Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 1
Drug Testing
…..Brandon Tartikoff
…..Anthony Michael Hall
Brandon Tartikoff: Hello, I’m Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC Entertainment.
(applause)
In a few moments, the second decade of Saturday Night Live will begin, and all of us at NBC are excited that Lorne Michaels, the show’s creator and original producer, is back at the helm. As you may be aware, Saturday Night Live has had, in the past, some problems with … well, there’s no other way to put it … drugs.
(One audience member cheers)
You know, smoke, weed, toot … snow … glue. I could go on and on. We at NBC tried many methods of dealing with drug use on the show, after my own idea, the Honor System, failed so badly. Well, to assure you, the viewer, that this will be a clean show, I am announcing tonight a new network policy of random urinalysis testing for all cast and crew of the new Saturday Night Live. So as not to stigmatize the performers on this show, NBC will imply this procedure on all of our programs. From the actors on Miami Vice — except those who play the criminals — to Punky Brewster, to Meet the Press.
(displays a tray with urine samples in NBC logo plastic cups)
Now as you can see, eight of the new cast members have already completed testing tonight, and we are waiting only for the last member of the group, Anthony Michael Hall. As soon as he returns with his test, the show can begin. (waits around, looks at watch) … Well, a policy is a policy. Ah — there he is now.
(Anthony emerges in a bathrobe, and shakes Mr. Tartikoff’s hand as he turns in his sample.)
Anthony Michael Hall: I’m sorry this took so long.
Brandon Tartikoff: That’s all right. Congratulations, Michael. (puts the sample on a tray)
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Brandon Tartikoff: Um, Michael, if you’ll just uh, recite the network pledge, we can make this all official. (hands him a card)
Anthony Michael Hall: … Right.
(He holds up his right hand as he reads the pledge.)
“I, Michael Hall, swear to remain drug-free as long as I am associated with this network. And if I make a mistake, or freak out, it will not be because there are any chemicals in my body.”
Brandon Tartikoff: Well done, Michael.
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, thank you.
(They shake hands again.)
Brandon Tartikoff: You know, even though you’re just 17 years old, I understand that you’ve been doing this kind of thing for quite awhile.
Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, well, I’ve been giving specimens since um, since I first got chicken pox.
Brandon Tartikoff: Right. Well, uh, you may start the show.
Anthony Michael Hall: Thank you, Mr. Tartikoff. (the camera goes in on him as he says, with defiance) “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: The G Man
