Melinda Zoomont…..Madonna
Director…..Randy Quaid
Clint Weston…..Terry Sweeney
Make-Up Girl….Joan Cusack
Censor…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “In the early 1950’s, a dark shadow descended upon Hollywood. Caught up in the mass-hysteria of the McCarthy era, the entertainment industry turned against its own, blacklisting innocent artists and craftsmen. Banned from their chosen occupations, these blacklisted individuals fell victim to heresay, its ugly accomplice innuendo, and their unattractive sidekick, guilt by association. And now in 1985, Hollywood again is gripped by paranoia, this time provoked by the tragic AIDS outbreak. Actressed refused to do scenes with unknown actors. Gay actors are forced back into the closet, leading double lives, wearing wedding bands, riding motorcyles – living in fear that they will fall victim to: Pinklisting.”

[ dissolve to movie set, as actress Melinda Zoomont storms in ]

Melinda Zoomont: Art, are these the pages? Because if they are, it’s all wrong. I thought the love scene with the new character was out?

Director: Sweetheart, we decided that we had to establish your relationship with Lionel, because four or five scripts down the line, you’re gonna have his baby and he kidnaps you.

Melinda Zoomont: But I told you, I don’t do love scenes with actors I don’t know!

Director: Take five, everybody!

[ groans ]

Melinda Zoomont: I hate that this is happening to me, because it places me in the role of the bitch. And I hate that, because I’m not a bitch.

Director: Melinda, Melinda.. no one thinks you’re a bitch. Youre a professional. We all are. We’ve got a job to do. Now, you may not know Clint Weston, but I do. And I can tell you that there’s not another more masculine, more heterosexual actor on 24-hour call in this town!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. maybe I’ll do the scene – but not until I meet the man face-to-face.

[ sound of motorcycle can be heard ]

Director: That sounds like Clint’s Harley.

Clint Weston: Damn those helmet laws – who needs ’em, huh?

[ everyone is happy to see Clint as he enters the set ]

Director: Hey, Clint! [ they shake hands ]

Clint Weston: How about the gazombas on that make-up girl, huh? Boy.. I know the old wife wouldn’t be pleased with that comment, but hey – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu, right guys? [ notices Melinda ] Oh.. uh.. excuse me. Just a little guy talk there!

Director: Clint, this is Melinda Zoomont, your leading lady.

Melinda Zoomont: How do you do?

Clint Weston: Oh, how do you do? You don’t have to introduce me to television’s sexiest star!

Melinda Zoomont: Well, uh.. I think we’re running a bit late. Shall we do the scene?

Director: Right you are, Melinda. We’ll knock this off as soon as you get out of make-up, Clint.

Clint Weston: Okay, right-o! [ approaches the make-up chair, sits down ] Hey, how about handing me the paper, huh? I want to check the stats on my Raiders. [ flips papers around, notices article about Liza Minelli and Judy Garland ] Oh, my God! Why doesn’t she leave the poor woman alone!

Make-Up Girl: Are you alright?

Clint Weston: Of course, I’m alright! It’s just that Raiders secondary!

Make-Up Girl: Who’s the secondary?

Clint Weston: Oh, uh.. those are the guys that, uh.. go.. uh, uh.. both ways.. [ gets up, returns to the set ]

Director: Uh.. you got your dialogue?

Clint Weston: Uh.. yeah.. yeah.

Director: Alright, come on over here, we’ll just talk you through this. Okay, now, Clint, you propose a toast to your little scheme, you share a glass of wine, you gaze into each other’s eyes, you kiss passionately.. then you take off your clothes, and you get into the hot tub. Got it? Uh.. can we hear that hot tub!

Voice: Hot tub!

Director: That’s 180° in there, so you two should be quite comfortable.

Clint Weston: Can you believe we’re getting paid to do this!

Melinda Zoomont: Another day, another $10,000.

Clint Weston: [ laughs ] Stop it! We’ve got a scene to do!

Director: Could we get a censor in here? I’ve got a question about this kiss here?

Censor: [ enters set ] Yeah, what can I do for you?

Director: Oh, Ted, hey how you doing? Uh, listen, Ted, how passionately can we make this kiss? Uh.. we got sweeps coming up, I need a little help here.

Censor: I tell you, there hasn’t been much kissing lately, so.. just about anything is okay with us. Now, as long as we don’t see any tongue, a little bulge in the cheek.. [ demonstrates ] ..or this, that’s alright. But we can’t see any of this..

Director: Okay. Thanks, Ted, I owe you one, buddy! Okay, let’s rehearse this – Clint, Melinda, from the top! Alright, roll it.

Voice: Speed.

Voice: Sound.

Director: Action!

Melinda Zoomont: My husband has the same routine every day. If you follow my instructions, it should be child’s play.

Clint Weston: Angel, I want you to know – I’m not just doing this for the money..

[ a light falls from the set, crashing into the hot tub, freaking Clint out ]

Melinda Zoomont: Wait a minute! You’re gay!

Clint Weston: Yes, I’m gay! And now you all know. Art, you can fire me if you like, but I can’t go on living a lie.

Director: Clint, I admire your guts. And I think you should know that.. I’m gay, too.

[ so is everyone else ]

Clint Weston: [ to Melinda ] Living out this little charade, you know, was not our choice. It was a matter of survival! But I suppose you wouldn’t know anything about that!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. actually.. I do have a confession to make. And I do understand you. [ pause ] I’m an intravenous drug user.

[ everyone groans ]

Director: Well.. shall we do the scene, then?

Melinda Zoomont: [ considering ] Alright.

Clint Weston: Wait a minute! No way am I gonna kiss an intravenous drug user! Get my agent!

Director: Take five, everybody! Clint!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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