Bring back LaSalle! [ repeatedly ]

Announcer: An extraordinary picture about an extraordinary man. The critics are raving:
[ reviews show up on screen, announcer reads reviews ]

“I loved this…film.”-JUDITH CRIST

“I laughed, I cried.”-JOHN SIMON

“I stuffed my face.”-ROGER EBERT

[ credits show up on screen ]

Rated PG-13. Children and stupid people should be accompanied by anintelligent adult.

[ fade out ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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