SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 11/16/85: Those Unlucky Andersons


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Those Unlucky Andersons

Mr. Anderson…..Chevy Chase
Mrs. Anderson…..Nora Dunn
Timmy…..Anthony Michael Hall
Tracy…..Joan Cusack
City Official…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now for an evening with “Those Unlucky Andersons”.

Mr. Anderson: [ reading paper ] Well, I guess we’d better cancel our barbecue, honey.

Mrs. Anderson: Not more bad weather?

Mr. Anderson: I’m afraid so, listen to this: 78° and sunny, except for the area around 516 Woodlawn Avenue.. which will continue to experience heavy rain and occasional sleet.

Mrs. Anderson: What a shame..

Mr. Anderson: Yeah.

Mrs. Anderson: Why is it always our house?

Mr. Anderson: It sure seems that way, doesn’t it?

Timmy: [ enters living room ] Hey, Mom, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Hey, Timmy! Oh, hey, what do you have there, Tim – one of those toy arrows through the arm?

Timmy: You know, Dad, I wish it were?

Mr. Anderson: Ooh.. oh boy, that’s too bad. It must hurt a bit.

Timmy: Yeah, it does.

Mr. Anderson: You’d better run that under some cold tap water, and put some butter on it.

Timmy: Butter?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah, it’ll make it better. Try it.

Timmy: Mom, how you doing? [ exits to kitchen ]

Mr. Anderson: Boy, I’ll bet that smarts. [ opens paper again ] Oh! Oh! Honey! It looks like we won the lottery again! [ laughs ] Over $8 million this time! The cat didn’t eat the ticket, did he?

Mrs. Anderson: Oh.. yes, I’m afraid so, dear. I guess it’s just the numbers he likes, I don’t know.

Mr. Anderson: Darn that cat! Timmy, where is Buster!

Mrs. Anderson: You know, it’s such a shame he doesn’t eat the losing ones.

Timmy: [ re-enters living room carrying frozen cat ] Here he is, Dad. you know, Buster’s kind of dumb, I think, Dad. He got into the freezer again.

Mr. Anderson: [ holds the frozen cat ] Uh.. I’ll never get the tickets out of him this way. Alright, take him back to the kitchen and warm him up.

Timmy: Alright, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Put some butter on him. Oh, uh, Tim, when you come back, I’ve got some news for you – you got a letter from the President of the United States!

Timmy: Who, Dad?

Mr. Anderson: [ chuckles ] The President!

Timmy: The President?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah.

Timmy: What’s it say, Dad?

Mr. Anderson: Well, let’s check it out.. [ stabs himself with the letter opener ]

Mrs. Anderson: Honey..

Mr. Anderson: It’s okay, it was open.. [ reads letter ] Oh, boy.. Timmy.. you’ve been drafted.

Timmy: Oh, great.

Mrs. Anderson: I thought the Army was all voluntary now?

Mr. Anderson: Well, it is. But, according to this, the Pentagon decided they need one more guy.

Mrs. Anderson: Oh.. and it had to be our Timmy.

Mr. Anderson: Darnit.

Mrs. Anderson: [ lowers head ] Oh, God!

Mr. Anderson: What’s the matter, honey, you lose a contact lens?

Mrs. Anderson: No, my whole eye!

Timmy: Oh, Mom!

Mr. Anderson: Let me help you look for that.. [ gets down on his knees to search the floor ] Ah! This must be our lucky day! Here’s that button I lost!

Mrs. Anderson: Good things come in threes.. because here’s my eye, and another button! [ back cracks as she stands ] Oh.. honey, I think I just turned my spine out again!

Mr. Anderson: Oh, no, sweetheart.. get in the kitchen, put some butter on that.

Tracy: [ enters living room ] Hi, Dad..

Mr. Anderson: Hi, Tracy, did you have a good day? Well, honey, how’d you get that burn on your hand?

Tracy: On the bus. A Buddhist mon sitting next to me was upset about politics and set me on fire.

Mr. Anderson: Some people.. Well, you’d better get in there and put some butter on it. Hey, uh.. that is a hysterical pregnancy, isn’t it?

Tracy: No, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Come on.. it doesn’t have anything to do with the supernatural, or the devil or anything..? [ she runs away crying ] Darn it all!

[ doorbell rings ]

Timmy: Dad, the door.

Mr. Anderson: I’ll get it, I’ll get it. [ opens door, smacks himself in the head ]

City Official: Mr. Anderson?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah, that’s me. How are you? This is my son, Tim, he’s going to be joining the Army against his will.

Timmy: Dad..

City Official: Mr. Anderson, the local historical society has been going through the old town records.

Mr. Anderson: Oh?

City Official: Yes. And they turned up some 17th Century legal papers.

Mr. Anderson: Sounds very interesting.

City Official: Yes. And, according to an old law they found, you’re under arrest.

Mrs. Anderson: [ re-enters living room wearing an eyepatch ] Honey?

Mr. Anderson: Uh, honey, don’t set a place for me, I’m gonna be in prison for a while.

Mrs. Anderson: Oh, what a shame. Well, honey, before you go, do you remember what we usually do when the cat’s on fire?

Mr. Anderson: Uh, yeah.. we run him under some cold tap water, and put some butter on him.

Announcer: You’ve been watching an evening with “Those Unlucky Andersons”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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